4 year old's bad behaviour at school

[mumTTCno2]

Struggling so much with my 4 year old son's behaviour

He started reception in September, youngest in the year (but these behaviours have been a common occurrence all through preschool too)

Just sat here having a little cry at yet again another bad report back from the teacher

He won't sit down on the carpet to do any learning, refuses to tidy up, just general not listening at all to teachers and today he pushed a boy very hard into the pegs (it's not uncommon for him to lash out without thinking)

He is very tall for his age (113cm) and is a very rough, and hyperactive boisterous boy

He has now been put on a behaviour plan

Just seems as though all of my friends kids are doing so well, enjoying school etc but so difficult for us 😔

His behaviour is much better at home (used to be awful!) but no matter what consequences and boundaries I apply for his actions at school, he seems to forget all about it once he gets past those school gates

Any advice or words of wisdom? Finding it hard to constantly be the parent of the "naughty disruptive" type of child and worried he'll struggle to make/maintain friendships if this carries on

They are not having it easy. They are probably imploding at home or are exhausted.

How much exercise is he getting?

School is arduous and days are long.

^

This. He's four. Give him a break
I wouldn't want to sit on a carpet at four years old either

They do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon of general phonics and such.

He's actually very clever and can already do phonics and read words at home, so I suspect he is just a bit bored of the work because he can already do it (not a boast or anything!) but obviously to them it's seen as 'disruptive behaviour'.

A part of me feels like it's just too soon to be doing all this, it's not even been the first half term yet! He could easily settle but I guess the OTT is making me worry more

'Give him a break'

This is how I do feel but when I have multiple different people telling me I'm doing it wrong, I need to be stricter etc it makes me second guess myself

We walk to and from school every day which is 10 minutes each way and he always free rein to play in the garden (usually football with us) or we go to the park etc as he always seems to have so much energy to burn! We follow his lead really but he is very outdoorsey

Best advice is to work with the school I’ve started to behaviour plan ask how you can help drive that at home. Persistent and consistent.

Just suggestions, I realise you may well have tried them already:
Keep sugar to a minimum (sweets, drinks, sweet foods) to avoid spikes that seem to provoke hyperactivity in some children
Plenty of exercise so he gets physically tired (eventually)
Practise school behaviours at home to encourage him eg sitting on carpet while you do letters on a blackboard type of thing
Minimise telling off and maximise positive reinforcement for any good behaviours
Plenty of quality interaction with you and other adults in his life

I would avoid delayed consequences (like missing something tomorrow for behaviour today)

Part of this is just his age, there is so much difference between a just 4 year old and an almost 5 year old. Remind the teachers of this politely.

Best of luck and do not despair, you know he is capable of good behaviour from the way he is at home.

I think him pushing that little boy today and hurting him is what got me the most - there's one thing not wanting to sit down etc but I don't want him hurting other children and being that kind of child. This is definitely the major things that I want to work on

We follow his lead

Maybe this is not so good? Just a thought.

You're taking that out of context

We follow his lead in terms of
If he has energy to burn - we go play football, run etc
If he's tired - we relax

Ofc we don't just follow his lead in everyday life. This is specific to the question of how much exercise he gets.

Hi, I just wanted to say I could have wrote this myself, every single detail. My sons teacher today has told me she’s getting up a senco meeting and she wants our gp to refer to peads, we have managed to get an appointment for next week during half term. I honestly just want to give you a hug, one struggling mum to another. I honestly was confused reading this because I thought omg did I write this and forget? X

It’s very disappointing that the nursery never passed anything to the school and it’s not unusual.

As others have said he’s only 4 and hasn’t been in reception very long, it’s a big adjustment going from nursery to school and many children take longer to transition than others.

You’ll be nervous picking him up every day wondering what ‘report’ you’re going get as well, that must be stressful for you.

I’d suggest asking for a face to face meeting with the school to agree a way forward and look at what can put in place to support your DS. What does the behaviour plan look like that the school mentioned?

Thank you so much for all of these

Yeah I'd say everything you've said is pretty on par with what we already do! But definitely will try more and hope he just settles after a bit of time

I'd also look at it from another perspective – how can you set him up to be in as good place as possible to cope with the demands of school?

I'm thinking things like building in time for a mad 10 minutes on the trampoline in the morning (you can get little ones for indoors), and making mornings as simple as possible for him so he's not using up more of his capacity for focus and following instructions that absolutely necessary.

I'd avoid challenging activities after school and at the weekends as far as possible for now (whatever those are for him, some might find the supermarket hard work, others might hate getting changed after swimming lessons) and as much of the things that recharge and calm him as possible.

I'd also have a really good think about whether there are little things that could maybe be done at school to help him. Would something to fidget with with his hands help him with carpet time? Or a wobble cushion thing? Or having movement breaks where he can do a bunch of star jumps or something to help take the edge off his energy and maybe let out some emotional energy?

Thank you for this, sorry you're going through it too but makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone. What's the referral for it you don't mind me asking? X

You’ll be nervous picking him up every day wondering what ‘report’ you’re going get as well, that must be stressful for you.

Yeah that's exactly it 😔 and it's strange because it's not so much him I'm annoyed with, it's just the whole situation I find stressful. The teachers feel a bit judgemental.

I will be able to see the plan on Monday so will have a better idea then

Thank you so much I will definitely take these on board

I think once I have his plan on Monday it'll be easier to talk to the teachers about what to do going forward and what can help him etc

He is so much better after some fresh air so being outside definitely helps his behaviour too

@skkskkyelark's advice is good.

Read up as much as you can about ADHD and adopt the parenting methods suggested. Can't do any harm.

Good ADHD parenting, like good ADHD teaching, is good parenting/teaching. Sounds like you are very clear on boundaries and reasonable at home.

Ignore well-meaning advice from others. Just say blandly, thanks for your suggestion. Then do what you think's best.

School should be trying to meet his needs. They don't need two terms of evidence. That's a common delaying tactic.

Keep a diary of behaviour, events, triggers, meetings. Follow up all meetings with emails confirming what was agreed.

Trouble is you’re telling OP to ignore well meaning advice and then you’re giving well meaning advice how is she supposed to tell the difference?

Are you and the school pursuing an assessment for ADHD and ASD?

That was kind of what I meant. Select what works.

This is an advice forum.

OP will never meet us. She can go through the posts and select what's useful.

I don't know who's advising her in real life. I do at least have the benefit of having a child diagnosed with ADHD. I also teach a fair few DC diagnosed with it.

I found advice from family members who'd never tried parenting a child with ADHD rather unhelpful to say the least.

@LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView it's ADHD that I have my suspicions about but GP said he's too young 😕

Sadly, the GP is right. As I said earlier, it's extremely unusual to get an assessment before 6.

OK, Apologies. I just wondered if there might be a sort of mismatch between the rigours of school and a much nicer time at home. Sitting on the carpet and so on.