Seriously - I’m at my wits end with my child

[AngeloMysterioso]

I had a thread about him not so long ago -
made the mistake though of posting in AIBU where I attracted the attention of a troll who kept telling me I’m a shit mother, so I’m hoping for a more gentle response here!

DC is second of three but has been like this since before no. 3 was born. Just incredibly destructive and difficult. It’s hard to think of any aspect of our lives he doesn’t manage to make harder in some way.

Tonight I’ve gone into the bedroom he shares with my eldest DC because I could see the big night light was on (he’d climbed up on the glider chair to turn it back on after I’d switched it off) to find him curled up on the rug next to his bed, surrounded by the shredded remains of the books he’d ripped to pieces before falling asleep. I realised once I’d picked up all the pieces on the floor that there were loads missing, went back in to look for the rest and found them all stuffed under his pillow.

7 acorn wood books plus my eldest son’s favourite train book - over £60 in total. He’s gone through each book, page after page and torn out the lift-up flaps in every single one. Just destroyed. I’ve no idea why and there probably won’t be any point talking to him tomorrow as I doubt he’ll even remember.

I love him so much, but sometimes I really fucking hate him too.

How old is he OP? Has he got SEN?

OP that sounds so hard. no advice but a handhold. Echo pp does he have a SEN diagnosis

Its normal to feel upset and at times feel like you hate your child when they go to such extremes.

However, he is communicating that he can’t regulate his emotions. He may be ND, so it’s best to see a GP

As such, I wouldnt seek to punish the behaviour. If you can salvage them (taping them together) them please do. Maybe get him to help. But remain calm and explain, that when he is upset he can’t destroy. That he should come to you first.

Now saying this isn’t going to stop him wanting to do this in the future, but hopefully he can come to you before it escalates further.

He’ll be 3 in December, and not as far as we’re aware although I guess it’s not outside the realms of possibility. He is very intelligent and good at problem solving, so he’s worked out how to open child-proof locks, stair gates, his seat belt buckle. Eldest son (5) is on the waiting list for an autism assessment but he would never do something like this in a million years.

Oh dear! Well, i'm no expert by any means but my instinct would be to give an outlet for his anger and have a rule that books are not to be ripped up.

We always used the old Sesame St thing in our house - pound a pillow when you feel angry.

I'd also get him some big scrapbooks and pens (not felts!!) So he can scribble and rip those if he so desires (maybe some fat coloured pencils that are study enough to withstand firm pressure but not to work on your walls)

So - that's the first thing. Clear rules about what is ok to rip and what is not. And what to do when angry.

Next of course is to work out why he's angry. In young kids this can come from frustration about not being able to communicate his feelings. How is his speech and language?

I'd be spending some one to one time on gentle play. Showing him the difference. So he can have his rough play with his toy cars and toys designed for that. But have a soft teddy or puppet (glove puppet) that needs gentle care. Show him how to stroke teddy softly and how to be quiet and soft with teddy.

If he throws teddy or hits teddy, take ted in a loving way and tuck him down like he is a real baby. Don't be cross if he is horrid to teddy. Just model the behaviour you want. Keep a slow, soft voice.

Does he go to toddler groups with you? Keep an eye on how he plays with toys and other kids. Really praise up nice play but divert rough play. Never pull him away crossly. You must stay calm. Tell him "No, these toys are not yours to break. They belong to toddlers for all of the children so we need to play like this - then play with him and show him what you want.

Do make sure he has time every day to go out, run around and play rough. I wouldn't be encouraging him to throw stones and kick trees but he could certainly be bashing sticks on the ground or jumping hard on mud to compact it - give him that outlet.

Finally, do seek professional help if things don't improve. Good luck!

Oh gosh that is tough.
Have you spoken to your HV?
He sounds like he is struggling.

All behaviour is communication but he just isn't capable yet of telling you what he is feeling.

One of mine became very aggressive at that age. He grew out of it with a lot of support.

He is AuDHD and has trouble with anxiety and managing his emotions. But he is getting better now

It looks as if he is getting comfort from tearing paper so maybe you could buy a cheap ream of paper which is his to tear. He's very young to be able to understand the difference in value but he might be able to learn 'this is good paper to tear', 'this is not good paper to tear' if you model it for him and praise him when he gets it right.

The thing is, I don’t think he was angry or upset about anything. It was after bedtime, there’d been no tears or tantrums when I put him to bed (and trust me, that kid knows how to tantrum, his screams could shatter glass) in fact my eldest slept through the whole thing so it must have taken place in almost complete silence. And my child doesn’t do angry quietly.

We do go to play groups and he’s never rough with other children, we’ve never had reports of him being like this at nursery (he goes two days a week) although they do describe him as a handful! But at home he’s a nightmare, just so destructive, constantly fighting with my eldest son- one night a week he goes and stays with his grandparents (just him- eldest used to go too but can’t now he’s started school, and baby still too young) and that night when it’s just me, DH, eldest and baby is just so blissfully peaceful and calm, it really throws into sharp relief the constant stress and chaos that he creates.

And yet sometimes he can be such a wonderful, lovely, funny child that he absolutely melts my heart. He’s incredibly sweet and gentle with his baby brother (so far- we’ll see how that changes once baby starts crawling and grabbing at his toys!). But those moments are far outnumbered by shit like this.

I feel for you. That's tough.

It does sound as if he may have some kind of SEN? Or he could just be an annoying little shit like my youngest was, and still driving me mad over 20 years after he was born!!

My second child was a nightmare toddler also! I suspect now he's older he had add. He's been a wonderful teen though and I've almost forgotten how hard he was as a toddler! (He was a super easy baby too?)

Is there any way he could have his own room?

A room with nothing but a bed and his cuddly toys..

On the off chance that this isn't SEN, I think you need to have a stern word along the lines of 'books are not to be ripped'.

How does he behave with the grandparents?

Dod you read to him before bed?

Unfortunately not, we live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat. We’re trying to move but having no luck at all with selling.

He’s better behaved at grandparents- a combination of there being 2 of them so they can divide and conquer, and having a bigger house with more space.

Yep

Oh this is exactly the sort of thing my DS would do at that age. Just complete destruction of, well, anything and everything. I once caught him hiding under the stairs using an icicle decoration he'd taken off the Christmas tree to make hundreds of holes in his brand new Christmas jumper Nothing was safe, he pulled things like pens and toys apart "to see if they were clockwork" even if they very VERY obvious were not fucking clockwork.

He hit all milestones (early for many), was bright, chatty, sociable etc, so my early concerns about him being ND were waved away by the HV and staff at nursery/school. But when he got to about 7 the wheels really fell off, the gap started to widen between him and his peers, and he just fell apart. He was diagnosed autistic at 8 and is now awaiting ADHD assessment.

Do you have consequences for behaviour like this? How do you handle it? Or do you just ignore it as you’ve said there isn’t any point in talking about what he’s done, so you ignore it?

We don’t ignore it, and the only reason I said that in this particular instance is because it happened after bedtime before he fell asleep, and generally speaking consequences for an action need to be immediate, not the next day when he probably won’t even remember what he did.

Well maybe he needs to be moved back int the bedroom with you and your husband, to protect your older child’s belongings. Although with another baby added and only 2 bedrooms, that’s going to be difficult, but you really can’t leave your eldest to deal with this and have their belongings trashed.

We’ve still got the baby in with us, there’s not enough room for a fourth person. We might just have to resort to taking the bookcases out of their room at bedtime.

I think some children are curious/destructive but I would also wonder if this is sensory seeking behaviour too.
Whilst I agree that it's better to offer consequences at the time of something happening I think in this instance you can sit down with the shredded books and have a conversation about it not being ok to do this to books. Without getting angry or upset.
But you probably do need to consider what items he has access to unsupervised.

Do you think he could find the action and noise of paper-tearing soothing? Is that a particular outlet for him or is he generally destructive?
I'm just wondering if a fiddle toy like a length of velcro on a blanket might scratch that itch? He can rip it off and stick it back on to rip it off again all night....

Oh how annoying!
You say he wasn't angry. Some children are VERY curious and impulsive. My older sister tore up books at this age - drove my mum potty.

Try to be calm and consistent. But nostly just keep everything breakable out of his reach. one of my boys wasn't this bad but certainly did rip a fair number of flaps beforr his 3rd birthday. we put them away, he's nearly 4 now and perfectlyrespectful of books. LOVES making papier mache with his older sister though - he does the ripping.

Make sure he gets lots of tactile experiences - I find playdough and messy play good for my more "active" DS. If we'd had a day with outdoor time and messy activities then he was much more likely to sit and play less destructively for a bit.

He will get older and his understanding of what is appropriate will improve.