Reception playground drama, how much is too much?

[SecretHappiness]

DD(4) has been in reception for just over a month and she’s already mentioned a few incidents at playtime: being called names, her plaits pulled, toys snatched, being excluded from games, bigger kids talking about her and her not liking it.

I’ve been sympathetic, asking her questions about how she feels, what happened next and giving her lots of cuddles. She’s not too emotional when talking about it, mostly matter-of-fact, sometimes annoyed.

A lot of it sounds like typical (though not ideal) playground behaviour, but it’s starting to niggle at me. It feels like I’m hearing about it quite often, though maybe it’s because everything is new, and some stories might be repeated (everything from the past is ‘yesterday’ to her).

She did go to preschool part-time, but this is a bigger transition, especially with a sibling on the way (I’m 20 wks pregnant). She’s also among the youngest in her class (summer-born), so there’s an emotional gap compared to some older kids. Still, she’s articulate and confident, so it can be easy to overlook the fact she’s relatively quite young.

I’m not sure if this is all normal and we’re giving it too much attention or something to keep an eye on. DP is protective and wants to speak to the teachers, but I’m hesitant, we can’t go to them every time she’s called a ‘baby’ or a ‘poo poo head’!

What’s the best approach here?

I would go in to the school and speak to her teacher about it. I don’t think it should be seen as normal and okay for children to call other children names and pick on them. Definitely speak to her teacher.

It's hard to know when they are so young. I've got 2 in primary school and to be honest they tend to tell you about a 30 second injustice and forget to tell you that 5 minutes later they were all playing together again. More of a warning sign would be that you hear the same name over and over again, that they are standing alone all the time, never seem to make a particular friend or they are withdrawn and unhappy at home.
And when it's your first child being called poo poo head seems terrible....but when you've got a sibling you might find you are called poo poo head or get a thump or your plait pulled and it might all happen in the course of an afternoon at home!!
I remember being horrified that a bigger girl told my first child that her colouring was like scribbling ... Now I look back and laugh because it's exactly what she said to her little brother at a certain age!

When my DS was that sort of age, I found that a quick word with the TAs worked better than speaking to the teacher about (hopefully) minor things, as they seemed to know more about the ins and outs of the children's friendships and playground politics. It's hopefully just normal settling-in stuff, but it's definitely worth mentioning just so that they're aware and can keep an eye on things.

Thank you for your input.
Perhaps @spiderlight you’re right and a simple ‘just wondering if you noticed anything’ chat with the TA to shine a light on it might help.

I do agree with you @TheBrightBear that it feels so hard to know at this age. And the focus on the 30sec injustice but failing to tell you that they were bezzy mates thereafter. She’s done that sort of thing with DP and I before! Hence I don’t want to go all guns blazing.

And yeah siblings can be so much more scathing with each other 😅

Thanks for the signs to look out for. At the moment she is more emotional than usual but not withdrawn or anything like that so I’m thinking that’s mostly down to adjustment.

My initial plan was to ride it out for now and see what she’s like after half term.

If she doesn’t seem upset about it, I would keep an eye on it but leave it be for now. My dd is 5 and started school this year and when she tells me stuff like this, I say oh, that wasn’t very nice! and ask her more about it and remind her to tell a teacher if she needs to. I don’t like making too big a thing out of it because they have to build up a thick skin for this stuff. Always ask about the kids names in case the same name keeps popping up, just in case you do need to do something down the line.

I was inclined to keep an eye out until next week, keep a better track on who/what and then approach the TA.
But DD just came home telling us about a new incident today (last one was just yesterday where she said her plaits were pulled) and today it was the same kid spitting in her face!

Again she wasn’t emotional about it when she told us just matter of fact, but spitting just feels like a bit of an escalation from a kid that now has been mentioned a few times.

From what she told us she did stand up for herself and the teacher saw/ and moved the kid away but as much as I was trying to keep perspective I don’t like this at all.

Oh fuck that, I’d get on to her teacher now in that case. Spitting is horrible behaviour. You don’t want her thinking she has to put up with that. That’s over the line.

I would speak to her teacher. My DS is almost 4 and we've been in twice about 2 separate incidents. They didn't do much but just say they will keep an eye on it. Like you say it's probably playground drama but for peace of mind speak to her teacher.

How awful for your daughter 😩 I don’t have many memories from maybe under the age of 6/7 but I have one vivid memory of being in nursery or reception and one kid every playtime pushing me over constantly and even ramming in to the back of my legs when in one of those little tikes red and yellow cars. I’m 33 and it can stick with you no matter how young you are and it’s awful! Definitely go in and speak to her teacher and I hope it gets sorted asap for her!

Just go to the teacher. I always go with "can I ask your advice" as it shows they are the responsible adult and say what you are concerned and say may I check in with you tomorrow?

It's not precious to be concerned about spitting and plait pulling.

So many worries can be reduced by going to the teacher to check if there is anything g to worry about or if there is anything a parent might do to help the child.

Sometimes kids are mean and it's part of life, sometimes kids are mean beyond what the natural rough and tumble of school. Most of my kids teachers over the years know the difference and they very often know which kids are capable of being nasty as hell.

I totally agree that spitting is horrible behaviour but bear in mind that a lot of kids spit accidentally when talking. It might worth checking in with her if they were spitting or spitting.
Try rehearsing with her what she can do when a problem occurs - “Stop pulling my plaits, I don’t like it” is often enough to stop another another child and make them think. Then talk about how if it carries on, she needs to tell an adult.

I have to be honest, when my two were little I found it very very painful to deal with their struggles at school. My ds is a gentle soul and got picked on quite a few times and i found that almost unbearable but I knew to hide that and be supportive with strategies.

As another poster said, parents only get a slice of the view and it is often quite different when you hear the whole story.

My sister was kind but she did tell me again and again over the years that kids need a bit of toughening up to cope with life and I believed her but I also found it extremely tough on me, (!) emotionally.

But I may be particularly neurotic.

I'm now much tougher when they suffer, but it's taken a long time.