Am I unreasonable or is this bedtime routine ridiculous?

[HaiISeitan]

I want to introduce this by explaining briefly - I am in a relationship (3yrs) and my partner has a 6 year old child. I have never wanted kids myself but have accepted that he has a child and took that on. I am not a parental figure for his child and I have no parental kind of responsibility over him, that has always been the dynamic as I do not want to be a mother. I still play a valuable part in his life and have a relationship with him, just without the unwanted parental responsibilities, which my partner has always understood and respected.

The part that I do really struggle with, and I find does really have the ability to drive a wedge between us, is that I strongly disagree with a lot of his parenting decisions. I don’t think he’s a bad parent, I feel he just lacks a lot of, what I would perceive to be common sense when it comes to kids. This really frustrates me as I don’t feel I have the ability to share these concerns and opinions, as he’s extremely defensive over his parenting and takes terribly to being criticised (I’ve learned from previous issues I’ve tried to raise).

I’m looking for some second opinions here to validate whether my views are valid or not, before I bring it up. His sons bedtime routine I find to be so, so, so bad and is detrimental to his overall growth and health. First of all, he puts him to bed at what I’d agree is a normal and acceptable time (about 7.30pm on a school night). However bed time doesn’t actually mean sleep time - this means, he goes up to bed and gives him his tablet to play on for about an hour - sometimes it even gets to about 9 o’clock and he’s still on his tablet. He then goes and takes his tablet away and tells him to go to sleep. He takes ages to actually settle down and go to sleep - I will often hear him up playing in his room instead of sleeping. I thought it was common sense / knowledge that screens for a child of that age directly before bed is a complete and unequivocal no-go. Am I wrong?
Another thing, he gives him chocolate milk to take to bed every night. Like, Yazzoo brand chocolate milk. The type that’s full of sugar. I feel like this is ridiculous and again, surely common sense to know that this is full of sugar and is a big no-go as a bed time drink? He’s going to bed absolutely wired from the screen and the chocolate milk, it’s no wonder he doesn’t actually go to sleep straight away. I often hear him saying he’s tired the next morning.

At this point I feel I need to say something to my partner because he clearly just doesn’t have a clue that he’s doing anything wrong. I think he thinks that because we fall asleep with the TV on, and he is an absolutely massive sweets and fizzy drinks addict, he’s desensitised to these things and doesn’t realise it’s not okay for a young child? His child also has some concerns over potential ADHD and problems in school with focusing and listening. I do think that based on his other behaviours that he could have ADHD, but this bed time routine surely cannot be doing any favours for his behaviour in school the next day.

YANBU to think that is really poor sleep hygiene.

But, by saying
I am not a parental figure for his child and I have no parental kind of responsibility over him, that has always been the dynamic as I do not want to be a mother. I still play a valuable part in his life and have a relationship with him, just without the unwanted parental responsibilities, which my partner has always understood and respected.

You are in an odd position. If his son lives with you, I can't see how that ^ can work.
If you are not prepared to take on any responsibility / build a relationship with his ds, then I can't see how your dp would accept criticism.
you are in a "I'm not prepared to do the work or take responsibility, but I'll just snipe from the sidelines" position.

PP nailed it

You can’t have it both ways OP. Either you want to be involved in parenting, or you don’t.

If you don’t want to be involved then you are going to have to let this slide, along with all the other stupid parenting decisions your OH will no doubt make.

For the child’s sake I hope you do say something. You’re absolutely right.

You are absolutely right to be concerned OP.
With the best will in the world, I would have to say something.

hey, thank you for your feedback!
I just want to note as I didn’t actually establish the custody arrangements, he does not have him full time, he is here generally 2-3 nights a week depending on work schedules as a rule, but can be more frequent during school holidays and sometimes other circumstances crop up.
If he was with us full time, I think I 100% would have addressed this already, and I totally agree that the dynamic would not work like it does now and I would need to step up a lot more.

What you’re saying about his bedtime routine is common sense.

Howver you have no parental responsibility, you want no parental responsibility, you’ve agreed this with your partner - so that’s it. You are not entitled to interfere, as you won’t be dealing with the consequences (certainly not as far as his mother might be concerned). Pick a lane.

Also agree with pp: how on earth can you routinely have a young child in your home and NOT assume some sort of responsibility for him? How does that even work?

sure it doesn’t sound like the ideal bedtime routine. Before we are parents we all know best about how we will do it and how we will do it all right. Then the children come along and they have not read the manual and they do not respond how they are supposed to. And we have to adjust our parenting to the child.

For me, you are either in, or you are out with the childcare thing. And if you are in it for the long term with the Dad, then you are in.

Screens can be helpful with regulation in children with ADHD. So the usual advice turns on its head. The iPad gets my DS to sleep.

Pretty sure that doesn’t apply to chocolate milk though! So unlikely this is due to ADHD

You are in a bad position. You can't give to much advice being you are not a parental figure/role. That said that tablet nonsense needs to go out the window. That's crap parenting there. To be very honest parenting a child both parents of the child in the relationship you sometimes argue about parenting. This I think will cause a wedge. But so you know you might not be a parent but you are 100% right about bedtime.

Is he even brushing his teeth after ?! I’d have to say something. Speak up for the kid before he needs all his teeth pulling

I would recommend talking with your S/O about your concerns and having a civil discussion about what you think should be improved with his sleep routine or other parenting techniques. I personally read a book with my daughter before bed to get her to sleep easier and without electronics! (we're currently on Ramona Quinby) Also, is he brushing his teeth after that chocolate milk? because if not, take that kid to the dentist. Good Lord! Hope this helps

My ex was like this with his child, he had no routine at all, he would bribe him with mcdonalds, cuddly toys etc.. and never deliver. He was such a lazy parent in general and I would go back to mine and worry about the poor boy. In the end we split up, do you actually see a future with this man?

I don’t think it’s a smart idea at all for a child to drink chocolate milk and use a tablet before bed… but you have made it clear to MN and apparently his father as well that you’re not about to offer to read a bedtime story, offer a relaxing bath/brush/bed routine, or help line up low-intensity audiobooks and a healthy snack before bed. So I’m not sure you get to express an opinion to the child’s father here!

Have you asked him about it? If the child has adhd this routine may be something they have come up with over time that works. I personally would absolutely not let any of my children take a tablet to bed however I know parents with nuerodivergent children for whom the tablet was the only way they could get them to settle down to sleep.
Also the playing I'm room.. again as long as he is in his room it may be his way of settling down.
I think maybe it's something to have a conversation with your partner about. But don't come at it in an accusatory or interrogator manner. Just casually ask sometime when the son is not there, about his reasoning.. just say you were just interested in his reasoning as you had heard tablets can disturb sleep.
You may find there's been some kind of parenting journey to get to this point with it.
Or he may just not have realised.

I don't think you can just straight up air your thoughts on it right off the bat. As you haven't taken an active role in parenting before at all so that might not go down well

This is not going to work.

It's a huge problem if this man is letting the child have the tablet and the chocolate milk if the mother doesn't.
Is this the case?
What is the bedtime routine when he's with his mother?
Is he playing Disney Dad?

But the bigger problem is that he won't accept criticism over other things.
This is absolutely massive, an enormous red flag.
Why are you with this man?

The problem is your partner and his defensiveness. I could not live with someone like this. Your frustration will develop into resentment and that will turn to contempt. Not a great basis for a loving relationship.

This. I feel sorry for the child, it must be so.confusing for him.

I agree the screen and chocolate milk just aren't good at all but definitely agree with others you either want to be a part of raising the child or you don't you can't pick and choose . I don't reallly understand why you would enter into a relationship with a father if you feel that strongly about having no responsibility for the child it's not going to work out long term

Regardless of any agreement to not be involved in parenting, I would just have to say something in this case.