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Original poster

Going NC with family

7 replies

AlexisP90 · 18/10/2024 15:11

Considering cutting contact with my side of the family.
There are alcohol issues with my parents and I am sick of the abusive messages when they have had a drink.
Both are lovely until they have had a drink then just evil people.

They have met DS and never drunk around him so he already has a relationship with them. Sees them probably once every 2 months. I have a sister and brother but we don't really see each other.

The thing that puts me off is it would mean DS wouldn't be in contact with any of his grandparents. DPs are no longer around and this fills me with guilt. I wouldn't stop DS having a relationship with them when he's older (he's nearly 3) but for now I don't think I can deal with them anymore. Or want to really. I had a shit childhood growing up and have moved away and on from that.

I don't know the point of this post - I'm guessing I'm looking for anyone who has done a similar thing and to tell me it worked out all OK and their child didn't miss out on those special grandparent moments

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 18/10/2024 15:13

Would it not be easier to just not respond to them by phone?
You can meet up at cafes and soft plays and go to the zoo together instead, places they won't drink.

Original poster
AlexisP90 · 18/10/2024 15:36

That was an idea but If I'm honest I don't think I can keep forgiving the things they say when they have had a drink.
It's me who doesn't want to be around them anymore. I just don't want to do it.
Leaving DS with them is an absolute no though. I don't trust them not to have a drink.

Unless maybe we met at softplay and I went and had a coffee or something.

I don't want my son to miss out, but I cannot stand to be around them anymore.

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mindutopia · 18/10/2024 19:16

I went NC with my mum (my only biological family left) when my dc were 2 & 7. Honestly, it’s no big deal for kids. The best thing for them is to not have a childhood filled with dysfunction and chaos. At 3, your ds honestly will not remember them and will not miss out on anything. My youngest doesn’t remember my mum and never asks about her (he’s 6 now). Grandparents are a wonderful bonus if they’re fantastic. If they’re dysfunctional and abusive, they’ll only harm your ds.

It’s a tough thing to actually do (for you), but it’s truly been the best decision I could have made. My dc are safe as a result and no longer at risk of harm that my mum was putting them in. And more importantly, they have a mum who is healthy and well and fully present, not falling apart every so often because of dealing with a storm of chaos and abuse. My focus is fully on them and their wellbeing, not keeping myself from crumbling.

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Snorlaxo · 18/10/2024 19:24

My kids have never met my parents and they are now adults. I’ve told them that we don’t see them because my mum is abusive and there’s no way to have a relationship with just my dad and they happily accept that. It’s the best thing that I’ve done. They don’t know what it’s like walking on eggshells and they’ve never heard the absolute shit that comes out of her mouth. They’ve never been made to feel like an inch tall either. I can honestly say that the cycle of abuse ended with me and I successfully protected them. My kids are not interested in knowing my parents even though I told them that once they are adults they can meet them if they want.

I think that you’re deluding yourself that contact with your parents is a good idea. As ds gets older they will both start talking about longer term contact like sleepovers and holidays and you’ll find it hard to say no.

Good grandparents are fabulous for kids but bad ones can do deep damage. If you decide to stay in contact or go LC then be careful with your heart. Abuse chips away at self esteem and happiness and you deserve the best in life.

Original poster
AlexisP90 · 18/10/2024 19:26

mindutopia · 18/10/2024 19:16

I went NC with my mum (my only biological family left) when my dc were 2 & 7. Honestly, it’s no big deal for kids. The best thing for them is to not have a childhood filled with dysfunction and chaos. At 3, your ds honestly will not remember them and will not miss out on anything. My youngest doesn’t remember my mum and never asks about her (he’s 6 now). Grandparents are a wonderful bonus if they’re fantastic. If they’re dysfunctional and abusive, they’ll only harm your ds.

It’s a tough thing to actually do (for you), but it’s truly been the best decision I could have made. My dc are safe as a result and no longer at risk of harm that my mum was putting them in. And more importantly, they have a mum who is healthy and well and fully present, not falling apart every so often because of dealing with a storm of chaos and abuse. My focus is fully on them and their wellbeing, not keeping myself from crumbling.

Edited

Thank you so much for your reply. It's really helpful to hear from someone who was in a similar situation.

This was exactly what I wanted to hear and spot on to how i feel.

So glad its all worked out and you're totally right. I was crying a few days ago after one of there "outbreaks" of just vile out of the blue nastiness and the things they said. My 3 year old seeing me cry and having to ask if I'm ok is not something I want to ever happen again.

Thank you and I'm so glad you're doing well now

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexisP90 · 18/10/2024 19:28

Snorlaxo · 18/10/2024 19:24

My kids have never met my parents and they are now adults. I’ve told them that we don’t see them because my mum is abusive and there’s no way to have a relationship with just my dad and they happily accept that. It’s the best thing that I’ve done. They don’t know what it’s like walking on eggshells and they’ve never heard the absolute shit that comes out of her mouth. They’ve never been made to feel like an inch tall either. I can honestly say that the cycle of abuse ended with me and I successfully protected them. My kids are not interested in knowing my parents even though I told them that once they are adults they can meet them if they want.

I think that you’re deluding yourself that contact with your parents is a good idea. As ds gets older they will both start talking about longer term contact like sleepovers and holidays and you’ll find it hard to say no.

Good grandparents are fabulous for kids but bad ones can do deep damage. If you decide to stay in contact or go LC then be careful with your heart. Abuse chips away at self esteem and happiness and you deserve the best in life.

Thank you hun x. Totally right. It took me a long time to get away from the childhood I had and even if they aren't like that around DS, he's going to pick up on these things as he gets older.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexisP90 · 24/10/2024 17:06

Tha ks for all your comments
After another round of my parents drinking and getting hurtful voicemails about how they hate me and prefer their other grandchildren I'm done.
My mum messaged "sorry i didnt mean it" the next day but I am fucking done with this.

My child will never be second best to anyone.

I had a horrible childhood and have moved on and created a decent life for myself (great job, own home) and a stable loving home for my son.
It's too hurtful and toxic for me to continue any relationship now.

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