What would you say is reasonable?

[Newlysinglemum1]

I'm about to move 2 hrs away with ds (2) after the relationship with his dad broke down and I was made aware of safeguarding concerns relating to his dad. At present ds has no contact with his dad and police and ss are involved but neither are giving me any real guidance.

At the moment I've been facilitating contact with my pil weekly. They would like more than weekly but my life is very busy and that would put me under a lot of pressure and they would have seen ds once maybe twice a month before everything stbxh had been doing came to light. I'm wondering what regularity of contact to suggest for when we move? I'll be working full time and lone parenting so I don't want to give up a full day every weekend to accommodate this as I also want to have quality time with ds, plus I know with a new job and a toddler I'll be exhausted. Due to the nature of the concerns around stbxh I just don't feel comfortable letting pil (or really anyone bar my own parents) take him out alone at the moment so I need to be there during the contact. I make a lot of effort with them to keep things as normal as possible as we previously got on really well but seeing them gives me a lot of anxiety (stbxh is now living with them and they are in very different headspaces to me regards what's happening so I always feel a little on edge around them now).

When I drive the 2hrs at the moment to see my family it wrecks ds's routine regards sleep for a few days after because he sleeps in the car which means extra naps he wouldn't otherwise have and then I struggle because when he's asleep at night is when I get things done and have time to myself to shower or eat etc so I really don't want to be making the journey to them often as awful as that sounds. I want to facilitate what I can but I also need to survive. It sounds awful but I don't particularly want them having my new address because I don't want stbxh getting it either which is probably over cautious but this is all very new and I want to feel safer in my new home than I do at present.

What do people think is a fair suggestion regarding contact?

Are they able to meet you somewhere in the middle? If they can I’d consider monthly visits if not I’d meet every few months.

Once a month max.
try and get them to come to you. Even though it means hosting, at least everything else is under your control, and if you go to them, you have no guarantee that your ex will be out of the house.

My friend had similar, PIL never really accepted what their son had done, so she always had to be present for contact. He went to jail and she still maintained supervised contact with PIL, but did allow unsupvised contact with her SIL and their kids.
It was not easy to maintain that, but it was good for her kids in the long run.

Once a month, and they should come to you at least every second month. They can help facilitate as well.

sorry missed the line about address.
SS have contact centres, you could ask of you can book a centre away from your house and meet them there

I'm not sure this is really necessary, there's no immediate risk I'm aware of but I guess I just don't want to go through the entire move for it to become unsafe in the future if things sour. We can go to soft play or the park etc I'm also aware I don't want to make them feel unfairly treated as they haven't actually done anything wrong. They know their son did an awful thing I guess I'm just aware it's maybe a lot for them to fully process in terms of risk. My main concern is if stbxh took ds I would need to apply to court and ss to try and get him back and I would never ever want to allow the tiniest risk of that

MIL lives about an hour away and we see her every 6-8 weeks. Realistically, if they want to maintain a relationship with him and they are physically well, they need to be travelling to see you more than the other way around. I think once a month is very generous. Once every other month is probably more realistic long term.

Don't start with a routine or you'll feel cornered into keeping it.

When you move, say that you're going to need a few months of no travelling to give your DC time to adjust and for you to settle into your new home and area etc.

That way the bar is set low. If you find yourself with time and energy and wish to meet them half way, give them that opportunity, but don't start by saying "we'll visit once a month or whatever" as then you'll be made out to be the bad person if for any reason you can't stick to it.

In short, your life is about to get very difficult. A working parent, raising a child by themselves has a lot of demands on their time and you are going to want to make new connections and friends in the area you're moving to, as well as need a bit of downtime when you can grab it.

In short, under-commit your time and offer more time if you feel able.

this is great advice

Thanks that is good advice. I also worry that it may become more difficult/ less sustainable/ more emotive as things progress with the divorce and the investigation into stbxh... I can imagine there will be some very difficult points ahead for me mentally and also for them so I want to know it's manageable. They've also cried a number of times during visits now and while I really do understand and I have lots of sympathy for them and I know it's hard for them, I really don't want ds exposed to that and it makes it harder for me as well because I'm working extra hard then to navigate all the feels when I'm just trying to keep it light and normal.