Sibling rivalry and bullying

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I’m really struggling with my 14-year-old son and would appreciate any advice. I have three children: DS 14, DS 11, and DD 7. My biggest concern is my eldest son’s behavior, which is causing a lot of stress and tension in our home. He and my 11-year-old son are constantly fighting, to the point where they often hit each other hard enough to cause minor injuries. They throw things at each other, chase each other around the house, and just seem to be at each other’s throats all the time.

My eldest can be very self-centered and jealous, even though, growing up, he received the most attention from us and extended family. Both boys have additional needs: my eldest has high-functioning ASD (he’s very bright academically), and my 11-year-old has mild ADHD and dyslexia (he struggles a bit more in school).

But my eldest son’s behavior can only be described as bullying on a daily basis. He hits his siblings for no reason, takes food from their plates and licks it, farts in their faces while they’re watching TV, twists their arms, and even pees in the bath whilst they’re showering. He finds it funny and is difficult to stop him or control his behavior.

We’ve tried so many different approaches—being firm and taking no bullshit from him, giving him consequences such as taking away his PlayStation, talking to him and explaining his behavior is out of order and needs to change and we also tried being understanding, thinking he might be releasing tension and frustration build-up from school at home—but nothing seems to work. At the same time, I feel a responsibility to protect my younger children from his borderline violent behavior and just don’t know if I am capable of doing this without causing a huge rift in my relationship with him. I’m at a loss for how to handle this situation. Any suggestions or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

My boys are the same, not quite as bad but they fight constantly! I do hope things work themselves out! I think alot is boys being boys unfortunately

Is there any SEN support he could get? The school SENCo may be able to make a referral or link you to services that support families to support behaviour at home.

I think it’s an age gap thing. My girls are the same. Eldest autistic too. She’s better now but when younger she used to get very physical. Less physical not but very verbal. They argue like cat and dog. She likes to go in younger one’s room and annoy her now and again. Usually when she’s bored. Sanctions don’t work, never have. Same with rewards. I just have to keep away from triggers and make sure they’re both kept busy. It’s been easier since youngest started secondary and has a wider social circle to go out and meet now.

I grew up with a sibling bullying me. Yes I hold resentment for him but my resentment for my parents is stronger. Brother has turned out selfish nasty man as a product of that childhood.

I have a challenging autistic child and I will bend over backwards to support him but when he's bullying his siblings I come down very firm in him. I will not abide it. Even if the bullying child is struggling that doesn't give them the right to make everyone else struggle. I installed a fingerprint lock on the non bullying child's room. I take the non bullying child on outings alone and will say it's because I don't want it ruined for them. Then when bullying child is kind/considerate/just not bullying I pour on the praise and they get a special one on one outing. It's been really hard for me because I've had to watch and monitor and try distract before it gets to the bullying (if I hadn't don't this it never would stop!) eventually this gave long enough periods of time I could reward the bully.

Also for the punishments if I took something like the iPad I would not return it until they had been good for a few days. I also noticed a correlation with screens and nasty behaviour and told my child if ban screens permanent is this pattern continue.

People have told me I'm harsh. And I've had problems where he's having excuses made for him "because he's autistic" when I would prefer he's pulled up on his behaviour. Absolutely he needs support because he's autistic but when he's not tried to communicate he's struggling/not walked away and he's physically hurt others I don't care what his diagnosis is. One day he will be an adult and this behaviour cannot happen then. One day his sibling ls will be able to choose if they have a relationship with him and if he's bullied them all their life they will reject him. And once I'm gone who is going to care for him?!

Been a very hard time. He still had major struggles and challenges. Still needs high amount of support an care. But he's not violent to his siblings. When he is it's because he's snapped and I can see he's immediately guilty and regrets it in which case I won't punish him because he tried his best and that's all I can ask. He's a lovely little lad now. And because I continue to reward each child with special one on one time we have all benefited from that.

So my advice would be distract BEFORE bullying happens keep him busy and entertained so you can reward the 'good' behaviour. Keep coming down hard on the 'bad'. And prepare yourself for a lot of hard work on your part. Look at what's happening in the lead up to incidents maybe there is a pattern and you can tweak things so the bullying circumstances don't happen. But you have to do something if you want the bullied child to want a relationship with you as an adult.

As difficult as it is, you need to send a clear message to both boys that you will always side with the one being bullied.
And please be careful not to victim-blame your youngest son, as in reproaching him to not have avoided the situation. He shouldn’t have to.

Thanks everyone for sharing your insightful perspectives and experiences. The being bored is definitely a pattern I noticed too, which actually makes me think the bullying happening due to that is an even worse type of bullying. Like on the days when all 3 children come home from school at the same time, it tends to trigger. In a way, the youngest are being treated as toys/objects by the eldest one in order to pass the time. But I cannot reason with how I can be the one responsible for constantly entertaining a 14-year old so they are not bored. I am not even around when half of those behaviors are happening due to work. It’s often either the grandmother or the aupair that witness these episodes but are often helpless and find it difficult to intervene as the boys tend to get very physical between themselves. Even if I am around there’s usually very little I can do to get them to stop once they start. Especially as the eldest one just won’t stop.

They need unwind time after school. Could you leave a sandwich and drink in each of their rooms so that is where the chill, watch screens when they get in and avoid each other ,better would be walk outside I. Woods or fresh air for half on hour -can you borrow a dog for one of them, a run round the park but need someone to take them