Struggling with parent preference

[boymum1989]

My husband is really struggling with my 4 year old, who has a strong preference for me. Wants me to do everything for him/with him. It’s always been this way, but has come to a head the last month or so - I think it’s coinciding with starting Reception and a huge transition and my husband is sympathetic of this BUT is finding it really difficult.

I’ve suggested they have a bit more 1:1 time, doesn’t have to be anything big but just that focused time, which I know my son really values and is definitely his ‘love language’. My husband is feeing particularly sensitive and has taken this that I’m saying he needs to be a ‘better parent’.

All come to a head with my 4yo having a huge meltdown over wanting me to put him to bed. I don’t know how to best support my husband while also trying to take some of my son’s focus on me. Help!

Your DH needs to get over himself, and you need to explain again in words of one syllable if necessary, that all you are saying is that he needs more 1-2-1 time with DS, and that's exactly what you mean. No coded/hidden messages.

And then you need to go out at bedtime so he and DS have to sort it out between the two of them. Go for a run, join a gym and go to a class, go for a walk, or just take a book to a coffee shop.

Of course you will need to accept that DH might do things differently to the way you do. And that in the longer run, that doesn't matter at all.

I was about to post exactly this.

Basically, hold the boundary about the parent doing things, 'yes I know you want Mummy to do it, but it's daddy's turn tonight, what story do you think you want?'. It can be really hard to listen to which is why it's often better not to be there if possible.

We do already do this taking turns with bedtime and had been working well up until starting school, it’s definitely worse when he’s feeling unsettled. We are fine with the logistics and he does plenty with my son in the day to day (pickups, dinner etc). We spend the weekend all as a family but I probably default to spending time with kids while husband does cooking etc. and that’s where I think he’d do well to take him out the house just the two of them.

He needs to not take it personally…but easier said than done!

Mine are older teens now but they've both gone through phases like this several times even as teens - dh and I have laughed it off over the years - ah so now it's your turn to be favourite parent - great I'll sit here with my feet up for a bit until they decide it's my turn again! Dh needs to get over himself.