Have I failed at parenting?

[ProudPeri]

Just to caveat: I am going through a bit of a mental health crisis at the moment so not sure if my feelings are ‘justified’ or not. It is just how I am feeling in this moment and I am looking for some advice/ reassurance.

My DS is 6 and has been struggling with emotional regulation at school for the past two years. He behaves badly, has angry outbursts, is rude to staff, and refuses to do work. He has just got worse and worse as time has gone on, despite numerous ‘interventions’ from his parents, family and the school.
I love him so much- he is a character and is honestly good as gold around 90% of the time whilst with me and DH. He does stuff you would expect from a 6 yr old, of course, and we discipline as well as we can by explaining and having set consequences in place. Honestly, he is delightful a lot of the time. School is another matter.

He loves school and loves being around other people. He isn’t scared to go or anxious about school or school work at all. He is just naughty ALL THE TIME.
We are currently looking into getting him an assessment for ADHD and ASD (I am diagnosed ADHD and DH is diagnosed dyslexic and likely has undiagnosed ASD) and we think it is highly likely he has some ND that explains some of his struggles with emotional regulation.
But even if we get a diagnosis, short of a personality transplant or drugging him to the point he doesn’t know his own name, what are we or the school going to do differently than we already are? Us and the school both recognise he likely has ADHD and/ or ASD. They have a SENCO team that work with him regularly, often one to one. He has plans and ‘safe spaces’ in place at school. NOTHING WORKS. No behaviour plans or consequences/ punishments at school have any effect. At home they do- he responds well to our discipline systems we feel- but at school he shows little to no remorse for anything he does; he just says sorry and then goes on badly behaving.
We try to discipline him when he gets home if we are told he has been bad and he seems to understand and respond then, but then he goes to school the next day and the same behaviours happen.

Recently we were told he was being removed from his classroom and put into a separate classroom for kids with behavioural issues, because he was too disruptive in his class. We were devastated and thought he would be too as we thought he would miss his friends. Turns out he wasn’t that bothered. He went to the new class, spent the first week being EXCELLENT to the point the school spoke about re-integrating him back into his class. And since then it has been downhill. He is now WORSE than he was before he went there. He has been getting into fights with an older boy (my DS is SIX for goodness sake!), refusing to do any work, leaving the classroom without permission, yelling at staff, calling staff names, throwing himself around the classroom having tantrums. The lot.
We went on holiday last week. He was great there. Apart from a couple of expected outbursts that we feel were age appropriate and proportional.
First day back today and we had an email and two phone calls. He had been kicked out of after school club and we had to pick him up early he was so bad today.

So now I am sat here and wondering why I have failed so badly at parenting my son. What have I done wrong this time.
I am pretty much a failure at most other aspects of my life too, but I love my children with every fibre of my being and this one hurts the most.

I am so worried my DS will end up in prison or worse. That he will have a terrible life because I failed to parent him properly. I am struggling to cope with the other failed aspects of my life at the moment and now I am having to face this failure too.
Has anyone out there been in a similar situation and your DC has ended up being ok?
I really want to know if I can turn this around somehow.
Has anyone out there been a ‘naughty’ child as bad as my son who has come out the other side a decent and functioning human (because that is all I want for my DS- to be decent and functioning, unlike me)?

TLDR: my 6yr old DS is really naughty. Have I failed as a parent? What can I do to help him?

I think it is unfortunate you are labelling him as naughty. If he has additional needs he may not have control over impulsiveness, distractibility and sense of consequence. What did he like about the separate class, was it smaller, less formal learning, different teacher? Does he have any one to one attention in his classroom?

I’m not the one labelling him. It’s the school. They have never used the word ‘naughty’ but we all know what they mean when they say things like ‘disruptive’, ‘challenging’ and ‘struggles with controlling himself’.
He may or may not have additional needs. Me and DH are not medical professionals, just ND ourselves and we recognise some of the behaviours and school is in agreement. However, the SENCOs at school are already involved and he already has regular intervention and behaviour plans in place there, including one to one support. What else could he get when we have a diagnosis? Apart from drugs? I am not saying they wouldn’t help, I just don’t know.
He doesn’t like the new classroom. He hates one of the other kids in there who can be quite threatening. He just wasn’t that bothered about leaving his old classroom, which we thought he would be. He doesn’t really care, his behaviour and attitude are the same wherever. And it’s actually got worse recently. It gets worse the older he gets it seems.

I am at a loss as to how to help him. As I said, he responds well when at home and we have a fantastic relationship. But we just cannot seem to get through to him that his behaviour is unacceptable at school. We ask him, “and do you think that was the right thing to do/ say?” And he will say, “no”. We talk about it, give him a consequence for his behaviour and then he goes to school the next day and does the exact same thing.

I am very aware that I have failed him and myself. I am just wondering if there might be a way to fix this before it is too late…

ADHD medication does not "drug your child so much he doesn't know his own name". Some of my friends who have ADHD and take it describe it like being "me without the noise".
But a child with ADHD will become punishment-insensitive due to having had so many of them, and will seek noise and chaos because of the dopamine boost it gives.
The three things that have really helped our DS are a good medication and totally ignoring (walking off and saying nothing, shutting the door if necessary) any fuss or arguing back, and finally VERY short term rewards for being calm (to get TV before school you need to be ready to go and you need to not hurt anyone).

We have had no success with getting school on board sadly but our suggestions would be "to get to do X at break time you have to not hurt anyone or throw anything before break time".

Can you give a couple of examples of behaviours? Talking too much, because he's easily distracted? Giving bad manners or upsetting/hurting other children?

Consequences after school are way too long term for a 6 year old with ADHD.

You are not a failure. You haven't failed your child. You love him, are worried about him, and are seeking help and support. You're doing all you can.

Be kind to yourself and keep working with the school to support him. I hope you get the help and support you need for your boy ❤️

Just to clarify a few things…
My son does not have an ADHD diagnosis. He is awaiting an assessment for both ADHD and ASD (current wait is around 45 weeks where we are). The school have already recognised and agreed with our concerns about him having neurodivergence, which is why they have provided him additional support.
I have ADHD and I am not currently medicated though I was previously, which took away my energy and made my depression worse. I would love to try different medications to see if they will help but the general shortage of medication is preventing me getting any. I am currently at a bit of a low point anyway due to failure at work (I am treated for depression and anxiety and have been for the last 10 years). If ADHD medications would help my son then I would be happy to give them to him. However, personal experience tells me they are not a simple cure.

As requested here are some examples of how DS behaves:
He wants to play constantly in his own little world, imagining things and talking about them. When told he now needs to stop and do work he gets upset and yells/ screams at the teachers.
When another child is loud or disruptive, DS refuses to do any work as it is “too loud to do work”. If he is challenged then he will yell/ scream.
He likes computer time/ lessons at school. These are all game based, but if he cannot complete a level immediately he will yell/ scream/ cry/ throw things. The same thing happens if he ‘loses’ a game in PE or other situations like on the playground.
He will argue back if you tell him he needs to calm down when he is excited.
If another child says something to him he doesn’t like he says things to them like, “I will get God to destroy your family”. Although we are Christian we are not regular church goers so we don’t know where he has picked this up…
He regularly yells in people’s faces, but if someone yells at him he loses it and screams/ cries because it is “too loud”.

At home, we see similar behaviours (to a lesser extent) but we can control them/ him by using various techniques like distraction, setting firm boundaries, giving short-term incentives and rewards, praising good behaviour etc etc. The school say they do the same but it seems like he just doesn’t listen/ respect them like he does us and doesn’t care if he is disciplined at school, whereas he really does care if he has to be disciplined at home. DS hates losing privileges at home like device time, TV time, going to the park. He gets upset when this happens but then will try really hard to “do good deeds” to earn privileges back. If he loses break time at school he doesn’t care very much. If he loses golden time or computer time it just makes him worse and he screams/ yells/ cries. Then the same thing happens the next day.

I do worry that me and DH are struggling because of our own NDs. I appreciate that every individual is different - if you have met one person with autism then you have met one person with autism. No two people are alike even if their behaviour or diagnosis are the same. But are we failing our son because our own NDs are stopping us from parenting him effectively?

That sounds so much like my DS. Medication can be a game changer. There are lots to try and if you have a year's wait I would honestly try to go private.
But different meds suit different people, my DS is now on a combo of stimulant and non stimulant.
Other things that stand out:
Don't EVER try to reason or tell him to be calm. He isn't listening and the added attention will excite him and make him think you'll change your mind.
Use the language of "earning" by doing tasks and not hurting people, not the language of "losing".
And yes, being really loud but hating others that are loud - don't try to understand it! Though gradual exposure can help.

You sound like a really caring parent and I don't think you are failing him. It sounds like a tricky situation which you are doing everything you can to address.
you said ....
we all know what they mean when they say things like ‘disruptive’, ‘challenging’ and ‘struggles with controlling himself’. If the teachers are trying to put things in place to help your DS, they probably do mean those things and not "naughty".