Really struggling with 4year old DS

[sarahanddig]

My DS is such a handful and I swear he's just getting harder. When people say they get easier at school I feel like it couldn't be further from the truth, in our case anyway.

I am stressed in my job and I find I just don't have the patience that I need to deal with him in a text book way. I have moods, emotions and problems of my own that this just feels oh so hard!!

He is loud, energetic, doesn't sit still, won't watch tv for longer than 2 minutes, he doesn't stop talking, he's extremely sensitive, he whines, he screams, he still has accidents (that is a whole other story and has been causing me stress for over 2 years now), he's started being very rude, he'll say stuff like "that lady thinks you parked bad" as in the car next to us. He has developed some kind of irritation with me, he seems to prefer DH and so I am currently being rejected.

I have tried gentle discipline, more firm discipline, talking down on his level, ignoring the whining, time outs, confiscation of toys, treats and praise for good behaviour, I've tried praising the smallest of good deeds e.g well done for passing that you so nicely to your sister, I've tried humour, I've tried everything!

It's got to the point now where part of me has branded him as 'a difficult character' and I constantly have thoughts around "what is he going to be like when he's older!?"

I am a first time parent and so I have no experience of a child becoming easier at 5/6/7 and so I have no confidence he will do. All I know is he's nearly 5 and he's currently very hard work for us.

I am sure people will come on to tell me I'm doing it all wrong and I am branding him a villain when he's a sweet child but what if he is just a very difficult kid - how do I deal with that!?

Hopeful bump

My 4 year old DS is the exact same OP... he's also my first so I'm hoping someone wiser comes along to reassure us...
Sending solidarity!

4 year olds can be arseholes. Starting school often makes them more tired which makes their behaviour worse.

He isn’t going to suddenly change, you’re the adult so you need to regulate your own emotions so you can deal with his. You need to focus on sorting your own stress, exercise, seeing friends, breathing techniques, meds or whatever is needed. Then when you’re able to be mostly consistently calm when your with him you can start trying out different parenting techniques.

Things do get easier in some ways but more difficult in others. It all depends on what things your child find difficult in their life.

Could be worth looking at Zones of regulation @sarahanddig - many schools ae using variants of this to help children learn how to regulate their own emotions. Some children easily pick up from parents/carers/siblings how to do this, others need to be specifically taught.

https://www.nhsborders.scot.nhs.uk/media/1001858/Zones-of-Regulation.pdf

My son was a complete douche between 3-4.

He got better with every passing year. He's 9 now and brilliant.

I think you've just got to keep reinforcing the boundaries, stick to your guns, try and stay calm (this is hard!).

At that age they are still so young and with that comes wholly unreasonable and highly irritating behaviour, but they do come out the other side eventually.

Hi, I saw this yesterday and didn't get chance to reply and I don't think I have any helpful tips but just wanted to send solidarity, my 4 year old's behaviour has been quite difficult since starting school. I really wasn't prepared for how much of a big transition it would be as he was in nursery 5 days a week with wraparound but it's knocked us about a bit emotionally. I'm just trying to remind myself this is all a phase and it's a big change for them. Hope you're ok, I know it's really tough at times x

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I find it sooo hard to keep calm. And especially when you know that's the thing that you NEED to do. But even when you're having a good day and you do manage to keep calm, it's not like even that works!
It's almost like you have to accept that this is really bloody hard, and constantly look at the longer term, but you're faced with the challenges everyday and it's almost quite soul destroying.
I don't mean to be negative as I do love my son so dearly, I'd walk over fire for him, but I feel like it's very hard to be honest with people in real life for fear you will be branded as a bad parent, or someone not coping.
Anyway it's good to know I'm not alone and sending calm and positive vibes to everyone x

My DS is nearly 4 and I hear all this, including the accidents.

I feel like I’ve gone wrong with him somewhere and unsure how to put it right.

If it is any help, I remember a friend telling me "Everyone talks about the terrible twos, but no one tells
you about the fucking fours!"