Should I roll the ND dice again?

[Magiccarpetforsale]

Hi! I’m currently struggling with the idea of not having any more children and wondering if anyone had any advice.

High-functioning autism runs in both mine and my partners family. We have 2 children together. One DD who sees NT and one DS who may have high-functioning autism. He is only 3 so no diagnosis yet and most family members don’t seem to think he is autistic but both me and my partner feel he is. Or at least some type of ND as parenting him as been such a different experience to our DD.

I had always imagined having a big family, 4 children. Now I’m wondering whether it is foolish of me to try for another baby due to the risk of Autism. I see threads on here with violent children and parents having to quit their jobs to look after their children. We wouldn’t survive financially on one salary. Am I over thinking this? Will I regret not having a third due to a possibility? Any advice?

What are your reasons for having a third?

I love children and being a parent. I always imagined a busy home with lots of children. Having a gang to play together etc.

and are those reasons strong enough to override the possibility of you having a child that may need additional support/ take the income hit?

Don't have more children than you can handle at one time.

Wait until there is a bigger age gap so if there are additional needs you are more able to cope with them. You may find as you emerge from the Early Years bubble tha you don't actually want to return once your children become more independent and you get your life back a little.

Hey 👋 autism runs in my family, i have a little brother who is autistic, a nephew who is autistic, my dd 14 is autistic, i also have a 12ds and twins- dd&ds 9, ds twin is also autistic, and a 9 month old, my dd14 is high functioning, in high school and for the most part “normal” (although she has her moments when the “mask slips”) my ds9 is non verbal, cognitive delay and attends a special school, so they are at either end of the spectrum, i still went on to have my 9 month old, the way i see it autism or no, they are who they are, you could have a “normal” child and still have that child be aggressive, every child is a roll of the dice, they are all different xx

Everyone who is thinking about having a child needs to consider the possibility that the child may end up having time-consuming needs. It’s not a risk limited to ND families.

If your finance or time budgets only work if your potential child is healthy, whether it is your first child or your fifth, it probably isn’t wise to proceed.

It’s such a risk - if you have got the genetics - you have been fortunate to have a child that is at the higher end of functioning - it does happen as a op has said you can have one child high functioning and the next can be non verbal and very high needs

Now whilst I have no doubt you would love and adore any of your children please understand there is very little help and support available health wise and education wise for high needs children. Even less than that for those who care for high needs children too.

It’s awful really - it’s like a roll of the dice. I’d only do it if I knew I’d be prepared to and able to cope with a very high needs child

fingers crossed for you thst all works out in the end

To be honest its the high functioning autism that is the hardest to deal with, my dd14 knows she is different, felt lonely from struggling to make friends, knows she struggles academically, my ds9 is generally happy and content in his own world, physically he is more challenging as he can’t dress himself/bathe himself/wipe his own butt etc but i would much rather deal with that than my dds heartbreaking emotional issues xx

Honestly, I wouldn't have a third in your situation.

It's not because I couldn't parent a child with autism well although how could I possibly know.

It's because I see the struggles that kids and their families face in the education system particularly and with health and social care. A lot of the difficulties come from unmet needs and it's a constant battle for most, even if you can throw lots of money at the barriers.

It's exhausting and relentless and knowing that really worries me.

Such a great post!

My dd feels the same. Ds is in his own world and content

Autism and ADHD run strongly in my family too. I have what you have with my two and feel lucky so far, my wider family have much bigger challenges. I don't think I could role the dice again.