My 18 year old daughter

[Secondtimemum24]

So my 18 year old lives at home she’s just started uni - not necessarily because it’s something she wanted to do but because she didn’t know what else to do so she settled for an unconditional offer to a course, and she has a part time job.
shes quite open with me like talked to me about when she lots her virginity etc … she has been a couple of “relationships” where in my opinion they’ve not been good enough she’s driven them wherever they wanna go picked them up after they’ve been out, not gone on “dates” just chilled at theirs … I’ve had a chat and she gets quite defensive which it’s her life I’m just trying to help her see maybe… her relationship with her dad is rubbish she sees him occasionally but she lost respect for him as she got older and saw who he was as a father and how much involvement he chose to have and shes never been able to opening talk about her feelings with him… my concern is she’s lost her way a bit… we’ve had lots of discussions about what she does want to do in her life as my opinion is she has the world at her feet right now … I had her at 17 … and now she’s started to see another boy (this has got to be the 4th in a year) and it started off ok they went for drinks a couple of times now she’s started to go to his house he lives with his parents … I know she’s had sex mothers instinct .. and everytime she says she’s going out with him it ends up not happening unless it’s to his house .. I’m so scared she’s gonna end up pregnant she’s not on contraception I’ve told her to get the implant or coil … she just seems to be so flippant with everything … am I being paranoid or too much ????

You are far too invested in her life. She is an adult - let her be one.

Is this a reverse? Does anyone with an adult child type 'wanna' ?

She is only 18 and finding her way. She hasn’t lost a way she never had. I think you are projecting your fears on her of young motherhood. I think perhaps you were made to feel ashamed and bad for having her at 17 and are trying to protect her from that. But there is a risk that the path you see for her is really your path that was put off…..

I would relax, she will find her way and think about your path and what you want to do because you have a future too.

I didn’t realise I’d wrote that but I am only 36 I’m not too old to say wanna

Ok, sorry for the side eye... It wouldn't be the first.

Anyway, you sound like a caring mum and I'm sure she knows your advice is coming from a good place.

It does sound like her bf is slow to want to do fun stuff together that isn't 'home based', which is hardly a mums dream... But to be honest, this is the age you make your mistakes and learn from them. It would be better if you just... Knew a bit less in a way .. as a young adult you need to keep hearing the wise advice but make your own mistakes in private almost, to save face.
Hopefully she'll at least avoid pregnancy and eventually realise whether what she's got is what she wants.

Keep encouraging her to keep her horizons wide and explore what the world has to offer, make contraception a must and try to give without knowing an the nitty gritty.

I dread to think what my mum would have thought if she knew half of what I got up to. It's part of growing up (terrifying though).

I agree, she is 18 and finding her way.
Draw attention to good role models when you can, without it being too clunky... Young women who are carving an interesting life for themselves.

Your dd isn’t doing anything abnormal and having sex with the lad she’s dating is normal. If she’s crazy mad about him, maybe all she doesn’t want to go out with him, maybe she just wants to be at his house. And that’s ok. She’s a young adult.

To be honest contraception was something I was really really strict with with my daughter and my son. Having a child really early is a massively life changing experience and one I didn't think they were ready for.

I would talk to her really seriously and say come on let's go and get that implant and do it as soon as possible. I would point out the fact she wouldn't see her boyfriend for dust if she was pregnant. I would remind her of all the things she wants to do with her life but she just won't be able to do if she's pregnant and on her own. She can't rely on him or any other boy to use condoms but she get herself sorted out regarding pregnancy at least.

Does she have a female friends or hobbies? Are you part of a larger society of other female role models? Might give her different aspirations?

most people end up doing similar things to their parents… probably unconscious.

Young women who are carving an interesting life for themselves.

Really?

See Andrew Tate.

Utterly chilling.

That is true! At 18 I was doing much wilder things. Teens tend to do the opposite of what parents tell them so I would not go in all pregancy will ruin your life heavy on her. Especially since that might be heard by her as you implying having her ruined your life! Given you were 17 when you had her.

Hanging out at a boyfriends home isn’t a bad thing,

Shes not riding around on the back of a different bloke’s motorcycle going to illegal raves and military posts for drinking contests like I was on an average weekend.

Keep encouraging her to keep her horizons wide and explore what the world has to offer, make contraception a must and try to give without knowing an the nitty gritty.

Great advice.
OP, your post seems to suggest that she isn't doing much in her life other than looking for a boyfriend?
What about activities, hobbies, interests, going out with friends (old friends and friends from her new student life), trying new things, living a little ?
That's what I'd be encouraging her to embrace whilst she has the world at her feet.

Wut.

What does finding some good female role models to inspire have to do with Andrew Tate?

I don’t think you’re over invested in her life, just a mum wanting the best.
definitely get the contraception sorted out.

I know it’s frustrating that they have no motivation or drive at that age. My 19 yo DS is the same. Working nights at Tesco and going to uni next year in the absence of any better idea!

But you have to let them find their own way, with work, relationships, friendships…

The only thing I would be strict about is contraception. That’s a mistake nobody needs to make. I’d be inclined to insist she make an appointment at the sexual health clinic (quicker than GP) and offer to drive her there, even if you have to wait outside in the car,

Huh?!

I would be concerned she's spending too much time focusing on boys/relationships (and maybe not the best kind if it seems to be all about sex and what the boy wants rather than mutual interests etc). Does she have female friends to hang out and have fun with? She does have the world at her feet snd now is the time to enjoy uni, have fun, travel and have new experiences. Just waiting around at boys houses sounds very dull.