Am I missing the best years?!

[Shleepymummy]

I’m a working parent and work 3 days a week, at home 2 days a week solo with my 3yo and 1yo then home at weekends with DH to parent. It’s hard going, finding that balance, I have a tough job that I’ve recently found is starting to creep into my home life, thinking about work, answering an email or two on my day off (easy quick answers from my phone, deleting irrelevant stuff).
2 of my Mum friends don’t work, SAHMs and 1 is due to go back but wants to be a SAHM and is so upset about going back. I keep hearing that ‘you never get these years back’, ‘they’re only young once’ etc. I like my job so it’s never really bothered me but since going back with 2 kids, I’m struggling and finding I’m tired and snappy on my days with the kids.
My parents have noticed I’m bit frazzled (what working mum isn’t?!) and have offered to give me money so I can cut my hours. But not to cut a whole day, just not doing long days (8-6) but shorter days (8-4).
So do I do that? I really like my job, I don’t mind being at work. I feel like being at home
more helps with food shop, some cleaning but with nursery hours and my hours I’d still have to pay for kids to be at nursery for full days, so I only really gain 2 hour a few days to do bits, get them a bit earlier.
what do I do?! Maybe not right now the kids notice but what about when they hit school?! Any other working mums out there able to tell me this mum guilt about working isn’t real- my 3yo wont miss me at her sports day when she starts school etc?!

Wound another alternative he DH dropping a day?

Honestly, I found filling the afternoon hours more difficult than working longer days. I really enjoyed work and found 5 days a week at home with small children was really tough with very little variety. But that 4-7pm slot isn’t really quality time.

One thing you might do is think about how you can make life easier: do you do online shopping? Do you have a cleaner? We used to have someone come 2 hours every other week and it actually made a huge difference. Do you have some time for yourself each week that isn’t work? And yes, could your dh adjust his hours to make things easier?

I think a mum you always feel torn between competing needs and guilty-its tough and often exhausting.
Working 8-4 may make you feel less tired.
Can you afford reduction in hours without your parents help ? How long term will their financial support be?
Also will work reduce your workload if you reduce your hours? ( not expect same work for less pay-is this already an issue?)
DC grow up really quick and often you can be too tired to really appreciate it-that's normal even if you are a SAHM, being at home with DC can be exhausting too.
I found working 3 days a week a good balance but
8-6 is a really long working day, 8-4 would be more manageable.
Only you can make the decision in what's best for you but if you are exhausted and stressed working 8-4 rather than 8-6 would help.
As PP also look at things that can make life easier, grocery delivery, cleaner, are you and DH doing tasks 50/50 when you are both at home? Can he adjust his hours? Do you ringfence time to yourself?

Would dropping to 8-4 help or would you end up actually carrying on working to stay on top of things? To me, 3 days is quite normal and a decent balance, but it's never going to be easy with 2 small children at home! Would your parents instead use the money for other things to make your life easier e.g. cleaner, prepared meals?

Parents of young children get very caught up on the early years. Children need you throughout childhood and so there's not this 'magic' window before they go to school. You can reevaluate when they go to school, but it might be more useful to finish at 2pm one day rather than 4pm several days, as it would let you do pick up an extra day. Presumably with 2 days off you will be able to go to a fair amount of sports days, assemblies etc.

I work 2 days with a 2 year old and am.at uni another day but only Oct-Dec, Feb-Apr. I struggle to fill 3 days a week when I'm not at uni, no toddler groups in afternoons! :-(

Can you buy in help to ease the pressure?
Charlie Bingham ready meals/cook
Cleaner, who changes bedding and puts the washing on, ironing
Delete work email access on days your not at work
Find some time for you eg Saturday DH and you each get half a day to yourself and family day Sunday

You do what works for you!
I plan to work part time until my little boy starts school as he only gets one early child hood and I think he's better off spending two days a week with me on adventures and being nurtured than in nursery (which is great - good activities and lovely peers - but 40 hours a week is too much for his age in my opinion if there is a choice, which there is for me)

Personally I found 3 days the sweet spot but worked 9-5. Any less and work seems a bit of a shock any more and I missed being with the kids when they change so much.

3 days here and this works, I think I shorter days would be better tbh with ones so young just for a couple of years.
But yes, they do miss you if your not at sports days/assembly's etc don't underestimate the importance of showing up for these things if you can. Mines now 7, at school at beginning their independence journey and yes I am v glad I had the time with him when he was little but it also seems more important now he's more aware, wants to ask questions about life/friendship/still wants to spend time with me etc. BUT my working time and his school time is definitely needed for our own individual sanity!
Do what works for your family, but I do think 8-6 is a long day for your own brain

Honestly, the nursery years are better spent in nursery! It’s when they start school that you’re suddenly needed at the drop of a hat, for meetings, performances, sports days, reception class when they start only doing half days… I would stay as you are now and plan to reduce once they start school if anything. Outsource what you can in terms of housework etc.
I would say that the neediest time was reception and ks1. It’s gradually got better again but don’t underestimate how much flexibility you may want later, as secondary age brings a whole new set of challenges. Above all, they need you to be completely present when you are home, that’s the main thing I think I have learned.

‘The best years’? I don’t think so.

I think three days a week is a really good balance, but if it isn't working for you then I'd consider your parents offer. The other option would be to work three days, but have the kids in nursery 3.5/4 days so you have a bit of time to decompress/sort house stuff etc and then you can properly enjoy them on the three days you're with them.

Both of mine were very different growing up and different now (18 & 14) but there's never been resentment from either that I worked PT or that they were in nursery several days a week. Although I still remember the guilt.
It helped them to transition into school. What mattered to them was me listening to them when they told me about the things they had done, new friends, minor arguments etc.

In terms of once they start school, the key there is flexibility rather than total hours worked, so I'd look to having a job that is as flexible as possible so you can nip out for sports day/plays/parents evening. It's better to work a 50 hour week with flexibility than a 25 hour week with no flex once they hit school age.

In terms of the 'best years' it's obviously personal but I vastly prefer spending time with my children now they are at primary school, can hold a proper conversation and have some independence. The preschool years felt to me more like an endurance test!

Gosh, it would be very sad if 1-3 were the best years - if this was true I would think boarding schools would be a lot more popular!!

This may sound a bit sickly, but we’ve found that every age is the “best age” as they grow up. 21 and 29 are brilliant 😁
I was a SAHM and had friends that were and weren’t.

We all do what we need to do. Your kids are loved and cared for. Really, that’s all that matters in the end.

Thanks all.
Mix bag of responses which I guess shows how individual it all is.
Nice to hear I’m not the only one who would
struggle to entertain 2 young children 3-5 days a week alone.
We already have a cleaner who comes once every 2 weeks- she just cleans, no laundry or beds.
I should delete my work email from my phone, I’ve just found doing a few a day means I feel less stressed on work mornings but I’m not being paid so I should stop that.
if I reduce my hours to 8-4, my workload won’t decrease. I can delegate bits though. And it’s NHS….so essentially as long as I do my best, that’s that.
DH can’t reduce hours or help more than he does sadly.
I’m going to do nothing for now, see how we go over next few weeks.
as people have suggested, maybe I need to be more present when they’re at school