How do I move past this?

[SpiderPlantInTheBathroom]

Morning,
I would be so grateful for any support on this, or to feel less alone (although I know I'm not, no one in my 'real life' has felt this way)
I bought a home last year after leaving our home of 9 years which we loved. Since then I have struggled with what I can only describe as grief over my sons growing up. I think it is beyond normal, and is not even manageable at times as it can interfere with my work day, but has improved somewhat. My sons are 14&9, I have been on my own with them for 9 years. When they were younger, we were in our own little world, we'd go to the museums, on long walks, do tourist things in the city, and it was this special bubble. Now the world is getting in I guess, and my eldest still needs me of course but he doesn't want to need me.

My eldest has been asked out by a girl and she is asking him to go to her house, which I've made very clear is not happening. I dont want to be overbearing, I've got to accept Our relationship is changing. I am dreading the day my youngest leaves primary school.

I work from home mostly, and cry every day. I look at something that we made or they drew and think about that moment and the pain washes over me.

I am still working, I still arrange for us to do things at the weekends, the boys have an activity every night of the week between them, but this pain is constantly bubbling away.

Has anyone else been through similar?

In the kindest possible way OP, we bring up our children to be strong independent women. At 14 he should be able to go to his girlfriend’s house. You should be creating healthy boundaries. Talk to him about sex, how he’s too young etc.

Im wondering if you should go see your GP, as your boys cannot replace a long term relationship for you. Part of this is finding yourself and building a life for yourself that isn’t just about your kids.

Why can't he go to his girlfriend's house? You talk about fear of the outside world getting in but what specifically worries you about that example?

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.

The example of my son being asked to her house...she isn't his girlfriend but has asked him out. I don't know her or her family. I did say I am happy to take them places and pick them up, but he isn't going to her house. It just feels significant, that he is interested in girls for the first time and that feels like another point at which he is moving away from me.

I don't want to be like this. I am distraught at the thought of creating a life away from my sons, it feels like our world is all I know. My youngest was given a dual diagnosis at the start of the year also, which was a lot to get my hear around (I thought he was being assessed for tourettes at first, I didn't realise ASD can cause tics/repetitive movements).
My mum said she never felt this way about me growing up, and neither do a few friends I've asked. I want them to stay young as long as possible.

I get what you mean and do experience it to some extent, but as you say, you are experiencing it "beyond normal".

Do you have any life beyond doing stuff with your kids and working? If not, I suggest you start to develop interests now which don't involve them. I know it's hard when your youngest is only 9 though, do you get any time to yourself?

I would let my 14 year old go to his girlfriend's house and don't really understand why you wouldn't tbh. Is it sex you're worried about? Just chat to him about it. Have you met the girlfriend?

If you don't let your children draw away from you in a natural way, there may come a time when they feel they have to run away instead (I don't mean literally, but it's early and I'm struggling to articulate myself!).

I think you should talk to your GP about how you're feeling too, and mention how much you're crying.

Do you mean that he wants to stay over at his GF's house or just go and visit?

I agree with talking to him about consent, contraception, the law and STDs, although perhaps not all in one go

In the kindest possible way though I think you need help. It's not normal to cry every day and you seem to be quite overwhelmed with the thought of them growing up. Please do speak to your GP and explore the possible of Counselling and Medication. If you're working your Employer may offer a scheme where you can access Counselling more quickly.

Do you ever do any activities just for you? If not, it might be time to start thinking about what you would like to try

I think you need some therapy as to feel grief about your kids growing up while they are still kids is really sad.

You are missing something that hasn't gone yet.

I wasn't always this way, it's only been really really difficult since we left our old home. I used to think I couldn't wait from them to grow up, but I look back now and feel upset i didn't appreciate every moment, which I know is silly because parenting is so hard and relentless of course you can't appreciate every moment. I don't really have the opportunity to build a life away from the boys and work, but it's worse that I don't really feel interested in that. I'm always busy and even if I get some time without the boys I fill my days with walking the dog, I'm renovating, and seeing my friends. But it's always there and I can't understand it.

Cross posted with you there. I don't really instantaneous why you won't allow your eldest to go to this Girl's house either. The time when you knew what the family were like was in Primary. Surely he mixes with lots of friends, most of whom you won't know their families?

As a PP said, if you start asserting too many unnecessary rules now, he might start to kick back and that can damage your relationship.

If DS2 has a dual diagnosis is it AudADHD? Have you found the SN Children Section yet? There's usually lots of support in there.

I hope you manage to get to see the GP today and can start to turn how you're feeling around

Which is why therapy would be helpful to unpick it.

You are missing the current moments being sag about previous moments.

You are so so lucky to have boys that are healthy and growing up. Lots of parents don't get to see the children become teens, get their first girlfriend etc.

Speak to your GP and if you can afford it find a counsellor/therapist.

You're grieving a loss - a home, a family member perhaps? I feel very similar in my own situation and what my family has been through in past few years and the loss of the lives they had and the way it has impacted their and all of our mental health. I can't get that time back and it's gone now and all I have are regrets and anxiety and sadness. It's overwhelming some days. If you've had a very big diagnosis that will also unsettle you for a good while and might also point out your own ND. Again my experience. Might be worth trying to find some emotional support whilst you go through this? I think we spend so long caring for others and forget about ourselves especially during perimenopause.

These replies have been really helpful, thank you.

I do really appreciate my children, i feel like i freeze moments and want to cling on to them, and part of the issue is I didn't always feel that way, and I can get this feeling, almost like desperation that I want to go back and make the most of them being so young and appreciate every moment.

I feel awful today. My eldest isn't talking to me over this girl, I guess I'll just have to give him space. He said to me yesterday that its fine, but when he grows up he just wont talk to me. Hes said worse to me, but it had a profound impact on me. I went to book a hotel for us to stay for a few nights for the October break but I didn't because I don't think my eldest will want to go and be with me.

I had him at 22, it feels like being a mum is all I know. I don't even know what I'd say to a GP, I sound a bit neurotic, I'm embarrassed.

I feel like I didn't have enough time to get it right, I feel I haven't created the life I want to for them yet, and now I've got older children It feels too soon, the time has gone too fast and I haven't got it right yet, I feel like I need more time.

It feels unfair that you've banned your son from going to a female friend's house. Is he allowed to go to male mates' homes?
You can't just keep him all to yourself you know. You need to try and find some hobbies and interests outside of your kids.
I also think you might benefit from some counselling.
In a couple of years he could be moving away for studying, he will soon want a part time job, and of course he'll be interested in sex soon enough too. There's no way of getting around the fact they're growing up and will need you less.

You really need to sort this out and get some help.
It's natural to feel a bit sad about your DC getting older (I have a 9.5 and 13 year old) but not to the extent that you're crying about it every day and holding them back.

You need to let your eldest do to his friends houses, this is normal teenage stuff. (Obviously sleepovers with a girl are still a no).
If you don't find a way past this, like your son has said you will end up pushing him away. At 14 DC should have the feeedom to be going to places alone, my 13 yo catches the bus to town alone or with friends, and walks to friends houses alone.
Perhaps you could invite the girl over to your house first so you can get to know her?

If you've had kids earlier or frankly at all, esp if you're on your own, could it be that your eldest's vocal rejection of you is triggering something old? I mean I am armchair psychologist here but I feel similarly.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a natural progression for a 13 year old boy who is looking for a father figure to follow and rejecting his "mum" is part of that. I'm just trying to ignore it as much as I can and be as loving as I can but it's hard when he often is verbally awful and expletives fly.

I definitely have rejection and trust issues with male figures in my life - family and relationships. It's taken until now to really really look at this stuff and I've got a long road ahead of me. I also feel sad that I've missed years wrapped in anxiety and not enjoying them as I should. And now anxious in other ways which have created different set of problems.

I guess knowing this stuff and getting it out there with a good family therapist / trauma informed therapist is the key. And reflecting his behaviour back to him so he can hear it. "Oh you sound really annoyed/angry/upset/disappointed" should I leave you alone for a bit or can we have a cup of tea and talk??? Can you walk dog or something that is distracting and less eye to eye? If you have ND in the family emotions are going to run high at puberty and it's even more important to be the container for them and help them identify their feelings and their behaviour as healthy or not.

Sorry if this is all a bit annoying. It's just what is going through my head constantly and managing my reaction. And insane anxiety as a result.

You sound anxious about the friends thing. If you're worried about this girl, drop him off! And admit to your feelings - that's the key for him to hear and see - that you occasionally get it wrong and it comes from a place of love. Tell him you're figuring out good boundaries too and that you're not trying to destroy his life. Make sure he understands about consent and condoms and ideally isn't alone with a very new girlfriend until you've met her and he is confident he knows what's what... you can explain why this is important. Or why it makes you worry. Let him in a bit and ask him questions rather than just telling him what to do.

I think some of the posters have been a little bit unkind. If you have ND in your family then it is worrying rhat your children may miss social cues or make mistakes in their assessment of a situation or not cope well with an emotional response. I think letting the line out slowly is no bad thing and he will feel
More secure for it no matter what he rages about now

@coffeeandfags99 great posts, thank you they've helped me too, especially this bit: I definitely have rejection and trust issues with male figures in my life.

Bing! Light bulb moment!

I feel for you. Your 9 year old is still young but you need to let 14 year old grow up (under caring guidelines) or you will push him away.
You say you work from home. You could be depressed due to isolation..
I think you need to speak to your doctor for some help.
Would you prefer a career working with young children?
Would you foster or childmind?
Do you actually want another baby of your own?
Of not then think about how you can find friends and start some hobbies you enjoy. Local coffee meets ups, things at the library.
There are still lots of things you can do with the boys. How about inviting the girlfriend along and including her rather than denying the situation. Make her feel welcome and your son will warm to that. And yes let him visit her.
9 year old is right in the middle of his childhood. Enjoy it xxxx

I feel very similar, yet my children are little. I am already dreading them getting older and feel lots of sadness that they are no longer babies.
I think I will grieve each stage. I've only ever wanted to be a mum. I know I always will be but I'm sad that I won't always be the mum to little ones that need and want me.
If you find anything that helps, please share. I am trying counselling x