The thread title is what I googled many times over the course of the last 6 months but I don’t feel like this anymore.
This post is for those new mums who are goggling every symptom and spending hours regretting getting pregnant and wondering if their lives are over..
They say it takes a village for a reason, I have always had my s* together - a good job, responsible, own house, lots of friends, I didn’t generally like to sit still, always cleaning, decorating etc. not to blow own trumpet, just to stress that I thought I was hardworking and would be fine with the demands of a baby 😂😂😂
I remember not being able to sleep in the early hours during pregnancy and telling everyone ‘I can’t wait for the baby to arrive, at least I’ll have a purpose to be awake then, it’ll be much easier than lying there awake and resorting to reading a book at 2.30am every morning’ Little did I know…. what I didn’t realise how absolutely relentless becoming a mother is.
We don’t have family around to help us and our friends are fab but have their own families/lives so we’ve not had anyone babysit so far!
I was a first time mumma in the trenches with a reflux baby who wouldn’t be laid down, never ever put himself to sleep (even in the newborn weeks), cluster fed, was diagnosed with a cows milk allergy, wouldn’t take a bottle so I cut all dairy/soy/eggs, didn’t sleep longer than 1.5 hours at a time and a total of about 8.5 hours in every 24 hour period at one point.
We didn’t even have a 4 month sleep regression because guess what…. His habits were basically a constant regression as he had low sleep needs.
I had to go back into hospital at 8 weeks for removal of retained placenta, he was at the doctors or hospital every week because of his awful awful colic/reflux/digestive issues.
Pragmatically I don’t think I had PPD but the sheer lack of sleep led to intrusive thoughts, hallucinations at one point, distress, anger, resentment towards partner… it’s all very normal and you definitely feel like there is no end.
i would have happily gone through birth ten times over rather then re-live those first 2 months.
During the two months I would have happily turned back the clock (if it meant I never knew he existed, I didn’t so much wish him away, just that I never knew of his being)
You’re going to be like this for a while and if like me you are googling and seeing all the different timeframes from people about when it gets better, praying yours is at 12 weeks and not 6 months, wondering how you’ll get through it…you just do.
IT GETS EASIER!!! You will love them more and more, they’ll hit their milestones, start smiling, giggling, learning to roll, start giving more back and I promise the love you feel will get bigger and stronger and you’ll one day just realise that you’re doing it and starting to enjoy moments again.
I don’t think I enjoyed anything for the first few months, seeing friends, buying treats, food, coffee… it was all just autopilot and to function but one day you’ll start having little pockets of joy again and then each week it’ll get a little easier.
We just got to 6 months and things aren’t perfect, our boy still has bad nights, still breastfeeds a lot, has to be rocked to sleep, we spend hours pacing sometimes… but the stretches of sleep are a little longer (sometimes we are treated to a 4 hour chunk, a 3 hour chunk and then another 2 hours even!), he’s smiley and fun most of the time now he’s getting bigger and his reflux is under control and the general fog of the hideous ‘I no longer have a life’ thoughts has lifted.
I’ve had a bad week - we’ve all gad a rotten cold, I had a minor operation and waiting in some test results… and yet I feel grateful to have my little monkey, enjoying the odd moments of watching a show, back to having lovely meals..it’s tough, he doesn’t like to be set down, needs a pretty constant amount of playtime. But it’s now enjoyable!
You'll get there too. I’m not going to tell you to ‘enjoy every moment, they grow so fast’ but my one piece of advice is that if you’re too tired to enjoy any of it, try to capture some videos of those little noises, feeding, sleeping…they’re the moments you will want to remember. We took lots of photos and I’m grateful for that but I will never experience all of those little movements and sounds again and I was too preoccupied to enjoy them! I wish we’d taken more time to film as well as photograph!
I was lucky enough to have a friend who gave birth 7 weeks after me and so can’t tell you how much time we’ve spent on the phone together, every day our partners are off we chat and compare nights, laugh at the hideous moments and celebrate the joy. I didn’t join any baby groups but I’ve connected with friends on instagram who have had babies in the last couple of years and also had that really close friend. If you don’t have any mums in your social circle and don’t like the idea of baby groups then perhaps look on local social media pages for new mums etc as having someone to talk to in the dark moments is honestly a lifesaver, remember you aren’t alone.
good luck mommas, you GOT THIS!! xxx