Overwhelmed, exhausted, alone

[Glittercloud17]

Help! I’m really struggling with being a mum. My child is 8, it’s just the two of us (I am a 💯% single parent, biological dad & his family out of the picture) with everything. Homework, meals, housework, work, school, commutes, weekends, I am with my child. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with everything.

Last year I lost my last parent & family and friends helped me during those days but now I feel like I have used all avenues for support, and people don’t offer help anymore and I rarely ask as I owe them so much support & babysitting back. I have a brother who rarely offers help and support despite being surrounded by his wife’s big family, but says he is suffering after losing mum too.

Between my child and I, I feel the relationship that is developing is becoming fraught with tensions, and I am starting to feel resentful that I have to micromanage every aspect of her life. She wont do homework without me sitting next to her, she wont shower without me, or be in a different room doing a task without me being there reminding her to stay on point. It is a constant battle to get her to do anything. Yes there is some neurodivergence happening, but I just need her to do things independently so I can cook dinner.

I do spend time with her when she’s home from school, 15-20 mins quality time, chatting, doing crafts, or baking, but it’s never enough for her, and when it’s time to crack on with tasks, she still wants my focus & attention all the time.

I often end up shouting for her to crack on then massively get mum guilt.

I just wish I could afford a nanny to have her some of the time. Weekends are filled with dread when I know I will be mostly with her for 48 hours straight. I just need a rest.

How can I cope more? What do you (single) parents do when you’re having a bad day/month/year?

Ugh, I have a husband and babysitter and it is all still relentless shit. I am a slave basically. I hear you.

Are you getting a diagnosis for the neurodivergence ?

That sounds tough for you both and I'm sure you know your DD will be picking up on your feelings and this will make her anxious and create a need to be close to you all the time creating a vicious circle.

How about having an age appropriate 'grown up' chat with her? 'Now you're becoming a big girl we need to start working as a team' type of thing. I appreciate you'd rather outsource her care but that doesn't seem an option for you so you need a positive alternative.

Let go of the need to do everything - all those tasks, all that overwhelm. Nothing bad will happen if your house isn't pristine and you use frozen vegetables. But if you let your relationship with your DD deteriorate that will be sad and damaging for both of you.

So even if you need to plaster on a smile let ho of some of the tasks abd make her the priority even if that's less appealing than cleaning the kitchen. Get her involved in tidying up, preparing a simple dinner etc even though it's easier to do it yourself.

Homework - how about being in the same room and saying you have your 'homework' to do. Do some home admin or whatever. Mirror how to get on with a task.

Showering - could you have an outing to buy some nice shower gel and then make showering something pleasurable.

Weekends - are there any groups / activities you could both join? Get outside to the park, local cafe, walking, fresh air, Park Run? Cuddle up together and watch a film.

She'll be grown up before you know it and, as someone who went through something similar, I look back and wish I could have just calmed down and found joy in my child rather than being stressed and annoyed most if the time. Been more generous with cuddles and listening to my DC. In reality DC want very little - to feel safe, be heard and loved. I wish you well.

why is this important? Yes I have one. It makes little difference to my coping!

It's important because there may be help out there for you if you have a diagnosis of a particular condition.
I know it's hard when you are stressed, but it's a good idea to try not to be defensive, posters are trying to help.

My Response sounds defensive but it wasn’t intended to be. Just the way I said it in my head and wrote it.

she has a diagnosis but with an overwhelmed system, and minimal help available, nothing that helps me, the parent. I am the one who is pulling the strings at the school, at clubs, paying for private tutors, activities, kids clubs etc. It is endless.

It sounds so tough, are you able to spend time on yourself to mentally prepare when she's at school?

Everyday I do this 😜

How is she performing and functioning in school? I would be inclined to speak to her teacher and find out if she is able to do tasks at school without the constant reminding and prompting she's demanding from you.
It is also important to to remember that she has lost her grandparent and she could be afraid that she might lose you too - hence the need to have you close by at home.
Can she do homework in a place where she can physically see you cooking dinner or other household chores?

This sounds so hard. Could it be less about your Dd and more about struggling to cope with grief and then not having the capacity to deal with her? Can you access grief counselling - Cruse have a waiting list for free counselling?
This might sound counterintuitive but if you don’t work could you pick up some school hours work (I know this isn’t easy but for example shops often offer shorter shifts for seasonal workers) just for a change and so you could afford a babysitter for a part of the weekend? (Obviously check if it would affect any benefits first)

I also thought in your shoes I’d be finding her some structured acitivities like Saturday morning dance class or park run or art club or whatever the hell you can find. Something she can do independently of you that gives you an hour or two to yourself. Your brother sounds a bit crap tbh he could help you a bit more. Sorry for your loss; that’s very hard. As your dd grows she will become more independent. Maybe once a month you could book a fabulous hair appointment for you and dd and you could go and relax together? Look for small ways to relieve your load. X

I'm sorry you're feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed. Does she have any school friends that live nearby? Could you perhaps arrange a day a week where you have the friend over after school so they do their homework together (with your support if needed), and have some play time while you get chance to get tea made, and then the friends family return the favour one evening so you get an evening off? I appreciate it would need to be a good friend, but you never know if you ask they might jump at the chance as it could benefit both of you. It also sounds like you're doing a fair bit of running around with extra curricular stuff, I used to find it exhausting too, when mine were that age DH worked away all week so it was always just me, and my eldest is ASD so needed a lot of support for homework, so I hear you. Maybe cut out even just one extra curricular thing and do something 1-1 that's fun and relaxing for you both instead - watch a movie, go to the park, play a board game, read a book together, draw / paint/ craft together. Don't make it a chore, make it quality time but so the focus is on her, and afterwards say thanks you really enjoyed that activity but now can she help you out with something, dusting, or whatever she can do that she doesn't need supervision for and doesn't matter if she doesn't do an amazing job, but let feel appreciated and valued, if you can afford it could she earn a bit of pocket money for helping around the house? Drying pots, wiping down the dinner table, watering plants, putting her own laundry away, pairing socks, just small things? Or say 'let's get these chores done quickly together then we can go to the park / watch a movie'. If she doesn't engage then you run out of time for the activity and she misses out - she's old enough to understand that. Be kind to yourself too, it's difficult, you sound like a really great mum doing everything you can for her and she's lucky to have you. Remember to put yourself first, because as the only parent it's important you keep the essentials going and don't burn out. After all, what's the worst that can happen if she doesn't always do/finish her homework? Evaluate what is essential and don't stress if the rest doesn't always get done, say 'sod it' without guilt. I know I don't need to tell you that life's too short, quality time is so valuable, it's not a luxury although it often seems that way. Sending hugs x