How to help shy 5yo develop social skills and navigate primary friendships

[tamworthteapots]

My eldest DC is a five year old girl who has always been quite shy. We were worried when she started nursery but she quickly made friends with two girls.

Now we've shifted to primary school and she's struggling. The class is big and mostly boys. She's come home several days and told me that no one wants to play with her and it's breaking my heart.

What I can see from the morning queue is that she's a bit socially awkward -- sometimes she blanks kids who say hi to her, or she comes across as a bit intense (will get in another kid's face to say 'hi' and mug her face). She bosses kids around on play dates (and has a younger DB so she's used to dictating the rules of a game). She's quirky, introverted, artsy, bookish and funny, and I can tell she desperately wants a small group of close friends.

I asked her nursery and primary teachers if there were any concerns about additional needs and both said no. I read the criteria for autism and it doesn't sound like her, so I think she just is a lovely introvert, which is fine by me but I would like her to learn social skills to help her navigate school and life and be happy.

Any tips to help a worried mum?

If there are a couple of others that you can see might become friends given the chance, could you try to arrange a play date? I'd suggest organising something that has clear boundaries and rules so that you can gently be in charge of those bits to reduce the chance of your daughter trying to boss the other child around. If you can help her make a friendship outside of school time, this may replicate itself within school.

With all due respect she’s 5. You have no idea if she’s quiet / bookish / quirky and wants a small group of friends. In fact from how you’ve described her it’s more likely she’s an extrovert but hasn’t been taught how to manage her ‘powers’. DS is extroverted and can easily blank friends / get in their face when he’s nervous or unsure - what helps is arranging frequent 1-2-1 playdates with kids & afterschool classes with a ‘performance’ element to them to build confidence like theatre / dance / sports.

You need to teach her and practise. Lots of roleplay. Tell her why people don't like others too close, that she has a bubble around her and others have a bubble around them and most people don't like it if you go into their bubble.