Making friends with other parents at school

[Chloephilips]

My child started school last year and this is their second year, im feeling down about not having any friends with parents at school. Just seems everyone knows each other and stand in little groups at pick up drop off. We attend birthday parties but have never had a proper playdate or anything. Im starting to dread the school run as always feel down after, anyone else experience this?

The school run days are such a short interval in your life, I wouldn’t worry too much about having school gate mum mates. Just be friendly and say hello but don’t get overly nervous about not being part of the gang.

I am sorry to hear that ! Does your son have a friend ? You can make an effort yo talk to that friend's mom for a playdate ?
Also maybe they do some other activities together outside of school ? Like football or any other sport you can try joining that ?
As long as your son is happy at school and has some friends i wouldn't worry too much about you being friends with the mums unless u want to of course

It’s not about you — these are your child’s schooldays, not yours. Is he getting on ok and making friends? You don’t need to wait for play date invitations, invite children he likes around. If you like the parents, bonus!

I've not made friends with school mums either, but I'm used to being on my own so not too bothered by it. I always have my toddler with me at pickup so that's keeps me busy anyway, she likes to run off in the playground so I can't stand around chatting. No playdates here either but we are busy with after school clubs and weekend family days out and the dcs are happier doing that.

I mean, I don’t think I made a single friend among the other parents at DS’s first primary — work meant I seldom did the school run, and it was a fairly insular place, anyway. But we always had his friends over, or took them places with us. He thrived socially without me needing to be more than marginally involved. Even when I really didn’t care for the parents, it wasn’t such a big deal to have a polite chat over a cup of coffee if they dropped off or picked up from a play date.

Is there a PTA you could get involved in? I felt a bit like that, most of the children in my son's class had older children in the school so they knew each other already and didn't really want to chat. Joining the PTA meant I got to know parents from across the school and have made some nice friends.

My daughter is in her last year of primary school and I haven’t made one friend her friends. Mum ‘s are more like acquaintances. We have a chat. We have a laugh when we drop off or collect, etc but they’re not my friends and I don’t think they ever will be. To be honest I don’t think that’s what school friends parents are for. They are literally just that your child’s friends parents. Any good friends I have, have come from work university or school. To be honest, I drop my kids to school and then I go to work. I haven’t got time to make friends and I’m presuming neither do they. Sorry you feel that way are you a sahm? Could you maybe join a club or two or Something just for you, where you will meet new people?

I didn’t do the school run or any time in the playground (thank goodness!) as we used breakfast and after school clubs. I have friends but not friends of the DC’s parents - our only connection is having DC’s of the same age. Couldn’t identify them if I passed them in the street

I just talk to parents I know from preschool days. Not particularly good mates with many of them, but kills the time until the gates open!

Perhaps if you spot one of your child's friend's parents, you could go and strike up a conversation about Christmas presents or school clubs or whatever.

How long does pick up take? 15mins? I’m not sure that’s enough time to make a friend?

If you want to be involved walk up to one of the groups (where you at least recognise someone) and join in. Perhaps have something to say if the conversation flags, little Johnny is finding xyz hard, or really loves the new teacher, or I was wondering what everyone thinks about xyz, they will probably all have opinions and a group chat is born. I was very much out of practise in chat like that, much older mum, but (virtually) everyone was very welcoming if you put yourself a bit out of your comfort zone and mix in.

I'm sorry to hear that OP and I know what you mean! It's natural to want to feel included and be able to have a chat with the other parents! I have a gap between my kids and with my first, I made so many new friends and everyone was so chatty at pick up. My second though a few years later and it's so different! People don't seem to initiate chatting so much now? I don't know why! I found just going up to people and starting to chat broke the ice! Like "how's X settling into this new year?" and stuff like that! Would you feel confident going up to a parent you know and saying "we'd love to have X round for a play date as they really seem to get on"?

Meeting people in almost every situation has the potential for a friendship . We all need to meet a lot of people to find the few we can bond with on a better level and it’s a numbers game. Meet 100 people? I reckon maybe 5% have the potential to be an actual friend so it’s hard finding that small percentage.

I did make two really good friends at the school gate and the kids are 23 now. That was just luck really there were plenty of ok Mums but they were never going to be lifelong friends. You are on MN op it’s the home of people who do not even answer the door.

How easily can you chat to people? There is a level of interaction where it’s not too much nor too little when first meeting people. Judging that is very hard for some people. So like yourself they get very nervous and people pick up on that. It’s also knowing your audience and being chameleon like and appropriate for that situation. I have been in the flower arranging team in a church and at the same time I was one of the leaders of a hobby group dominated by men, there was only one other woman in that group of 50 of us. You bet I had different behaviours.

I felt the same as you, especially as we'd moved to a new city and knew absolutely no one! I was so lonely and desperate to make friends with the mums. Even if it was only one or two people, it would have made such a difference to me. However, I wasn't very successful. I'm quite shy and I don't think people can get to know me in a few minutes a day. So I watched other mums become friends and felt sad and lonely.
However, I did eventually make a couple of friends, took several years though! My kids are now at secondary school and I'm still friends with two or three mums. What else happened was I developed a good connection with lots of mums (and dads). Even if we weren't actually socialising together, we built up good relationships so we could chat in the playground, do favours for each other like sharing lifts to parties, emergency childcare etc. We'd always stop and chat if we saw each other outside school, or walk to the shops together. It helped me to feel connected to others.
I'd highly recommend having some playdates. This was the only way I got to know the parents. Having them come up and pick up their child is a really good way to chat. People feel closer to you if they come to your house and see you away from the playground. I'd always offer a cup of tea. If we hadn't had playdates, I really don't think I'd have got to know anyone! It's so worth doing, for you and your child.
Another thing I did was approach the more quiet, shy mums. They were often feeling the same way I was and they were so appreciative to have someone to talk to. One of the friends I made was a woman who was very shy and spoke to no one. She's a great friend now. She just needed a little encouragement.

I've had 4 kids in primary and never made any friends either, I just don't bother anymore, one mum approached me seemed friendly we spoke on drop offs then one morning I saw her and said hello and she completely blanked me, haven't bothered to speak to anyone since most of the parents don't seem particularly friendly at my kids school I don't bother speaking to anyone

You’ll become friends with the parents who are your neighbours and your children’s friends. Who do your children play with? Invite them over or plan to meet at the playground. It does take time though. I wouldn’t say I have any friends because we met at the school gates, we simply know them because they live next door or our children spend a lot of time together, or share activities (so we do lots of lift sharing). But it really wasn’t until they were a bit older (Y4?) when friendships were more established.

In my experience, the parents who spend a lot of time standing around chatting at the school gates, are usually the ones who don’t have a whole lot else going on (probably do a lot of gossiping) and aren’t very interesting.

But volunteering with the parents group at school or getting involved with various community activities will help. Our school runs all sorts of fundraisers, fete, Christmas party, etc and it’s easier to meet people there.

My kids school the parents set up a weekly coffee morning. It was a 8.20 drop off so even those with jobs could often drop in for a quick coffee. It was come if you can - occasionally it would be one or two people, occasionally 10, most often four or five. Our kids have all left school but they still go on!
It just takes one person to set it up. Do you have a class WhatsApp group or contact list? Sound them out.

8.20? People are at work or on their way to work then. Our breakfast club opened at 7.30.

😂😂 what time do people start work where you live!?

You don't have to be friends with the parents for the kids to be friends, say hello or have a quick chat if you've got time but don't worry about it.

My youngest has after school clubs x3 a week and I have an older child who also has clubs so I don't really do play dates, they're just now and again.