Who should travel for arranged child contact?

[jack1992ok]

Hi,

Little bit of a back story, my son is 3 years old and me and mum split when he was around 6 months old. Since splitting I have been dealing with her removing him from my life as and when she pleases. We have been too court three times, in these times she’s used multiple lies and manipulative actions to gain control of my child. She was given a non mol against me, even though the day she was given that she woke up in my bed, she attended holidays with me after receiving it and still partook in a physical relationship with myself, there was no history of DV at all in the relationship and she had zero evidence to support this application, she then gained a prohibited steps order through court due to me collecting my own son from nursery without her permission after 9 weeks of her stopping me seeing him.

Since then the non mol was thrown out due to her refusing a fact finder but the PSO is still in place. In 2023 she removed my child from me due to me finding a new partner for almost 9 months. In this time I moved in with my partner who lives 60 miles away from my child’s mother.

We have had contact in place through court for around 6 months now and it’s worked fine but the argument and where the issue occurs is always around travel. She expects me to do all the travelling, I don’t drive due to medical reasons and have to rely on public transport to collect my son. If my trains are delayed and I’m late she will stop that contact and not allow me to have him until the next time. I have offered to pay travel expenses for her to do half the journey or her collect him from me at the end of contact and me collect him at the start, it’s costing me nearly £400 a month on train tickets alone just to see my son, yet she still expects 100’s in child maintenance even though I also buy him clothes, trainers, hair cuts etc when he’s with me.

Should she be travelling here aswell as me? I’m aware that I was the one who moved, but at the time of moving my child had been completely removed from me and my life. We’re due in court in November and this will be brought up, but because I cannot afford the thousands it’s going to cost having spent all my savings the last two times in court I’m trying to get as much advice as possible.

You made a choice to move away, you need to pay the travel costs.

Sorry OP but if you moved 60 miles away it isn’t reasonable for your ex to do the travelling.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve made some great decisions eg sleeping with your ex and going on holiday at the same time as her taking you to court and getting a non mol order. If the relationship was over then you shouldn’t have continued as if in a relationship. Also not a great idea to get involved with someone else and moving that far away while you are going to court for access to your son.

If there is a court order in place now and you have contact can you move back or can you travel the night before?

If I split with my husband and it was amicable I’d not be best impressed if he moved away and expected me to travel part way to facilitate contact, especially after doing the lions share of caring for DS the rest of the week and I’d not be happy if he turned up late to handovers each time. So if you’ve had an acrimonious split which it definitely sounds like you have, she’s not going to give you any leeway.

The ball is in your court to make the situation re contact better

Sorry OP, but you moved so you travel.

I understand your points of view…

Mother also travels to Essex between contacts etc. In which she needs to drive right past me to get too and from, the argument I have is if she’s travelling directly through my area on the way home, surely collecting him or meeting me at a services on the motorway close to my home is more efficient for everyone involved?

You moved, it's up to you to facilitate travel. The backstory doesn't matter here. She could drive past your house 5 times a day, every day, and it would still be up to you.

I'm very surprised she got a non mol with zero evidence. I know how much it took to get me one.

Yes, you need to do the travelling because you moved away.

Also yes, you need to pay maintenance towards your sons living expenses. She expects you... to pay your fair share of these. In fact, likely not a fair share, but the absolute minimum stipulated by the government. And yes, you cover costs when you have your son. That's how it works.

Also, who picks up their son from nursery without agreement like that?! How traumatic for her, and more importantly for your son! If you don't agree with the contact, then rely on the court to make it fair.

The one who moved away.

Her responsibility is to have the child ready and available for you at the set time. She does not have to bring him to you or wait around if you are late (waiting to see if/when daddy shows up isn't great for a child, so perfectly reasonable to distract them by getting on with their day, if you are not there at the arranged time).

You made a decision to move 60 miles from your child, the consequences of that decision are for you to navigate. It doesn't matter what your ex does or where she goes on non contact days. Your decision to move away also doesn't make your child eat less or need fewer cloths, so of course you still need to pay child maintenance. The cost of your travel are neither you ex or your child's responsibility, so why should they go without because of it?

You're sounding a bit entitled, OP. It's not up to your ex to facilitate the ease of your life. Yes, those with good co-parenting arrangements do help each other out, but it doesn't seem you have that sort of relationship.

You chose to move away, knowing you don't drive and without any sort of plan for managing your childcare responsibilities. Your travel costs have absolutely nothing to do with your child maintenance responsibilities. Those costs are to help with the day to day care of your child, not to pay for your train tickets.

It's also common sense that you never collect a child from anywhere without the resident parent's knowledge/permission.

You chose to love away so you need to arrange the travel. If she's driving past you then there's no harm asking as I'm sure that would be easier on your child but she doesn't have to say yes. I think you need to look at moving closer

You moved away knowing full well the implications of that. Your problem not hers.

I also know the process of getting a non mol so I'm suspecting abuse on your part.

Get some therapy

In an ideal world you moving would mean that you have to facilitate travel, why should she when you CHOSE to move. However I have had a couple of friends who Court has decided even though they didnt move away they still have to meet in the middle to handover and collect. This may work in your favour when you go to court next month.

With my SD, both parents wanted her as much as possible and were constantly arguing for more time.

It made sense that both of them collected her for "their time". If the collecting parent hadn't picked her up at the agreed time, the other would have been quite happy to keep her until they did.

The complicating factor is you've moved so far away. We also moved once SD was a teenager, because now she can travel by train alone. We do pay for all her travel though, because it was our decision to move.

I think you have to wait and see what the court thinks.

You moved, you travel that's how it works.

You should have perhaps considered the living situation of your child before you moved somewhere where contact would be difficult for you to maintain.

You travel there and back on the day, or book a cheap travel lodge and stay in that area overnight to see him if it's too much travelling. Or take him out for the day in his local area then take him home

I sympathise with your struggles with your ex however what regards to travel, you moved so you travel.

She was given a non mol against me, even though the day she was given that she woke up in my bed, she attended holidays with me after receiving it and still partook in a physical relationship with myself, there was no history of DV at all in the relationship

🚩 why were you shagging her and going on holiday with her after she got the non mol ? That’s bizarre behaviour - did you find having a non mol exciting or something ?

Morally you should do the travelling as you moved away. You should have considered travel cost and route when you chose where to live. You don’t have to live in the same place as her but have you considered moving somewhere closer?

Absolutely no way on earth I’d move away from my children, even more so if I couldn’t even drive. If your son was seriously ill and had to be taken to hospital in the middle of the night, you’d have no way to get to him. And while he may be 3, in another year or two, he’ll have parents evenings and school plays and sports days and friends birthday parties to attend. How will you be travelling to all of those because that’s a big part of being a parent that it seems like you’ve made nearly impossible for yourself?

None of your business what your x does. You should accep mum doesn't want to help you out. You moved miles away from your son.
Did court say anything about travelling? They might sort something in favour of you.

It is your responsibility to travel for your contact time with your child.

The fact that the mother might pass you by sometimes is irrelevant. It is still your responsibility. It is also your responsibility to ensure you are there on time. It is incredibly unfair to keep your child waiting, and it’s unfair on the person who does the vast majority of parenting to be kept waiting as well. Leave earlier if pupils transport is unreliable.

It was selfish and irresponsible for you to move so far away from your child, and worse that you don’t see that the travelling is rightly all on you now.

Yes, you should do all of the travelling. You chose to move away from your child. Move closer if your life choices are making it hard to be a parent.

You should do the travel as you moved.

In reality, if you took it to court they would most likely get you to agree a half way meet point or one does drop off one does collection.

She has a non molestation order against you, of course she doesn’t want to travel to you or to a halfway point.

Can you move?

I haven’t read all of the comments, but my DH is forced to do half of the travelling with in regards to my DSS, despite it being his mother who moved away. So all these people who are saying it’s you who moved therefore you who have to travel are not correct in all circumstances anyway.

It's usually the parent who moves away that has to do the traveling.