Jealous of my daughters :(

[Nina90]

I suffered emotional neglect/abuse growing up and am now raising two daughters with my husband. Lately I have found myself struggling with feelings of jealousy and even resentment when I see my husband giving my daughters the kind of attention and parenting I wish I had had but didn’t.

Of course I want the best for my daughters so we both try to give them emotionally and materially what we feel they need to thrive. And I love them profoundly. But I can’t help but compare their experience and mine. Has anyone else experienced this? What t deal with/process these feelings (apart t from therapy - which I have had lots of and don’t really want to go back to)?

I don't think that jealous feelings are inherently wrong, as long as you don't act on them.

You just want what you never had.

I feel the same. When I see children who have really loving fathers, I can't help feeling jealous, as I never had a father.

But I would never ever say anything

I think the thing we want the most is loving parents, so when we didn't have that, we feel that sadness all of our lives.

It's "why can they have it and I didn't have it".

The biggest injustice always seems to be why did some people have good parents and some people have bad parents.

Life is unfair. I also had shit parents. I know all the feelings of unfairness it brings

How is it presenting? Is it a feeling but not one you are acting out on? Have you told your husband.

I would learn to meditate and sit with uncomfortable feelings. Also counselling may benefit.

If it's causing you to act out, snap etc then I would get some help.

But totally normal that you feel this way.

@Nina90 Do you act on your feelings? My Mum had a shit childhood and then gave me the same - although she did not do the same to my sister. Absolutely hated my Dad giving me attention and affection. It has always been my suspicion that she was jealous. Her issues resulted in her having a narcissistic personality and emotional immaturity.

In stark contrast, I’ve given my DD the childhood I wished I’d had. It is a choice how you react when kids hit certain milestones - for me, I felt sad and angry that any mother could treat her child the way my mother treated me. You can break the cycle of shitty childhoods. It irked my mother no end to see the relationship I’d developed with my DD and for me, that was enough ‘revenge’ and it spurred me on to become an even better mother.

It’s good you recognise that these feelings are not healthy and I would say you need to spend some time working through your own sadness so that you stand every chance of building a positive relationship with your children. You don’t want to go back to therapy but what do you want to do to work through your issues?

Is it actually jealousy of your children though, or just the feeling of seeing what you didn't have through them? Either way, as others have said, it isn't necessarily a bad feeling to have.

I can relate having grown up with an extremely abusive mother and absent father. I now have young children of my own, and find it really healing to be able to parent them the way I should have been. In a way it feels like I am reliving and getting the childhood I never had. It took time for me to get here though and I've also had counselling to work through my own emotions.

I suppose, could you look at it another way, how would you feel if your parent parented differently? What if it reminded you of your own childhood? Would this be better or worse? It may help to be happy that he's a good parent and you can be on that journey with him and your girls.

All the best.

That's meant to say 'partner parented' not parent 🤦🏻‍♀️

I feel really happy that DH is a better husband and father than my father was. The girls are happy and well rounded individuals because I chose a really good Dad for them after my experience with an emotional distant dictatorial Dad.

Try to be thrilled you broke the cycle of neglect/abuse

both my children and my sibling’s children are parented 1000x better than my father did for us.

I think I went through a period of grief when I realised how cared for my DD was compared to the really cruel treatment that was meted out to me as a child. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so awful to a vulnerable little person. I am no saint of a mother either but god knows I love my DD so much and I hate myself if I’ve upset her.

I think having children can often be a trigger for a lot of us that had less than ideal parenting. I thought I was jealous at one point because DH loved DD best, no-one had ever loved me best before I met DH. It’s such a childish response to being starved of normal parental affection. It was quite a messy time for me. i’ve come around to feeling happy knowing that if anything ever happened to me my DH would look after DD so well, I know he would be absolutely fine without me and that gives me a lot of comfort because tbh I love DD the best too.

I'm honestly jealous of anyone that has a nice caring father.

As I think why them and why not me. My dad wasn't around at all. Why couldn't I have that. It was my dearest wish to have a dad and I'll never have that.

It's not nice feeling to have. I'll never have a dad ad I have to accept it.

I get it OP. The fact you are writing about it on here shows you're aware and that's half the battle. I have to almost coach myself and make sure I'm always happy for my DH and daughter's strong bond. I celebrate it. I remind myself that the future is different. I would feel it more as a teenager when I saw how nice my friends fathers were. It stang. I do want my daughter to have what I didn't. I focus on that.

Invest in some therapy to help yourself heal.

I think one way to look at it is life is unfair, and we will never have the exact same experience as everyone else. That is the variety of life.

I didn't have a dad at all. Other people did.

I had a mother. My cousins mother died when he was 10.

We are never going to have the exact same experience as someone else.

Try to get your anger out at your parents. Journalling is a Start.

See that you learnt from your parents in a way, in that you chose a good man, who didn't abuse your children. Amd if he is a good dad he is probably a good husband aswell.

Think logically. Would you rather he abused them and you?

Not jealousy as such, as I choose this for them and regularly quietly celebrate the difference. I do feel pure anger, disappointment, pain and hurt. I have counselling. I can feel distinct pangs of wistfulness when they look so beautifully dressed and are so secure and relaxed. It makes me wish that it was me.

I find it harder with friends tbh but know it’s my stuff and not them.

I found it helps to let myself feel miserable about it, and accept it was awful. Count my blessings and let it go.

I think you have been very brave acknowledging this feeling up, it’s not unreasonable at all.

I think you have to grieve what you didn't have. Little you deserved better and she didn't get it. In your mind go back and give Little you a hug. She'd be so proud of what you have given to your own children. It is not easy to break cycles. And like others have said, parenting brings it all up to the surface and with a magnifying glass.

My DDs had a very different experience of parenting to mine. I sometimes felt a bit sad about this, but not jealous to be honest.

I think you should be patting yourselves on the back - you are giving them the best possible start in life.

Is it that your jealous of the childhood they’re having, or you’re specifically jealous of your husband giving your daughters attention?