Co-Sleeping with 4 year old- HELP

[Willsoo]

Hi,

Would really appreciate any advice on this issue or anyone who has experienced something similar. Before I start, please be kind, I know I have got myself into this mess.

Just to give some background information, I have two children. My second child is very good at settling in his cot, doesn't need myself or my husband, never sleep trained him, we've been lucky. My first child, however, different story! My husband and I have never wanted to co sleep and it's never been part of the plan.

We started to co sleep with our eldest, I'd say around 11 months or so, could be sooner. We moved house at the time and he wouldn't settle very well in his cot. We took the easy option and had him in our bed a few times, this then developed into him spending the whole night in with us. This all carried on much longer than we had hoped and I became pregnant with my second child. We knew we had to get him out of our bed so he didn't feel pushed aside when the newborn came.

When the baby came, my eldest moved to his bedroom eventually, in a double bed. Again he wouldn't sleep on his own and also just wanted me. I spent most my time flicking between feeding my newborn (with the help from my husband- I was bottle feeding) and then spending the night with my eldest.

Fast forward a few years and a lot has happened. We have moved to the other side of the country and that was a big move for us all. My relationship with my DH hasn't been the best. We had hoped with the move my eldest child would be happy with his new room. He picked his bed, decorated it himself but we are still at the point where he is wanting me to stay with him. We've even tried a sleep consultant which was a waste of £200.

I keep having broken nights sleep and I am someone who NEEDS and loves my sleep. I'm a teacher and it really affects how I feel in the day, I'm often exhausted. I also would like a 3rd child, crazy I know, my husband is not keen. He has told me he won't even consider it until the sleeping situation is sorted. I have tried reward charts, bribery, choosing a room and decorating it. I feel like I've tried most things. My eldest says he is scared of the dark so we have tried night lights etc all the gadgets. Can anyone help? I know I have gotten myself into this rather shit situation.

Hiya OP

Unfortunately I've absolutely no useful advice whatsoever as I'm in the same situation with my ds who is about to turn 4. We've co-slept since around 13months and I've tried every trick in the book to get him into his own bed to no avail.
Does your ds tell you why he won't sleep in his own bed? My ds says he's scared of monsters, however that's fairly new, he couldn't really articulate why this time a year ago.
Will be following with interest.

Moving across the country was never going to be a good time to start a new bedtime routine.

My oldest was the same. Now she is older we suspect she is ND, she is much better at sleeping but she still some times comes and gets me during the night or struggles to get to sleep. I’ve just realised I have to accept who she is and where she is at.

Things which have helped

• a new large cuddly toy.
• those microwave toys
• talk about how if they wake up they should try snuggling back to sleep before they get you
• yoto stories, especially guided sleep ones
• weighted and different textured blankets
• spraying your perfume in their cuddle toys
• Lots of exercise, at 4 they should be getting 3 hours a day. Get them outside as much as possible, especially in the morning
• wake up at the same time each day
• Start focusing on getting them to go to sleep by themsleves. Pre warn them for a few days and then for the first week say you have a job to and will be back in 5 mins but they should try and go to sleep themsleves if their ready to sleep. Make sure you go back in 5 mins, the week say 10 and the week after say 15 mins. It takes an average of 15 to 20 mins to fall asleep so it will be a couple of months before they fall asleep without you.

Just in case you don’t already don’t let him sleep in your bed, if needed always sleep with him in his bed.

My now 5 year old was the same. He’d go to sleep in his own bed, but every single night would without fail end up between DH and I.

I’m a fairly heavy sleeper and we have a big bed so I didn’t mind, but poor DH was having his sleep impacted as DS got bigger.

He started just gently walking DS back to his own bed and sitting with him for 10 minutes while he settled again. Not making a fuss, just saying “Come on buddy, back to your own bed.” and then no more talking, cajoling or comforting him.

He just stayed consistent with this until one night DS just didn’t come in. It wasn’t a quick fix, took a few weeks, but thankfully DH is much more resolute than me! DS knows if he has a nightmare or feels upset or scared it’s fine to come in to us, but any other night he needs to stay in his bed.

A lot of it came down to him maturing, but we’ve also got much better at working out when DS is genuinely needing comfort or when he’s just pushing his luck!

He doesn't sleep in our bed much, it's me getting in his with him he wants.