Do you agree or not agree?

[anon1411]

So I've been told by a few professionals that when my little one is angry and hitting us and lashing out and being unkind, that we should cuddle him to help regulate his emotions.

PERSONALLY I don't agree with this. If he's just feeling angry and emotional, and doesn't know why and hasn't lashed out then I'm 100% for cuddling him to help him feel better ...

BUT when he's smacking us and other children and people around him I do not agree with cuddling him. Apparently cuddling is not a reward so by doing it, it will help him calm down.

I just think it undermines principle that he's hit and or hurt somebody. And cuddles show a sense of "it's okay, let's have cuddle" when hurting others is obviously not okay.

Would love opinions on this. No judgement here as we all parent different, it's just when I heard them say it, it took me by surprise a bit.

Thanks 😊

If my son say headbutts or lashes out. I move him to a safe place and ignore him

How old is he?

Think of it more as a sensory intervention. Aclot depends on how you do it - you need to stay calm so he feels your calmness. This will then help him to calm down. You don't do it in a fun way.

How old is he?

A youngish toddler who is lashing out without understanding? Then I could see the use of this - he needs to learn to stop and calm down.

An older one... not so much.

But then I wouldn't say I'm an expert. One of mine is prone to being rough. He doesnt hit or bite any more (he's 3 now) as he knows these won't be tolerated. But he's always looking for an oportunity to be rough and shove/generally physically dominate other children. I try to find positive outlets but I'm not successful so far....

I guess it depends why he is doing it and what he means by it. If he knows it's nasty and is doing it because he WANTS to hurt others, or because he thinks it's funny, then no a cuddle is not a good response.

However if he's doing it because he's scared and can't figure out a better way to communicate, then calming him and making his feel safe is what he needs. Once he is calm, maybe work on what upset him, and help him to communicate that, so he knows how. I know a child with speech delay and he was "naughty". Once he'd been taught Makaton, that changed because he could explain. For example:

• Instead of running off when asked to get his coat, he could say he needed a wee first
• Instead of just refusing breakfast and being angry about being pushed to eat, he could explain he wanted no food and bed because of a tummy ache a nausea.

Don't agree

If my child hits me I hold their shoulders, get down to eye level and say loudly 'you DO NOT hit me!!!!'

All this pussyfooting around, hugging, gentle parenting and nauseum does not work

He is 4 (just)so understanding is good and age appropriate and more often than not he lashes out when he wants attention. (Thats what i think anyway, i cant seem to find any other triggers)

He gets plenty of positive attention throughout the day and has a lot of 'adult' time but I feel he has to understand sometimes the attention isn't on him. He knows if he hits or lashes out at us or his friends or cousins etc, somebody has to tell him for that which means he's getting that attention, he's not bothered if it's negative or positive.

So as you can imagine when we got told about cuddling to help with his anger and lashing out, I was like WTF!

We did this with my daughter and it was affective when she was younger. Since 3.5 we have been moving away from it because she needs to learn that lashing out is not an effective way of managing emotions. It worked in situations where her actions were linked to cause and effect rather than hitting. If I do this mummy does y situations which we have less of as she has moved from 2 to 3 to 4. It can be quite effective when she's in a frustrated spiral but for us there are fewer situations where it's appropriate.

We sit her next to us and once she's out of her spiral we hug and talk through it.
Have they recently started school? We had a surge in behaviours since starting school. We gave introduced a pom pom jar and she gets rewards through out the day there are 15 tasks related things plus good listening and helping which have unlimited rewards. At the end of the week we count them up and see how many she's got and it has improved transitions and her cooperation through out the day with things that need to happen such as walking to school or eating breakfast. We have just finished her 3rd week and she has got a few more each week.

I absolutely agree that calming a child's emotions is more important than correcting right and wrong. I also believe that inappropriate behavior should be addressed immediately. But when it comes to helping them calm down, it's clear that offering a hug is far better than scolding.

Doesn't work for me..if I go to cuddle my LO mid meltdown she goes nuts then i can add another couple hours of it 😂. I make a quiet space and just be present and intervene by cushioning her head with my hand if she's headbanging. When the moments right I will touch her back, if no reaction I slowly move to a cuddle on her cue, if not I sit by her silently and let her let it out 😅

I have exhausted all tactics and this is the only one that gets us through safely. Patience (through gritted teeth) and being cool as a cucumber.

(My LO is coming up to 2 though, but got developmental delay)

Try it and see? Each child is different.

I think this is where you have to parent the child you have. When my ds was in a rage touching him would incite further fury. You just had to leave him to it.

(he’s nearly 4 now and doesn’t get angry much.)