Advice on consequence vs. threat with toddler

[mammybird]

Hello!
I am mum to a happy almost 3 year old who is, like most toddlers, very strong willed.
She pushes boundaries and my partner and I both find there has to be a repercussion or consequence to get her to do anything/behave
So normal examples are "I have asked you not to do that X amount of times, if you do it again you can't have X or Y/you will have to spend 1 minute in your room (not bothered of these just one or the other)"
While this works for the most part, I do feel like it borders into threat at times. The biggest example of this is that she comes into our bed every night and is incredibly fidgety and wriggly and nobody gets any rest. So we bought a mattress for beside our bed only she won't go into it...so now it's a case of "if you don't stop wriggling you will have to sleep on the mattress" which feels like a threat to me and I don't like saying it because ultimately I'd like her to feel safe and happy to sleep next to us in our room rather than in our bed and making it a punishment feels wrong and she is only little she isn't wriggling to be disruptive intentionally.

Just seeking advice on ways anyone else approaches similar issues? Thanks!

why is she wriggling.
has she any skin condition, itchiness, or worms ?
i know it sounds awful, but some children do suffer in that way.
can you try to make her bed more comfortable, maybe get her to choose an extra soft snuggly blanket, that 'lives' on her bed.
what do you mean about a mattress, is it not a full bed, at same height as yours?
hope you sort it out.

It’s ok to have rules and an expectation that she listens and does as she’s told. The bed thing isn’t a threat it’s a choice, she can lie nicely in your bed, but if she wants/needs to wriggle she can have the mattress on the floor. Her choice. You all need sleep not just her!

I always tried to give natural consequences where possible, and where not possible I would frame the potential consequence as a choice, and advise them to make the right choice!

A big difference is how you feel when you say it - if you're angry almost anything will come across as a threat. If you can calmly state a boundary or consequences, ideally with a reason, that's different. Words make a bit of difference but not as much as tone - still, you could try "I love cuddles, and if you can stay still you're welcome to stay. If you're feeling wriggly you need to sleep on the mattress so we can both get a good night."

She does have eczema so she gets itchy but from watching her I think the nighttime itchiness is more habit than need if you see what I mean? She is a generally wriggly little human, heaps of energy!
Good shout on making it really appealing to her. Maybe I will let her choose some blankets/teddies from her bedroom to put there.
It is currently a toddler mattress under our bed which we pull out....if there was a toddler size next to me style bed I'd have it in a minute but we don't really have the room for a full bed next to ours unfortunately and she does have her own bedroom with a bed she just wants to be close to me bless her.
Thanks!

So true. It is really hard not to be angry when we've been awake for two hours and have to be up at 7 for work/nursery. But you are right it is the framing of the statement

She probably can’t help the wiggling overnight. She’s tired, unsettled, it’s common for kids to want the comfort of their parents but actually they can’t sleep with someone else in the bed because it’s disturbing. I’d consider setting a hard boundary on that one and lead her back to bed everytime supernanny style, or if you’d rather she only has the option of the mattress on your floor not in your bed. I have nothing against cosleeping if it works but it defeats the point if it keeps everyone awake! And I think you’re expecting too much to expect her to realise consequences, make a good choice etc. in the middle of the night. During the day though, you’re fine. I would consider what you’re doing giving warning and allowing her to make a choice rather than threats.

I think at that age, if you've told them 2-3 times to stop doing something and they carry on/do it again the next day etc it's probably down to you to solve the problem by removing things, putting things out of reach, removing the child before they can do the thing, or distraction.

With the bed thing - she probably really can't help wriggling - possibly doesn't even know she is doing it. Why is she coming into your bed? We had child gates across the children's doors so that they stayed in their rooms. If they woke, we went to them and resettled.

I heard this recently.

'the maximum amount of times you ask them to do something/stop something is the minimum amount they will expect' so if they're used to you asking several times they will always ignore you until you get cross.

So make sure they can hear you, ask once and enforce the boundary.

In your example it would be gently putting her on the mattress after the first request (although I think night time isn't a great time for things like this as they just want comfort)

In our house it looks like this. 'ive asked you once to put your shoes on and you haven't so I'm going to help you' - 9 times out of 10 she'll go and put them on

Oh yes, I am certainly not saying I always manage to say things calmly!

What you are saying is simply too wordy for her age group. Short and sharp positive actions that tell her the positive action you want to see.
Not " I've told you 6 times to stop jumping on the sofa, if you do it again you'll have to sit on the floor'

But "Bum on the sofa but you can bounce on the floor." Then follow it up with a distraction "Should we bounce together? Who can bounce highest?"