Anxiety around coping with second baby

[koalabearboombox]

DS will be 4 when baby #2 arrives. DS arrival was like an atomic bomb going off in every aspect of my existence, and my relationship. It was very very fucking hard (as I'm sure is typical for many first time parents). He didn't sleep until 18m, me and my partner argued like CRAZY due to lack of sleep, returning to work was absolutely horrific, and DH went through awful work stress which made him sick for a number of months.

This past couple of years have brought life back to what it felt like it should be but I'm still carrying the scars from the first time, which is why it's taken us longer than expected to be ready for another.

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and dread for what this next baby will bring. I want to be realistic, and know there will be sleep deprivation, and relationship struggles, and returning to work will never be easy.

But can someone just reassure me that I can cope? That it won't destroy me the way it did first time around? I'm really scared particularly around ruining the nice life we now have with DS and exposing him to more stress and arguments. Be kind please 😣

4 years is a really great age gap in my opinion. I had that between DD1and DTwins. Much easier than the smaller gap I had next time round (3 years, so not exactly a tiny gap!). 4 year olds don't need you physically as much, so you can give them plenty of your attnetion while still feeding/carrying baby. And they are old enough to enjoy all the cute things babies do! That really melts your heart.

Yes, there will be challenges, as you already know. But it won't be a bomb going off like the first time. You have already made lots of adjustments to being a mum and you know what youre doing.

There will be tough days, the early stages of mobility I find very tough as you can't baby proof as effectively. But it will be far less of an adjustment than the first time round.

Your first sounds like how my second was as a baby. It was just horrendous and it has left a scar. My first was much, much easier. You'll probably have a much better experience second time around - it's very rare in my opinion to have more than one challenging baby. Siblings are often opposites! Try to keep positive, i literally don't know a single person who has had 2 really tough baby experiences. Good luck x

Thank you @TinyTeachr that's really reassuring. I am feeling really positive about this age gap and actually every time my DS talks about "his" baby it makes my heart melt ❤️

Thanks @bakewellbride I really hope you're right! He was an utterly shocking two year old as well but has been a piece of cake after 3. I would truly love an easier baby experience 🤞🏼

You know what to expect. They have to fit round everything and you won't worry as much.

Thanks for your reply. Another positive thing is that with a first your whole world changes but with the second you don't really have to deal with any of that. You know already what it's like to look after a baby, have limited free time etc. so there is no initial shock factor. You'll be ok trust me x

@JDob oh god yes and the not worrying as much! With our first my dh went batshit if the bath was 36.9 and not 37 degrees but our second's first weaning food was a biscuit. Much more relaxed second time around!

My dds are 4 years apart (almost to the day - I was in hospital and they wanted to induce dd2 3.5 weeks early on dd1's birthday, I could only get 3 days difference out of them!).

I had had severe PND and PTSD after dd1, she didn't sleep for nearly 3 years day or night, we were renovating houses and working, and I was on my knees with no local support (and a useless now-ex h!). Took ages for me to be able to even consider a second baby. Once dd2 was on her way, I spent the whole pg in tears, terrified it would be the same as before and I wouldn't cope. A midwife told me that "second babies can be very healing" and this was definitely the case for me.

Even before dd2 was born, because I had been so ill first time round the consultant insisted I had to start taking antidepressants again before he'd let me and dd2 out of hospital. (I didn't feel I needed them but didn't want to risk affecting dd1 if the same thing happened. Then had a massive hormone crash and was glad of them.)

Dd2 was such an easier baby/toddler. She had reflux like her sister but slept way better (still does - they're 20 and 16 now!), adored her big sister - it was mutual, dd1 had begged for a baby and all her friends had had siblings ages before we got round to it. Dd1 had had monumental tantrums for a year at least. Dd2 never had one. Took a deep breath and clenched her fists once, then visibly couldn't be bothered and never had another! (These days, dd1 is ND and can be emotionally hard work to parent sometimes. Dd2 is NT and WAY more obnoxious as a teen than her sister was!!)

All in all, second baby is nowhere near the bomb going off in your life, for a start. Plenty of positives, some logistical challenges of course, but second and subsequent babies fit into the family routine as they have to.

I've always been glad of the age gap and wouldn't change it. As they grew up there was no direct competition, both were happy enough to be the oldest/youngest one so celebrating individual achievements was fine as neither expected to be able to outdo the other. Still the same at different life stages now, chalk and cheese in terms of personality but generally get on pretty well. Deciding to have dd2 after so much trauma first time round remained the bravest thing I'd ever done in my life until she was 12. Then I trumped it by leaving their abusive father and striking out on our own. :)

Best of luck OP - enjoy it! X

My second was, in hindsight, a MUCH harder baby. But I coped so much better because you can just take it all in your stride. Not bothered about doing baby sign language and baby massage and baby horse riding and all the nonsense. You just get on with it.