Struggling to cope with my 2 DC after school

[TheBaddies]

My eldest is just 4 (end of August birthday). He’s naturally intense and highly strung. He’s just started reception and they have referred him for an ASD assessment. He’s doing well at school but it’s taking it out of him. After school he just wants to come home and have 1:1 attention from me and his toys.

My youngest is 16 months and absolutely feral. He never ever stops moving and wants to be walking/running outside all the time. No interest in toys. Polar opposite to DC1.

I have them both on my own 2 days a week and, as embarrassing as it is, I am really struggling to cope. 3pm-6pm is literal hell. One of them is always crying/screaming. Either I drag them out and DC1 melts down, or we stay in and DC2 runs at the front door holding his shoes tantruming.

I’m on the verge of splitting them up: DC1 in after school club 1 afternoon per week and DC2 an extra afternoon in nursery. Both wouldn’t like this, especially DC1. But I can’t see any other way unless anyone else has any ideas?

Very similar to our house (although no ASD, as far as I know). I am SO FCKING GLAD that the big one has started school. Lovely as she is, having two together is awful.

After school we go to the park for as long as possible, even in the rain (look kids, a puddle!. It’s grim but better than the alternative). Or telly. Needs must.

Sorry, no useful words of support. I had a 2 year old and my very sensitive DS (mo SM that we know of but sometimes I wonder...) starting school back in 2021. After school was so hard. I probably made things worse for myself because I have a no TV in the week rule. It just took time and I accepted the chaos. Always a good snack and tried to have some activity to keep them happy. But 3-6 felt like a week and it was crap for about a year. Things slowly got better...easy meals that I just heated up, tried to be on top of chores during the week. 16 months is a chaotic age and that will get much easier very quickly.

I think if you really can't cope, consider your afterschool/nursery idea for a short while. I now have a 7,5 and 2 year old and it's still infinitely easier than that first reception year

Lovely as she is, having two together is awful

I agree. Since DC2 has been on the move it’s felt close to impossible. On their own they are fine. Together it’s horrendous. I feel we’ve got a lot of time in the trenches ahead of us as well until they will play together. If ever.

After school we go to the park for as long as possible, even in the rain (look kids, a puddle!. It’s grim but better than the alternative). Or telly. Needs must

I wouldn’t be against going to the park and DC2 would be very happy, but DC1 would be a tantrummy nightmare. His toys help him regulate after school. Even the TV wouldn’t really work as I wouldn’t trust DC1 in the house on his own while I run after DC2 down the street. ARGH.

They will play together - honestly!! My older one even helped his middle sister do her homework tonight. Unimaginable!

Garden?

So much solidarity.

One thing a friend and I have talked about, but never done, is swapping kids. Hers are the same age as mine, and I’m sure it would be easier if each of us had two 4yos or two 1yos. So at least their needs are similar.

Could you take your toddler to the park for an hour or so before you pick up your eldest from school. It might give him a chance to burn off some of his energy and then cope with being at home after school?

A mothers help or local trustworthy teenager to help you from 3-6pm a couple of days a week?

This is the closest we’ve got to success to be fair. Sometimes DC1 can be tempted onto his trampoline for a bit while DC2 potters. Generally thought DC1 is not up for the outside and DC2 is an escape artist and just stands at the gate screaming to be let out into the big wide world 🙃

It might not help you right now, but they may play together sooner than you think. My younger one is two and two months now and has been playing with her big sister reasonably well for a couple of months I'd say. (Now my problem is that she's miserable if DD1 isn't in the room!)

In the short term, is there any way you can take your younger one to the garden (if you have one) but be in earshot of the older one - window open or whatever?

My kids were a bit like this, but the other way round - oldest is live wire who needs to be out of the house, and youngest likes being home with his toys.

This may not work for you, but I used to take them to the park and take toys, colouring books etc for the youngest, so they could get down time while the older one went crazy. They are now 9 & we and the oldest does loads of activities as it really helps him. Younger one comes along with a bag of Lego, a book, some character toys and plays on the sideline of the pitch/ in the car/ waiting area etc. it's not ideal, but everyone is as happy as can be while I'm spread thin, meeting very different needs.

It would not be an exaggeration to say he is on his feet outside all day apart from the hours of 3pm and 6pm on my days off with him. He has been walking since 9 months and just won’t stop. I tried a toddler group yesterday (the sort of thing I did with DC1 a lot) and he spent the whole time trying to escape out of the door, so we abandoned it after half an hour. It seems absolutely impossible to fill his cup for exploring outside!

I have considered hired help. Just feels so pathetic I can’t manage my own children for 6 hours 🙃

Don’t be embarrassed - it’s absolutely awful feeling that you can’t meet both their needs at the same time. I used to tell myself that it was good resilience training for whichever one I made miserable and to learn the world can’t revolve around you. It feels utterly shit though. I’d definitely do the after school club / nursery thing for your sanity if you can afford it. In the holidays I sometimes would put one in childcare and not the other, then switch over just so I didn’t have to deal with someone always being angry or upset. Solidarity. It does get better.

I got myself some Loop earplugs. They really take the edge off and makes the feral children easier to cope with.

Oh I feel you.

Ds9 with low level ASD but he holds it in well at school so is easily overwhelmed outside of it. Did I mention I blessed him with TWIN brothers nearly five years ago?? Yup. First term in Reception. Oh. My. God. It's one mile home. Only one tiny little mile. Like a Nike of pure hell though lave and fire!!

Even once home, they can't agree on a TV show, they are bottomless hungry, they just drive each other potty but they also love each other so much and know how to hurt each other (telling each other they're naughty, getting to 3 on 1... 2.... , saying they're not friends.

So no, no ideas or advice, only solidarity

Firstly l hate that in the UK kids start school so young. In lreland your dc4 wouldn't start until 5. He must be exhauted ,poor thing.
Even if he is not ND it's very common for them to be wrecked, cranky, out of sorts after school so that part is normal. Can you give him a good snack as soon as he walks out of school. Don't even wait until home. Can you get him a weighted blanket and let him cuddle up in it for a while in a quiet room to unwind. Or a pop up tent where he can go with his toys with no stimulation around him and ds2 can run amok elsewhere. I wouldn't apologise for having a teen drop in to help . I did this when mine were younger as ds loved being in the garden but l hated being outside for hours. My dd also did it for my neighbour and her two kids were ND and you couldn't take your eyes off them for a second. Do whatever works as they won't be this age forever. Often primary kids begin to adjust around Halloween so it could improve soon. It's all about survival so if putting ds2 into nursery in the two afternoons works go for it. You have all morning with him and now it's ds1 turn to have some time.

This may be an unpopular suggestion, but can you put the TV on for a bit?