To not pass on my terrible relationship with food to my DD

[Journeyintomelody]

This is a hard post to write, please be gentle. I have my DDs best interests at heart. Its long, so feel free to skip to the last few lines if you cba to read all of it 🙂

I have a terrible relationship with food. My lowest weight was 4 1/2 stone in my early 20s. I am a healthy bmi now and the heaviest I've ever been. I have a fairly good relationship with my body now but my eating habits are... Strange.

I had the same meal 5 nights a week as a child (jacket potato and baked beans). It was rubbish. By the time I was 13 I was cooking for myself and using money from part time job to buy cheap ingredients. I got really into sport and found it difficult to maintain my weight. I was very active. Picked up a parasite in Morocco. Had severe D&V for several months as GP was convinced it was an eating disorder. (At that point it wasn't!) Couldn't keep anything down. Lived off rice cakes and bananas. I ended up taking a piece of paper into the GP surgery and said "I have this". They did the tests, course of antibiotics, I was fine in a couple of weeks. But after that I was just terrified of eating anything and it turned into a full blown eating disorder. Managed to get to a point where I was healthy again was very adventurous with food, would eat anything.

Today, I eat a 'balanced' but samey diet. Same breakfast every morning. Then I have the same lunch for about a month before switching and I alternate between 2 or 3 dinners for a month or so before switching. I just go with the seasons. Currently it's soup for lunch. chicken or mackerel, with rice and broccoli for dinner. I get all my nutrients in, not deficient in anything. Have high energy and do my sport.

BUT how do I help my daughter? I don't want her to have my bad relationship with food. I have to stick to my three meals a day otherwise I get stressed. I want her to be completely free. Luckily she is still a baby and so I've got some time to get things sorted. I am weaning her and (I know it's not great) but I am using the packets so she gets more variety and mixing in some different (less sweet) veggies such as cauliflower and broccoli.

I am thinking of buying a slow cooker so that I can make soups and stews that we can both have together over the winter. I want to get to a place where we eat the same meals.

I don't know how normal people eat. I was neglected as a child and didn't have that example. Ironically, I have worked as a chef in Michelin star restaurants so I know how to cook fancy food but when it comes to every day home cooking I really struggle. What would a typical weekly menu look like in your home?

Bless you OP. I just wanted to say how well you’ve done to get yourself back to a healthy place. Boring doesn’t necessarily mean bad, so don’t guilt yourself that you should have more variety.

I think you’re right to want to be weaning your daughter onto a varied diet. I think a steamer will be your friend (just a cheap saucepan one) and also a freezer if you have one. I used to batch cook one or two things a week, keep a few portions out in the fridge and freeze the rest into portion sizes, and then just get out the night before. Also just give plenty of finger foods - pic bits out of your own dinner once she can manage soft veg and meats. Just remember to do this before too much seasoning is added, in particular salt, as this won’t be good for her developing kidneys.

again a massive well done to you - your daughter is lucky to have such a strong and attentive mother ❤️

I don't have any specific advice but I just wanted to say well done for facing up to this and striving to do better for your daughter. You are a good mum.

I had a different issue with food - binge eating and restriction. Once I had my children I was desperate to avoid passing the disordered eating onto them, as my mother had done to me. I managed it through therapy, reading and educating myself about diet culture.

I wish you luck ❤️

Why not go to the library and get out some baby / toddler cook books and try the recipes in there.

Its fantastic that you can cook as that is half the battle.
Cooking yourself your normal meal is fine but use that time to also try small portions of her food and slowly expand your own choices. I have always had a good diet but it has definitely become more varied as I made things for DD.You have made progress previously and you can make progress again. I don't know if it's still on but I Can Cook on CBeebies had great recipes and suggestions on techniques on how to cook with young children which might be useful as she gets older in getting her involved with food prep.

Avoid the pouches simply because they have been found to contain mouldy food in the past where the pasteurisation hasn't worked properly and parents fed them to their children without knowing until they cut them open. - if you are going to use preprepared food use jars you can see into.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. My kids are 2 and a half and 6. Typical evening meals include:
Stir fry
Pie with roast potatoes
Omelette
Pasta bake
Home made pasties
Lasagne
Also as I'm vegan I eat a lot of tofu which the youngest has decided she loves so she eats lots of that. Tofu scramble on toast with avocado, mushrooms and tomato is a favourite.
Once a week we have pizza night. You can buy ready made pizza bases from Aldi then you just need tomato purée, toppings and cheese. The kids love making their own pizza .
I always try to incorporate loads of different vegetables into everything. Sweet potato fries can easily be thrown together. Also the kids love savoury pancakes -serve with cheese, veg, beans etc.

It's not perfect and we definitely have 'beige freezer crap' night once a week but it's pretty good overall I'd say and the kids are very healthy and happy. Good luck and bbc good food is your friend. My fussy eater is another good website.

Also if you can make a good cheese sauce then macaroni cheese & cauliflower cheese are good.

It already sounds as if you're doing brilliantly btw so well done x

The first thing I’d say is look into solution focused hypnotherapy for yourself. It’s incredibly effective for exactly this sort of thing.

As for food, for now, I really wouldn’t worry yourself too much about the impact on your dd. Most babies and toddlers actually eat very similar to how you do. The same sorts of things for breakfast and lunch and a small number of dinners on rotation. As long as your meals are healthy and balanced and you switch them up every month or so, your dd will be having a very typical exposure to food and family eating. This buys you plenty of time to work on your end of things over the next year or so.

It's really impressive that you're honest about your issues and thinking things through.
Could you try to expand the number of meals but do it from a list so that it doesn't stress you out. So instead of say 3 nights of chicken rice and broccoli,you could have one of chicken potato and carrot, and one of chicken stir fry? Then once you can manage that, you can expand some more? And definitely eating the same food together is a great way of teaching children about the pleasure and variety and sociableness of good food.
My DC is a teen now but I still have a long list of meals on the fridge which for me helps take away any stress.

I found using a cookbook to work really well. We've loved the 'What mummy makes' book as a great place to start so you can cook meals for both of you, that you know will be good for little one, and build your confidence and range. Of course there's the bigger picture to think about in terms of your relationship with food and not transferring that to her, such as not forcing them to finish their plate, not using dessert as a reward etc. Almost all of my mum group felt that we'd been raised with terrible habits around food and didn't want to pass them on to our little ones, and being aware of that is the first step. It sounds like you're already on the way and she's lucky to have you!

Cheering you on!
I make cheese sauce for macaroni and cauli cheese in the slow cooker. 1 part butter, 1 part cream cheese (Philly type or higher fat). Once melted on low, add 1 part grated cheddar and stir in until melted. Add 1 tbsp cornflour slurry. Leave to thicken on low (or high if still too runny). Done.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I was half expecting to get roasted! The thing is I will eat pretty much anything, I just find comfort and safety in having the same thing over and over. All great suggestions with the meal planning. I like @Namechangeforadhd's suggestion about switching up the same meal. Ie. Instead of chicken rice and broccoli, use potatoes as the starchy carb or green beans for the veg. That's less intimidating than doing completely different meals each day.

The other worry I have is for example, I've never ordered a takeaway or randomly bought a donut. I know at kids parties there will be lots of junk food. I don't want my daughter to think of this as bad food just because I won't eat it or go the other way and overindulge because it's not in the house.

I honestly wouldn't worry about not having takeaways or things like doughnuts. Your DD will get plenty of rubbish food once she starts going to parties and play dates! It doesn't mean you have to have it in the house, and let's face it, she'll be healthier without! All homes are different in terms of what they have in the store cupboard. We never had anything unhealthy in because it just wasn't how I had ever shopped. But I would get 'treats' in for playdates.
I always felt clueless about how other families ate (not for the same reason as you, it's just my family was quite odd! ) but there's a natural learning curve once they start getting invited to things.

OP, in answer to your follow up post about things like doughnuts, we have the concept of 'everyday' and 'sometime' foods in our house. This takes out all the emotional language around food. So we don't have 'treats' or 'rewards', we have food we can eat sometimes (think chocolates, crisps, ice cream etc), and food we eat everyday ('normal' food). I don't tend to keep 'sometime' food in the house, but would buy it as a single item on occasion ('sometime'). They can obviously then have such foods at things like birthday parties/Christmas/Easter etc, because those events happen 'sometimes' (you get the idea!).

I grew up with a very toxic relationship to food courtesy of my own mother and I was adamant I wasn't going to pass that on to my own kids, so you I have my full respect for having the same goal. It's hard, but you can break the cycle. For me, I wanted my children not to have any negative emotional connection to food. It is there to enjoy and fuel our bodies. Nothing is outlawed. Nothing is used to bribe or reward. We don't shame around food or praise. In taking those emotions away, I hope to build a positive relationship for them (I'm still a work in progress though!)

In terms of junk food not having it in the house most of the year is fine. As long as you aren't refusing for her to have junk food completely but you don't have to buy it.

From about 5 a small cup of fizzy or some sweets on the odd occasion won't hurt, I'd minimise it til then and those foods remaining 'special' for Christmas and birthdays or other events is just fine. Buying a small popcorn when you are at the cinema to make it an event type of things is fine too. Just like boxes of Quality Street, Mince Pie or Twiglets only used to be available at Christmas and it made it festive, now they are available most of the year and they are mundane now and lost their sparkle and special memories.

@sexnotgenders thank you for sharing! I will definitely be pinching your idea. I took want to get rid of the emotional language around food.

Its actually quite interesting thinking about it. I started to become more rigid/repetitive with my meals when I became pregnant and have carried it on since then. When there is so much happening that I can't control I find comfort and security in that I can control what and when I eat. I am confident that when things settle down a bit, and when DDs older I will want to cook for us both. I guess I just find it hard to do that for myself, especially when things seem to change day to day.

I really appreciate all the kind words of support and suggestions!

My DC is 2 and current dinners are most commonly

• rice tuna veg pesto

• eggs and avocado on toast

• homemade baked beans and crispy chicken

• roast chicken thighs with broccoli

• salmon pasta

I don't have much advice as such but i want to give you some reassurance that I know where you're coming from. I was also a similar weight to you at my lowest and have been in a psychiatric hospital twice due to anorexia nervous. I have a 3 year old DD and an 11mo DS and I am terrified of them following my history.
I eat a lot of variety but the constant 'am I fat' thoughts are obtrusive at times. I do everything I can to not let my kids pick up on it and teach them about food and that everything is OK in moderation.
I'm fully willing to have an open honest conversation with them when they're old enough about mummy's past and what I've learnt along the way. I think that's all you can do and let them know about food groups etc as they grow.
As another PP said, I never use food as a reward or punishment and let my DD know what food does and how our bodies use it for energy.
As horrible as it was when I was in the trenches of my eating disorder, I haven't let it define me and I actually think it's made me the strong person I am now and I certainly won't let it make me ashamed; it's my past, it's happened and I've learnt from it and you have too.
Sending so much love OP

@Journeyintomelody Firstly, it takes such a strong person to face what you have and not only get through it, but be realistic about the potential impact there could be on your child and strive to stop that ❤️ You’re a fantastic Mum and your DD is lucky to have you 😊

Repetitive meals are absolutely fine for your DD, don’t stress over that 😊 Focus on additions to her meal rather than changing the whole meal. It’s all about exposure to flavours 😊
Porridge for breakfast? Add raspberries, grated apple, cinnamon, banana, peanut butter - it’s all different for her but the same base 😊
Toast - mashed banana, raspberries, avocado, peanut butter, cream cheese etc

Chicken & veg for tea - different herbs and spices on the chicken, change up the veg, pasta/rice/potatos/sweet potatoes/egg noodles with it.

There’s so much you can do to make a samey meal a bit different for DD 😊

Do you have a freezer? Batch cooking is your best friend here. Cook a few meals and freeze them in tiny portions for DD. Chilli, curry, casseroles, fish pie filling etc. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just basic meals. You can take out one portion for DD and serve it with the veg etc you’re having with your chicken.

You could batch cooking things like egg muffins with various fillings. They can come out the freezer individually as you need them 😊 DD could have one alongside her soup to add another texture/flavour for her.

Your DD doesn’t need takeaways so don’t even consider that as an issue.

I think the best thing you can do for DD is just to model good mealtimes 😊 sit and eat together, no TVs etc.

I was raised with a very unhealthy relationship with food so the “junk food” issue really stressed me out with DS. I didn’t want food being labelled as good/bad/treats etc. I didn’t keep any unhealthy snacky type foods in the house and was worried about when I was faced with the issue out and about.
With DS (now almost 4) I went with “when he’s old enough to ask for it, he can try it” 🤷🏻‍♀️ I try to look at it as just allowing him to taste and experience new foods. He first tried chocolate this year 🤷🏻‍♀️ He had asked about Easter eggs in the supermarket and said he hoped to get one so I bought him a little one for Easter morning. He took a couple of bites and gave me it back. I put it in the cupboard and he never asked about it again. He’s asked for chocolate on maybe 2 occasions since 🤷🏻‍♀️😊 Same goes for juice - he asked to taste blackcurrant squash at a soft play once because he saw a boy with a cup so I got him one. He occasionally asks for it if we’re there but it’s not something we have in the house 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just let your DD lead & dont label the food as good/bad etc.

I will add on the snack front - be prepared for others to push you on the issue. Be confident in your choices and just own it. I got constant “he should be having a wee pack of milky buttons by now” or “oh the poor wee boy not even getting a wee juice! Does he not drink Fruit Shoots?!” 🙄😂
People will have opinions on everything you do as a parent so just let them 👍🏻😊 I still get it constantly because my child still rear faces in the car 😂 my child, my choice 😂

Just wanted to thank everyone who replied this thread. I've just done a weekly shop and have a fridge full of colourful veggies to cook with. I'm feeling motivated to make some positive changes. Really appreciate everyone's contribution. 👍

Best of luck op, it's hard to change lifetime habits.

My advice would be to keep perspective and not beat yourself up about slipping into past habits, as long as you both are getting the right nutrients that is, but working on a 2 week plan can be helpful, and you have already bought rainbow of vegetables (don't they look good in a fridge!)

An easy meal I made yesterday for anyone looking for inspiration was Spanish style pork belly

Brown cubed pork belly and add onion, leek, carrots, and soften, add garlic, potatoes and whatever other root veg you have (swede, parsnips, beet root or whatever) add stock, half can chopped tomatoes, some oregano and some paprika to taste and cook until everything is soft, about 50 minutes, adding some chopped kale 10 minutes before the end. Freezes well.

@Journeyintomelody sounds amazing 😊 I’m so glad that you’re feeling motivated! Don’t be disheartened if you don’t always have the same motivation every week or if some weeks are just busier than others - that’s what we keep a freezer stash for 😊
Pop back and let us know how you get on with things.

I'd search online for family meals or get a cookbook for ideas and then do a 4 week plan. Each week has the shopping list on it to make it easier. The biggest thing you can do is be relaxed when she is or isn't eating. Sounds like you are doing a great job with her and with your health xx

Trust me, there will be plenty of opportunities for her to eat this along the way. I wouldn't start buying it now, thats a good habit you are giving her x