Interactions with teenager with ASD

[ConfusedAnxiousMum]

Any ideas what I should do, other than remove my child from the group? Is that the only solution?

My DD (8) goes to a youth group weekly - crafting, singing, cooking, games, that kind of thing. She loves it, enjoys the activities and gets on well with the other children.

Except for one boy (13) who seems to delight in teasing her and winding her up to get a reaction. He has ASD so he probably can't help it but she finds it upsetting. He also plays quite physically still. I've suggested she calmly say that teasing isn't kind and then to walk away to play with someone else. But another parent (not the boy's parent) has suggested it isn't his fault and DD should play with him rather than exclude him. I'm not comfortable with asking a girl to tolerate this because an older boy wants her to. The boy is considerably bigger than her so I have concerns she'd physically get hurt too!

The leaders of the group are aware and try to defuse any situations that arise. I had hoped he'd age out of the group (it doesn't have set age limits) and leave to go to something else but it doesn't look like that's going to happen!

In a similar situation I taught my child to walk away and involve an adult.

Including him is nice. If he's scaring or upsetting or hurting your child then they need to be taught to walk away/get an adult otherwise they will get hurt, physically or mentally.

If he's just being a bit annoying and not someone she gets along with - she's got to deal with it and just avoid him really. If he's actively seeking her out to distress her - complain to the group leaders.

I have one child awaiting ASD assessment who is a bit abrasive and personality wise "marmite-esque" - I'd expect group leaders to tell her to rein it in a bit and channel her away from anyone she's annoying, but equally that other people can be just as irritating and that is something to be dealt with. On the other hand I did complain (and was accused of disability discrimination by the child's parents) when a boy spent repeated Scout outdoor meetings actively targeting my other child to attempt to shove her into dog shit... apparently his ASD meant he was allowed to do that (despite the fact he was targeting a child who also had ASD). Parents went ballistic when his behaviour was raised with them and threatened to sue Scouts, me, the entire universe....

I think the ASD is a red herring for physical play, if your daughter doesn't enjoy physical play then she doesn't need be involved in it. Plenty of children of 13 are physical without ASD.

When it comes to teasing/winding her up. It not OK to tease or wind someone up and it's fine to say that you don't want to play with them as it has upset you.

The people looking after him can help him understand why and how to interact in a kinder way, but that's not your daughters responsibility.

The only caveat is, that you could explain that he might not understand teasing. Its actually quite a complex social interaction which is why he gets it wrong and winds her up.

That doesn't make it her responsibility to teach him or deal with it, she is a child there to have fun, but she might view him as less a nasty person to avoid who wants to hurt her, but more a person struggling who is being helped by others. It might not wind her up as much then and allow her to enjoy the rest of the activities.

ASD can’t be used as excuse for ‘poor’ behaviour/bullying/teasing towards other. The adults involved need to step in. I say that as a parent with a son with ASD/ADHD and he wouldn’t have been allowed to get away with it by me- I volunteered in similar group when he was younger so that I could keep an eye on his behaviour from a distance and step in when/if needed.

Something not being within someones control doesn't mean you have to put up with it. The teasing he may not really understand or it might be an impulse issue but that doesn't mean DD can't address it and move away. An I statement might be less inflammatory and explain better if he doesn't understand. Something like, "I feel upset when you say x so I'm going to play somewhere else now." Two of my three Autistic DC who are all younger than that would understand what they were doing, though they could still be doing it as an impulse, especially if they're really tired or exhausted.

The being overly physical, my DS who struggles the most he doesn't really understand his own strength or always know where the line is, but thats why I supervise him closely in out of school situations where there may be physical play. If she feels uncomfortable with the play leaving is always a valid choice and exclusionary. Again you could teach her a phrase, "I don't feel comfortable playing like this so Im going to do something else," then walk away. Firm boundaries can be good for kids with autism, especially those like my DS who see things in a very black and white way.

Thank you! These are really useful responses and have helped me gain more insights.

Yes, I think the teasing is an impulse and he doesn't know (or understand?) how to stop so just keeps on going and seems to find getting a more extreme reaction (DD getting upset and crying) funny so keeps going again. That was the point when I suggested she stop engaging and walk away - yes re involving an adult too.

The physical side. It's more like how much younger children play - but ones of an equal size! My concern is that now he is somewhere on the path to puberty (judging by height) and if he's not aware of/can control his own impulses what happens if this goes too far?! Teaching DD to keep out of the way seems the safest approach? Or am I setting her up for something awful? It is part of a group with adult leaders there.