DS2 is too tidy

[Merrow]

I know this sounds like a fake problem, but I'm getting a little bit concerned about DS2. He's 18 months, and is getting very distressed if things aren't put back in the right place immediately. He's always been like this - one of his earliest words was "back" as in to put back - but it feels like it's getting worse. I'm sure there's some genetic element as DP is very tidy and gets distressed by mess, and DS1 will happily tidy his bedroom after friends come over and take all the toys out because the alternative is sleeping in a messy room, but DS1 was never this bad. DS2 was also very premature (27 weeks) and I know that's linked to ASD, so I wonder if there's some element of that in play.

Examples: you can't take a stack of books out of the bookcase to read to him, it has to be one at a time. If he's finished playing with a toy outside it needs to go immediately back in the shed, it can't be left out while he moves onto something else. If I get a cloth to wipe up a spill on the table it can't be left out for the inevitable second spill, it has to be put back in the kitchen.

Sometimes I'm going along with it as it's not worth the levels of distress he's reaching, especially around food when he's low centiles and under the care of a dietician. Sometimes I'm explaining why something isn't happening immediately and letting him be upset (e.g. "I'll open the shed once I've hung up this washing, but I can't do it right now. I'll put it back in when I can).

I guess my question really for anyone with similar experience is what is the correct approach? This morning I was up to get a cloth because DS1 spilt some milk when eating his cereal, then had to take the cloth back. Then had to get the cloth again because DS2 managed to unstick his bowl and tip it over and covered DS1 in milk, then had to take the cloth away. Then had to get a cloth again because DS2 decided that actually the milk that he'd been happily poking with his fingers had made his hand wet which he didn't like. The third thing I found particularly annoying as I knew this was the inevitable conclusion, and so I wanted to keep the cloth out!

Sometimes I think he's 18 months and his distress is real and opening and closing the shed door is not a big ask. Sometimes I think that actually I should be helping him cope with the situation rather than fixing it.

I would go with helping him cope with the situation rather than trying to fix it. This isn't sustainable and the earlier he learns that the better. It could be ASD linked, it could be part of all toddlers being mad and unreasonable, it's too early to say, but in either case it's best to help them learn to cope with the way the world is than try and change the world to fit them.

Hey OP 💐

It may well be something more serious, but thought I'd share my experience.

DS was similar from a baby. I am not the tidiest person on earth and certainly don't stress over mess, but would narrate from an early age when I was tidying, and got him involved. But from a young age he would worry/cry about not putting things away immediately, and would do it himself if I didn't! He'd also always want to be very clean. A bit of mud would get on him at the park and it would need to come off immediately! At the time it was Covid so I had a phone app with the GP which was pretty useless, just told me to watch how it developed.

Fast forward, DS is now 5. No further worries about ASD. He now gets less distressed but he's definitely still a clean freak! I wouldn't call it an obsession, but it's very much part of who he is. He's also big rule-follower, which seems to go hand in hand with the neatness.

Your dh needs to not show distress by mess. A bit of mess is normal. Your dc may be copying/ feeding of your dh. Or alternatively it could be a sign of ASD. It's not typical for a child that age to get so focused and upset about change/ ness etc.

Sounds like it's copied behaviour off your dp if I'm completely honest.

I'd definitely focus on distracting / coping rather than jumping to do whatever he 'needs' you to do. And the over emphasise the moment when you DO put everything back and it's tidy again - so reassuring him that it all WILL be tidy again and it's ok to leave them out for a few minutes / hours.

Thanks all. It's definitely not copied behaviour - DP's mother is awful for completely losing it around the slightest bit of mess/ hoovering after ever meal etc. so DP is very conscious not to show the same sort of behaviour in front of the DC. While I know about it, hence mentioning it as part of a possible genetic connection, it's not something that the DC would be particularly aware of. It just means that the one that isn't doing bath with the children tidies up downstairs so the house is back to normal for the evening. And I've spent a lot more time on leave with DS2, and I'm quite messy! It does feel like something innate to him.

@MoneyAndPercentages that sounds similar to DS1, who is now 5 and is much less bothered by sensory things. He used to eat a piece of toast with a cloth to hand because he didn't like the crumbs on his fingers! DS2 is much better in that regard - he'll happily pick up a fistfull of Weetabix, which there is no way DS1 would have ever touched - but the tidying is far more extreme.

My instinct was try and encourage him to push through it, and it seems like that's what most people think so I'm glad I'm not being mean. It feels like his comprehension is improving every day so hopefully as he gets a bit older he'll be happier with the explanations of delay.