Help! Toddler really unsettled

[marchair]

My son who is now 19mo started nursery back in august. It has been awful for us since that time and I need some advice.

He goes to nursery three days a week mon-wed and is dropped off around 9am and picked up at 4pm. Drop off is usually awful as he has a full on meltdown and cries as soon as he is in the room. (And I cry too as it's so upsetting to see him upset!) They tell me he is happy during the day though. On pick up he also cries a bit when he sees me, but then seems generally ok. However, he refuses to put his coat or shoes on when we leave or go in his buggy so he just clings to me and I have to carry him home (luckily we live around the corner). Then as soon as we are home he will not rest until I breastfeed him - which I often spend 30 mins or more having to do. Sometimes I'll manage to get him to have another nap.

But even if he naps it's just a struggle doing dinner time and bath time, he clings to me constantly, wants constant comfort and breastfeeding, has meltdowns and is just simply bad tempered. I cannot even prepare the food without him wanting to be carried or following me around crying, and in desperation I have to put him in front of a screen so I can go to the toilet/ prepare food. This provides temporary distraction before he wants me again.

I am not sure what to do. I understand he is probably going through separation anxiety and needs lots of comfort, but it just seems to not have gotten any better since August. Also in the night he is a terrible sleeper and wakes up wanting breast milk. Last night I counted it was 13 times!

Do you think he just needs more time to adjust? Or should I take him out of nursery and try a nanny instead? The nursery seems fine and I'm happy with the carers there. I don't know if I would be just delaying the problem if I took him out. Anyone got any advice or been through something similar?!

My gut feeling says give it until Christmas and see if he settles but if not maybe I'll look for a different option. I need to work so he can't stay at home full time unfortunately and we don't live near family that can help.

It does sound as though it's pretty full on. Has he ever been away from you before?

Do Nursery send you photos of him there during the day?

How's his eating and drinking at Nursery? Do they let you know?

If he's not wanting to put his shoes or coat on, for now I'd just go with it and carry him home. It's warm enough for now.

It's also perfectly natural that he wants a long feed on getting home. He wants to reconnect with you. I always found this a nice time of the day when you've been apart from them. I would just relax into that feed for now.

If he's waking a lot during the night, have you got some leave coming up? You might want to try a bit of gentle night weaning although obviously you don't have to wait until you're on leave, it just might make it a bit easier

He sounds really tired generally. Is he napping when he's there? Could you keep him awake after nursery and put him to bed a little earlier? It might help if you batch cook some easy things for tea on your days off.

Thanks

If you can afford a good nanny then go down that route. It's so much better for a small child to be looked after one on one at home than in a nursery environment. You won't just be delaying the problem because by the time he starts school he'll be much older and developmentally ready to be in that environment.

If you can't afford a good nanny then I'd look at a childminder.

If your gut says wait until Christmas then do that.

Sorry accidentally sent message too soon, thanks for your reply. They don't take photos but they do give me a report at the end of the day. He eates

Again my hand slipped and sent message too soon.. he eats well at nursery. Sleeping is difficult - sometimes he only sleeps 25 mins and sometimes he sleeps 1 hour. But it doesn't make any difference he is still grumpy regardless.

He's not been away from me before, he's always been at home with me. So yes it's a big adjustment for him.

I put him to bed at 8pm, any earlier and he would just wake up again after a short time and treat it like a nap (I've tried!).

He also is a very light sleeper- he often wakes a few times early on before he finally falls into a deep sleep.

He does sound absolutely exhausted. Have you tried No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers?

No I haven't tried, but thank you. Will have a look. To be honest even on the good nights when he only wakes once or twice it doesn't make a difference in his mood after nursery. I think he just must be incredibly over stimulated there. 🙁

If your gut feeling is that this is the wrong setting then I'd start to look at moving him.

I'd try some of the things like an earlier bedtime though. Does he sleep with you or in his own room?

Mine started Nursery 2x a week and it took her about 1 1/2 months to settle. She was 12 months old when she started Nursery. She started to love Nursery and didn't cry at drop off. Prior to starting Nursery, how many hours had he been away from you?

Prior to starting Nursery, how many hours had he been away from you?

I think she's said not at all which might be part of the problem. Not only has he got to get used to Nursery he's having to get used to being away from his DM at the same time.

Yeah that wasn't a great idea. She should've left her son with other family members for a few hours so he'd know she would return. 17 months is a very long time to never have been apart from mum. My DD was 12 months when she started Nursery and was upset at first but gradually got used to the routine. She knew I'd return because for a few months prior, I left her with my parents for a a couple of hours.

When I say he's not been away from me, I meant for full days on a regular basis. He has spent 5-6 hours with his grandparents before on many occasions, or I've left him with my husband for a full day, but not on a regular basis such as once every week. We don't have family nearby so it's been sporadic.
But you are all right, he's probably not used to being away from the home. He started nursery in august, it's been almost 10 weeks. Maybe he needs more time. I really hope he can adjust soon. Poor little thing. The sicknesses don't help either. He currently has a terrible cough which meant he didn't fall asleep properly until 4am last night. And now has been up since 7.30am.. no sign of wanting a nap yet. 🫠

Poor lad, not sleeping isn't going to help. Will he sleep in the pushchair if you or or DH take him out for a walk? Is he eating enough?

Aw poor thing. Is there a childminder nearby or you mentioned a nanny? That might suit better than a nursery where it might be the wrong environment for him. He sounds really exhausted & run down. He wants you when he comes home for his comfort & to reconnect, can you prepare food ahead perhaps & spend some time with him after nursery to settle him?

Have you tried white noise & leaving it on low in the background all night? The nights sound horrendous, you must be so tired.