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Original poster

Sons father sees him for 24hrs every 2 weeks

20 replies

Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:06

Hi,

I need a little bit of advice if possible.

My sons father currently sees him every other week from Friday 5pm - Saturday 4pm per his request.
He is very often late by minimum of 1hr 30 minutes on both occasions, it's frequent and highly annoying.
There is 0 communication since he got with his now fiancee 3 years ago, if I do call I am met with abuse from him and his Fiancee, if I try to speak about parenting arrangements or something my son tells me happened and I'm doing a check up to make sure things are safe and okay, I am met with abuse.

This in turn has taken a mental toll on me for the last 6 years and I'm at a point where I'm struggling to even open the door to my sons Grandad to do handover as the whole family is narcissistic.
My son wasn't happy for awhile, he didnt want to go and always homes home covered in dog fur (I'm severely allergic) clothes stained or ripped and have only eaten junk food.

He cancels often because of his finacee "not being in the right mental state to look after a child" that isn't hers and has lost custody of 2 children of her own (I have rang social services and she isn't allowed unsupervised contact with my son) .
This goes as far as when my son is in hospital and I text him to let him know I am met with "I was in hospital with my fiancee I don't have the time"

With my son being upset at not getting enough time with his father I tried to extend an olive branch and suggest more time with our son, this led to him spewing verbal abuse down the phone stating that I'm calling him a bad dad and trying to push his Mrs out of the way. Which couldn't be further from the truth, I hate that man, she can keep him and they can both be miserable together.

He doesn't support our son in any kind of way and his family are a nightmare, the most recent teachings from them led me to trying to get my son to stop speaking about cannabilism. God sake.

Currently the arrangement is they have our son at his Grandparents (dad's side) home for 24hrs every 2 weeks as the flat they live in was deemed unfit and unsafe.

Am I in the wrong for asking for more contact for my son, what would you do in this situation? I can't even communicate with him without her putting her 50p in, I'm always on loud speaker and I'm treated as if im a criminal.

Just for reference, I am 25f, he is 25M and the fiancee is 30F.

Sorry this is so long. It has been troubling me for some time. Thank you if you read this far ahead.

OP posts:
OtterOnAPlane · 08/10/2024 07:10

Yes, you're in the wrong to ask for more contact.

Because he is a shit, possibly to the point of neglectful, father and being there seems to harm your son.

It sucks that you need to take on more responsibility, but for your son's sake I think you need to.

heldinadream · 08/10/2024 07:10

Why would you want your son to have more contact?
If your description of the family is accurate, I would have thought no contact would be a better outcome for your son.
Is the dad on the bc?

Doingmybest12 · 08/10/2024 07:10

I'd be trying to distance myself and my son from that set up.

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Families
Starfish1021 · 08/10/2024 07:14

Yes you are being unreasonable. I do understand that you want to do the best for your son. But clearly that is as limited contact as possible. These two need to be as far away from your child as is humanly possible. Sounds horrendous for you so try and take care of yourself.

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:15

OtterOnAPlane · 08/10/2024 07:10

Yes, you're in the wrong to ask for more contact.

Because he is a shit, possibly to the point of neglectful, father and being there seems to harm your son.

It sucks that you need to take on more responsibility, but for your son's sake I think you need to.

I don't mind taking the responsibility, I don't want him to have contact if I am honest. It is my son crying every other weekend saying he wants to see him more. I did stop contact for 2 months and my son was ultimately better off for it, behaviour was better, he was more regulated and wasn't upset all of the time. It only started again as he saw his dad in town and my son wanted to see him again, when that happened he came home crying saying I'm the reason he couldn't see Daddy. Is this really for the best? I don't want to hurt him but at the same time, I don't want my son to have relationship issues in the future due to absent father

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 08/10/2024 07:15

Surely you don't want him to be with his father in that neglectful situation any longer than he has to be? As a retired SW I would say the risks to your DS are very high and I would be seeking to stop all contact if possible. At the very minimum stop the overnights and just let his DF see him during the Saturday.

Igmum · 08/10/2024 07:16

Please don't ask for more contact. These are toxic people and the fiancée is not considered safe around her own children - that's a pretty high bar. Just enjoy your own time with your DS and thank heavens this is only one day a fortnight.

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:17

ApolloandDaphne · 08/10/2024 07:15

Surely you don't want him to be with his father in that neglectful situation any longer than he has to be? As a retired SW I would say the risks to your DS are very high and I would be seeking to stop all contact if possible. At the very minimum stop the overnights and just let his DF see him during the Saturday.

Absolutely I don't want him to, it's more what he's asking. I will take this advice on board and run with it I think. Thank you for your reply. SW have been involved before as I have rang them myself before numerous times to get logs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:17

heldinadream · 08/10/2024 07:10

Why would you want your son to have more contact?
If your description of the family is accurate, I would have thought no contact would be a better outcome for your son.
Is the dad on the bc?

Hi, yes he is on the BC unfortunately. I don't want more contact, it is my son that does

OP posts:
SwanSong1 · 08/10/2024 07:18

Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:06

Hi,

I need a little bit of advice if possible.

My sons father currently sees him every other week from Friday 5pm - Saturday 4pm per his request.
He is very often late by minimum of 1hr 30 minutes on both occasions, it's frequent and highly annoying.
There is 0 communication since he got with his now fiancee 3 years ago, if I do call I am met with abuse from him and his Fiancee, if I try to speak about parenting arrangements or something my son tells me happened and I'm doing a check up to make sure things are safe and okay, I am met with abuse.

This in turn has taken a mental toll on me for the last 6 years and I'm at a point where I'm struggling to even open the door to my sons Grandad to do handover as the whole family is narcissistic.
My son wasn't happy for awhile, he didnt want to go and always homes home covered in dog fur (I'm severely allergic) clothes stained or ripped and have only eaten junk food.

He cancels often because of his finacee "not being in the right mental state to look after a child" that isn't hers and has lost custody of 2 children of her own (I have rang social services and she isn't allowed unsupervised contact with my son) .
This goes as far as when my son is in hospital and I text him to let him know I am met with "I was in hospital with my fiancee I don't have the time"

With my son being upset at not getting enough time with his father I tried to extend an olive branch and suggest more time with our son, this led to him spewing verbal abuse down the phone stating that I'm calling him a bad dad and trying to push his Mrs out of the way. Which couldn't be further from the truth, I hate that man, she can keep him and they can both be miserable together.

He doesn't support our son in any kind of way and his family are a nightmare, the most recent teachings from them led me to trying to get my son to stop speaking about cannabilism. God sake.

Currently the arrangement is they have our son at his Grandparents (dad's side) home for 24hrs every 2 weeks as the flat they live in was deemed unfit and unsafe.

Am I in the wrong for asking for more contact for my son, what would you do in this situation? I can't even communicate with him without her putting her 50p in, I'm always on loud speaker and I'm treated as if im a criminal.

Just for reference, I am 25f, he is 25M and the fiancee is 30F.

Sorry this is so long. It has been troubling me for some time. Thank you if you read this far ahead.

Stop engaging with him, stop just stop. If your son does not want to go then listen to him. If your ex is so concerned he can take you to court, and at least you will have the opportunity to tell them all of this, and put your side across.

I certainly would not be sending your son there what's so ever.

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:18

Igmum · 08/10/2024 07:16

Please don't ask for more contact. These are toxic people and the fiancée is not considered safe around her own children - that's a pretty high bar. Just enjoy your own time with your DS and thank heavens this is only one day a fortnight.

Thank you for your reply! I will cease to ask for more contact. It is only because my son asked. But seems everyone else here agrees with me and I don't feel so awful for feeling that way anymore. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:19

Starfish1021 · 08/10/2024 07:14

Yes you are being unreasonable. I do understand that you want to do the best for your son. But clearly that is as limited contact as possible. These two need to be as far away from your child as is humanly possible. Sounds horrendous for you so try and take care of yourself.

Thank you for your reply!

OP posts:
Edingril · 08/10/2024 07:20

So he seems a terrible person, you knew that when you had a child with him now you want to force him on the child?

No? Why on earth do you want more contact with someone like this?

Will someone put the child first?

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:21

SwanSong1 · 08/10/2024 07:18

Stop engaging with him, stop just stop. If your son does not want to go then listen to him. If your ex is so concerned he can take you to court, and at least you will have the opportunity to tell them all of this, and put your side across.

I certainly would not be sending your son there what's so ever.

Show quote history

Hi, my son didn't want to go at first when this woman came in. Now he's recently been asking for contact and crying because he doesn't see him enough. I think everyone has a point by just cutting it out completely. It would hurt less for him

OP posts:
ahemfem · 08/10/2024 07:22

I don't think it would benefit your son to have MORE contact. I'd even push for supervised contact at a contact centre.

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 08/10/2024 07:23

Sometimes being a parent is about making the right choice even if that's unpopular with your child. On a lesser scale it's like the times you say no to a biscuit 10min before tea, when they want to go out on the big slide at the park. They don't understand the concept of risk when young just that they want it.

Your child will be more impacted from being exposed to what you describe more frequently than having the current level of contact.

It's hard when you see them upset but you know what is right and best for him

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:26

Edingril · 08/10/2024 07:20

So he seems a terrible person, you knew that when you had a child with him now you want to force him on the child?

No? Why on earth do you want more contact with someone like this?

Will someone put the child first?

Hi my love, I didn't know that when I had a child with him. I was 18 at the time, it was an unexpected pregnancy and we were very much in our party college phase of life but we were together for 5 years. He wasn't a horrible man until after I gave birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:30

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 08/10/2024 07:23

Sometimes being a parent is about making the right choice even if that's unpopular with your child. On a lesser scale it's like the times you say no to a biscuit 10min before tea, when they want to go out on the big slide at the park. They don't understand the concept of risk when young just that they want it.

Your child will be more impacted from being exposed to what you describe more frequently than having the current level of contact.

It's hard when you see them upset but you know what is right and best for him

Thank you for your kind reply, genuinely.

I didn't realise that this was so wrong and thought I'd be more in the wrong for taking son away. Surprisingly I have been met with support of somewhat, although I do understand the other parents that have commented and are angry at me with every right to be.

I will cease contact going forward, I will send the message today.

Thank you.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 08/10/2024 07:34

What a difficult situation. Personally (and I have a lot of personal experience around the complexities of contact) I don't think I would be encouraging any contact at all. It doesn't sound like this is a good, safe situation for your little lad.

Best wishes x

Original poster
Magicmoose24 · 08/10/2024 07:39

familyissues12345 · 08/10/2024 07:34

What a difficult situation. Personally (and I have a lot of personal experience around the complexities of contact) I don't think I would be encouraging any contact at all. It doesn't sound like this is a good, safe situation for your little lad.

Best wishes x

Thank you for your reply lovely x

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