Not coping with three children

[Woventhread]

Not sure why I’m posting this, maybe I’m hoping I will feel better to write it all out. I have three children, DS6, DS3 and DD4m. DD was not a planned baby but we had (multiple) contraception failures (which fills me with awful guilt).

First couple of months were ok but the last six weeks or so have been hell on earth. My anxiety has been sky high about anything and everything. My six year old has been going through a hard time at school, my three year old has a speech and language delay so I’m incredibly stressed and anxious about his development, so much so that I’m now projecting my anxiety onto my baby’s development and obsessing over that too. Baby is breastfed (which is still relentless), doesn’t sleep well, and is going through clingy phase. I do put her in the sling but she’s a big baby and my back is starting to hurt from carrying her around so much. Three year old goes to nursery so I only actually have the baby and him together for 2.5 days a week but even that feels overwhelming at the moment. I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread.

I know I’m not eating well enough or looking after myself but (and it sounds pathetic) I genuinely don’t know how to find the time. I feel like I don’t have enough time to meet everyone else’s needs let alone my own and feel like I’m constantly letting everyone down. I feel like I’ve completely abandoned my six year old since the baby has arrived, I feel guilty every time I put the tv on for my three year old as I know I should be spending time 1 on 1 working on his speech and understanding, and well the baby just gets stuck in a bouncer or carrier most the time while I try to juggle the household chores.

My DH does his fair share but feel like he thinks that as I’m on maternity leave the bulk of the household/childcare responsibilities is on me. I go to a baby class once a week but find it a bit patronising now that I’m on baby number 3. I just sit there listening to the first time mums thinking that I wish I’d stopped at one child - which is an absolutely awful thing to think and I hate myself for it.

I’m having CBT sessions but find it so hard to put the things we discuss into practice. My mum isn’t much help to me as she works full time and is pretty useless tbh, I feel like I’m putting her out if I ask her to have even one of the kids. MIL lives far away. My brain is an absolute jumble of thoughts and things I should/need to be doing. Most of all I feel like it’s all my fault for having three children and, as there’s nothing I can do about it now, I just have to live like this and hope it gets better.

You poor thing.

We had three very close together and I felt exactly the same. You're over worrying because your brain is a jumble, understandably. Your children will be fine, I promise. It. Does. Get. Easier. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Gradually, ever so gradually it gets better. You're right in the thick of it there.

Be careful, and don't have another one.

As a Mum of 3 with similar age gaps (mine are now 12, 9 and 6), all I can do is promise you it does get easier. The first year was hard getting the balance right but it does come eventually. At times, one will always appear to be getting more attention then another but overall, it will balance out. It's about prioritising and trying not to constantly feel guilty for doing so. It's reality of having multiple children unfortunately. You'll get there, I promise.

I feel a lot like this and I only have 2! 3 and 6 months. The 3 year old isn't in preschool yet and is very full on at the moment. My baby is very chill but does.not.sleep. I dread every day I'm on my own. Hoping things improve for you x

I (just) have a nearly 4yo and 7 week old and I want to say hats off to you! You’re doing incredibly well. I haven’t braved having the two of them together on my own yet, the idea feels impossible, so the 2.5 days a week you’re doing with two closer in age is great. But a lot of what you write feels very familiar to me - the way you see only what you’re not doing, and the struggle to prioritise your own health (physical - with good food - and mental). Does DH know any of what you’ve written here? Because the children REALLY are a shared responsibility, and it sounds like he needs to act on some of that responsibility by making things possible for you. An hour or two to yourself makes a world of difference to mood and capacity. It’s ok to need that, and to ask for it. You don’t have to carry everything yourself. Solidarity x

Another one who just wants to let you know that you're doing so much better than you think. I 'only' have 2 kids, but the first six months with them together nearly broke me. I look back now and genuinely don't know how I coped. Mine are 3 and 1 now and it's still intense, and I spend most of my time feeling that I'm getting at least something wrong. It's so hard, and you're in the absolute eye of the storm. But it will get easier. You will find time for you. It's hard to believe now, but this too shall pass. Just keep going

I was exactly where you are and I promise you, you’re doing brilliantly.

For me, I coped with one day at a time. When I couldn’t face a day, I’d cope with the next hour, and yes sometimes it was a case of just getting through the next 10 minutes. Break it down in to really small chunks rather than an entire mountain of stuff to get through.

It does get easier. It slowly lifts until suddenly you can breathe again. I had very little help from family, and now I am out the other side I can’t even believe I did some of the things I did. And you’ll feel the same, you’re doing a really hard job. Just slow it all down, your brain, your tasks, just think of one step at a time x

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply ❤️

I remember it being hard when I had my second baby but my eldest DS was just starting school so didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed. But this time round has totally floored me and I’m scared for the future. I’m trying to take each day as it comes but there’s so many ‘what ifs’ flying around my head that I just can’t shake.

I also think I need to come off social media as the perfecting parenting tips that come up on my feed are just too much. How vital the first three years of a child’s life is, and how I should be rotating toys, and doing x,y, z with them every day. It’s all too much pressure and I feel like a failure.

The most important thing is you are there for them op. Don’t beat yourself up about dvds etc. Try to choose semi educational ones and it truly isn’t massively different from you reading to him. He will still be getting input into language, vocabulary etc. Try to prioritise doing, say, three books a day ( children books are short) and then don’t worry about the rest of the time. That’s more than many would get.

Would getting out with the pram help? I know getting out the door can feel like you need 90 coats and 500 pairs of socks and shoes and a trailer load of baby wipes! But usually once you are out, baby will like the motion of being pushed and you can chat more freely with your three your old about what you see.

Do you have a local Home-Start? If so, I'd give them a shout - then you would have someone to give you some support once a week and to vent to!

You are doing way better than you think. It's such a tough tough time when they are so little (I had 4 under 7 at one point!) but it WILL get better and you will eventually come out the other side.

Gosh, I could have written this a long time ago, right down to the 3 year old having a speech & language delay and a bf baby (mine are now teens)

Is your 3 year old in SALT? I remember a massive improvement with ds and soon as we started weekly sessions, once his sound errors were identified and I was told how to help him. Obviously a language delay is different, which ds also had, but you can also get good advice on that.
I remember the therapist telling me to go to Aldi and get the catalogues, and discuss the pictures with ds. There are so many pictures that spark their interest - toys, food, colours, animals, so much to talk about and ask him “What is the lady doing”?

As for everything else, 3 is very, very hard and it’s all mostly a blur now. You sort of just get through those years. The baby will be fine in a bouncer!

Go easy on yourself X

Thank you 💐

Yes we are having SALT sessions and we have seen some improvement just not as much as I’d have hoped. I’ve got so many worries about him but don’t know how much of it is my anxiety or actual ‘mother’s instinct’. The line is very blurred at the moment in a haze of hormones and sleepless nights.

@Woventhread my 3 are a similar ish age to yours and it is bloody hard work. 3 is a total game changer but please do not beat yourself up about it. When the baby is a bit older then you will really see the benefit of having 3 of them but right now, it's really really hard. Like a PP said, you just have to focus on getting through each day at a time. I used to split the day into chunks and go from there. It's okay if your toddler watches tv- don't stress. Ignore all social media bollocks- it's not real life. Toy rotation? Not your priority right now. Can you list some tried and tested activities that you know you can manage to do with them? Does your 3yo still nap?

Can you pay for any help? A couple of hours here and there if your family aren't any help?

Thankfully he still naps (and for a couple of hours) so that’s what gets me through the days I do have him. I am tempted to put him in for another session at nursery (we can afford it with the free hours) but this fills me with immense guilt as I feel like I’m palming him off while I’m sat at home with the baby.

I do try to take him out for walks/the park etc which does help but I must confess I don’t when it’s raining as it’s hard with the baby. I have tried soft play/toddler groups but with his speech delay he can be hard work/frustrated which I find hard to handle at the same time as a baby.

I hated soft play and toddler groups! If he’s at nursery he doesn’t need it. Truly op, he’s fine playing at home. Give yourself a few targets. For me that would be maybe three or four stories read with him and talked about a bit and maybe a jigsaw or trip to the park. It’s good for children to learn to play with duplo etc on their own.

Thank you! It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who hates soft play and toddler groups. I find them so stressful!

There’s a lot of “I should” in your account of yourself/your parenting and that weighs so heavily. Let all of that go and your kids still have a safe home and loving parents. You’re doing great! And definitely cull the crap on social media that feeds the guilt and anxiety! I’m much happier since losing those accounts on Instagram. I’m now enjoying content that prioritises maternal wellbeing instead - lately, Kate Kripke as well as Anna Mathur.

Completely get where you’re coming from. Mine are now 12, 10 and 8 and I 100% promise you it does get easier and it does get better and you will come out of the other side.

It is tough and it is relentless and I know it’s only one more child than 2 children but somehow it’s 70million more children than 2… 😂

one day at a time. This too will pass

It's ok to ask for help from people other than your immediate family. A friend to come round for a coffee and a chat. A neighbour to call in with some shopping. What about your father/FIL? They can take baby out in the buggy for a bit.

I hear you OP. It's a decade ago now but I had a child starting school with ADHD and autism and new born twins. Round trip of 1 hour to school every morning and about 45 to collect. DH gone for 10 to 12 hours a day and no family help, not even someone at the end of a phone. I got someone in 1 morning a week through an agency, that's all we could afford and if I could have my time back that the one thing I would change. If there was ever a reason to get into debt it was that year. I should have paid for more help. One gem from the woman was you should always go to the one who needs you most right now. I was consumed with guilt cos I rarely held DD because she was good, I would be long periods bouncing DS2 in a sling while helping DS1 homework or making his food and wouldn't even look in on DD asleep. When they were bigger I remember I would put DS2 in the buggy and park him in front of the washing machine while I got jobs done. Or if both slept on the home school run they stayed in the car in the driveway for as long as they would stay so I could hang out with DS1. All were shoved in front of TV longer than they should have been. No one was ever put in danger and all were fed and clean and loved but it was not high quality parenting that's for sure!

Just get through each day, it's survival mode now. Don't analyse or compare, just hour to hour day to day.

@Woventhread Hi, I hope you’re feeling better 3 months on from this post? How are things now with you and your 3 children?

I’m writing in hope you’ll see this, I just googled ‘struggling with 3 children’ to just read some positive stories and just to read people have felt like me has been so refreshing honestly. My 3 are aged 5 (6 in March), 2 and 5 months old. I relate to SO much of what you have written here. Everything felt okay until maybe 3/4 weeks a go, I’m pretty sure the Christmas period triggered it tbh.

The 5 month old coming out of the always sleepy phase hasn’t helped, she now seems to need set naps and entertaining during her wake windows and I’m finding it SO hard. My eldest is at obviously at school until 3 so that is somewhat a load off, dad gets home about 5:30 and is out the house from around 8/8:30 so the days feel incredibly long.

2 year old is incredibly clingy to me, shy around others but a total whirlwind when home. He doesn’t solo play often so I’m just constantly juggling between breastfeeding the littlest one and sitting on the floor with him trying to play and find the energy/time to do so. At the same time doing household chores, planning nap times, trying to get out to parks and visiting friends/family etc. it’s bloody relentless. I so relate to that feeling of waking up and dreading the day as soon as your eyes open.

I too feel the guilt when I don’t do enough, feel like I’m a totally shit mother if we don’t get out every day, for not tackling soft plays, baby groups etc. I hate myself for it but I really beat myself up constantly over feeling not good enough. My eldest asks to go soft play some times when I pick him up from school and I feel AWFUL because I just know I couldn’t physically cope with all 3 of them there on my own. We do get out every single weekend, plan big days out twice a month, middle child has gymnastics on Saturdays with his dad and generally we do try so bloody hard to be good parents.

I really hope 3 months on you’re feeling better!

@C0l3tt Hi there 👋🏼

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling and can absolutely relate to every single thing that you have written. It’s a really lonely place to be but I’m glad
my post has made you feel like you aren’t the only one.

I ended up speaking to my GP and started on anti-depressants (Sertraline) which I can honestly say has made me feel like my old self again. Looking back I can see that I had post-natal depression but at the time I either didn’t want to admit it or thought it couldn’t possibly be happening to me. I no longer dread the mornings, I am enjoying time with my children (most of the time anyway - they still have their moments!) and I managed to enjoy Christmas (which the thought of three months ago was giving me panic attacks).

Not saying this is the case for you but it might be worth doing the PHQ-9 depression and GAD-7 anxiety questionnaires online as the results of these really hit home to me that I wasn’t ok and that it wasn’t my fault or anything I had done wrong.

I know it’s easier said than done but please go easy on yourself and show yourself some kindness. Your children are lucky to have such a caring and fantastic mum, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time x

@Woventhread Honestly thank you so much for replying! I am SO pleased you’re in a better place now, it must feel amazing reading this back and knowing you no longer feel this way. I have often wondered about PND if truth be told, the way I feel sometimes isn’t normal. I never had it with my other two but my third pregnancy was SO hard due to lots of different factors so I was already in a bad headspace before she was born. I was that stressed out the other day and not coping I text my partner saying I was just going to walk out the house. I didn’t of course and don’t think I ever would but my god do I want to sometimes.

I totally get how you felt about not looking at yourself or even knowing how to or when to even manage the time to. I really feel like we all eat like shit, too many snacks, too much refusing healthy foods and too much screen time.

I really feel for you with the obsessiveness over their development. My eldest has ASD and I was CONSTANTLY looking for signs in my second and now doing it with my third, it makes you truly miserable. How has your sons speech come on?

@C0l3tt this really resonates with me as looking back to my pregnancy I probably had antenatal depression, particularly towards the end. Like you, I didn’t suffer like this after my other two were born so it’s hard to recognise it when you are in the thick of it. I genuinely felt like I was going mad and remember one night when I couldn’t get the baby back to sleep just saying ‘I want to die’ out loud to my husband which sounds absolutely awful when I think back, but it was the shock I needed to get some help.

We are seeing some improvement with my son’s speech but it is still slow, and I still have pangs of sadness when I see other children his age chatting away in sentences and he is still using single words and lots of grunting! But I don’t let that sadness spiral into a bad day/week/month etc and that’s the difference now.

I really hope you feel better soon 💐 If you ever want to chat/rant/moan then feel free to DM me as I know how much it helps to know that you aren’t alone in what you are feeling x