Friend Cliques and Excluding

[PallasCatAnonymeow]

Hi mums, my daughter started a new school last year and had a few ups and down throughout the year.

As the year progressed however it seems that she was being noticeably excluded from things that her new best friend was both organizing and attending.

I take full accountability for not initiating playdates and opportunities for socializing outside of school - to my daughter’s detriment - as I suffer from a lot of social anxiety and moderate depression.

I feel so overwhelmed that I’m hindering her “friendship development” and am somewhat catastrophizing this situation, which may only be minor and not so bad as I have imagined it to be. Obviously it goes back to a lot of my own unhealed trauma of being excluded at school.

Do any mums have ideas on how I can help her (and me) feel more connected to her friends and their mums outside of school? I really feel so terrible about it. Thanks :)

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough seeing your kiddo struggling with friends and being left out.

Kindly, the best thing you might be able to do is first work on your own trauma. Have you tried therapy? If you start healing yourself you’ll naturally find it easier to navigate these situations.

It may also be these friends are just not her people. I went through similar with my eldest. I told him to pay attention to how people made him feel inside, and spend less time with those who make him feel sad or left out, and more with those who make him feel happy. He had a tough patch, but he’s now got a new group of buddies, who are fab. And guess what? The Mums are much friendlier too.

How old is she? This makes a big difference.

If she is too little that a friend won’t come without a parent, it’s probably still too soon for play dates.

If she is old enough to have a friend over without a parent (say 7+), just ask her who she wants over and talk to the parent at pick up. You don’t have to even interact with them while at yours. They’ll entertain themselves.

That said, friendship groups shift a lot especially from Y3 and I don’t think not having friends over is going to mean she is excluded. I can think of children who never have play dates and they do fine with school friendships. Not everyone has a parent home after school.

That said, I think you very likely need to almost stay out of her way. It sounds like you’re projecting a lot of your own issues on her unnecessarily. That’s not going to do her any good.

I have done a lot of therapy but I know I need to do more. In a bit of a therapy burn out but hoping to return soon.

i like your idea of paying attention to how people make her feel, and spending less time with those who make her feel left out, i will suggest that to her. Thank you for your advice :)