Scared that baby doesn’t love me - just me?

[Lala1962]

I have a 3.5 month old baby girl who is my world. I absolutely love being a mum. Generally I’ve had a really good time with her and she’s a ‘good’ baby. We spend pretty much all our time together, co-sleep part of the night, EBF and contact nap. If she’s crying, she’ll almost immediately stop if I pick her up or she’s handed back to me. I get lots of smiles and we chat away to each other during the day when we’re playing. I pretty much do everything for her - bathing, nappies, clothing, putting to sleep etc. She’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

Logically I know that she does love me but I can’t shake this fear that she doesn’t and I’m nothing special to her as she is to me.

I’m also terrified that she’ll become a daddy’s girl and love me less thanks to my MIL pressing that it’s inevitable (‘all girls become daddy girls and won’t want mummy when they get older so make the most of it now before daddy is her favourite’). Obviously it’s great she has a good bond/relationship with her dad but it just makes me worry that despite all of our time together and everything I do for her she’ll prefer someone else over me. I was very much a mummy’s girl as a child. I know it’s probably very selfish to think like that but I can’t help it!

Can anyone else relate?!

That sounds a bit mad, OP. She doesn’t even know you’re a separate individual to her yet. Are you generally a very anxious person?

How were you a mummy’s girl if all girls inevitably become daddy’s girls and have daddy as favourite? Either you’re talking bollocks or your MIL is! If you know you’re being honest then you know now to listen to a word your MIL is talking about.

Don’t worry my luv. My girl was so clingy to her Dad when he came home from work when she was a few months old. I used to feel so useless. They grow and they change and of course she loves you, she thinks you both are the same person ❤️. You’ve got so much ahead together and your bond will grow, don’t over think it. You’re her everything x

I get it OP. You’re sacrificing so much, giving her every second of your day, you’re (rightly) obsessed with her, and one day inevitably that intense relationship will change, other people will become important to her too and you’ll be the only one who remembers how close you once were. But you’ll have a new exciting relationship to develop with her then and that doesn’t make what you have now less meaningful. it sounds like you’re doing all the right things, just try to enjoy her and ignore mil. Your child’s life will be filled with people saying ‘just you wait’ and some negative predictions, you need to tune them out

Sometimes but I wouldn’t say excessively anxious. I’m sure there’s something else going on in the background that makes me feel this way but I won’t go into that. I know it’s a bit silly and illogical. Just wanted to know if anyone else could relate to the feeling.

Stop listening to anything MIL says. You EBF and co sleep, of course your dd is bonded to you, she must spend nearly every hour of the day being held by you.

In a few months she'll start to communicate more, and you'll see how much she loves you through how she interacts

I was a military child and my dad away a lot when I was young so being a mummy’s girl was somewhat inevitable as my mum was the only consistent parent at that time. Very different with my DP who is home every day so not the same circumstances. I know what will be will be but just makes me a bit sad.

Hi @Lala1962
This is a known symptom of Post Natal Depression. Please talk to your Health Visitor team and ask to be referred for help. You will be ok. Your baby does love you, but is not aware of the world much yet, in the same way that a fish doesn't really know what water is because it has no experience of anything else. Your baby dwelling in your love for her and hers for you isn't something she is conscious of yet because it's all she's ever known. It's still there. But your brain can do weird things when your hormones are all over the place. It's ok to ask for help, no one will judge you.

Exactly this.

Maybe read a bit more about child development and attachment. It’s really interesting and might protect you a bit from Mil’s comments about daddy’s girl or mummy’s girl. She’s going to need secure attachments with both of you ideally - there are just different phases to this.

Yes, I think the way you feel or similar variations on it, is very common.
Just remember babies express love by needing you and in the way they respond to you, if it's your voice that can sooth her, your scent that makes her feel safe, your touch that she trusts... Then she loves you and the day she can actually tell you that will be a special day.
Don't worry op your feelings are just the flip side of the power of your love and your mil has got under your skin a bit.
Work on countering those mean suggestions because they are not based on anything, and there is room in someone's heart for more than one.
My DD is not a daddies girl, or a mummies girl actually... But when I see the bond she has with her dad it is a source of delight not rejection anyway.
Keep loving well op.

Thank you for your concern. I have already talked to both my health visitor and GP.

Your fish/water analogy is also helpful, thank you.

Surely it helps to know this is some internal insecurity in yourself, rather than anything with the remotest basis in reality? Why are you putting so much credence in your MIL’s reactionary ideas? I’m quite fond of my MIL, but it’s never occurred to me to take anything she thinks about gender, parental roles or child-rearing seriously.

You’re tormenting yourself by inventing a completely imaginary scenario which seems to involve you and your DH competing for your child’s love. Is your marriage ok?

Of course your baby doesn’t ‘love’ you yet. You’re the element she exists in, not a separate entity!

Hugs OP! I absolutely used to feel like this. Now I have. Ten year old who is so close to both of us and it’s all fine.

It helps to know that other mums understand or can relate with how I’m feeling. Regardless of how illogical or silly I know it is.
Perhaps you are simply a stronger person than me but if anyone (not just my MIL) was making comments about something I was a bit sensitive about it would be something I would put weight to. I have a good relationship with her generally.

My relationship is fine. It is lovely to see my DPs and DDs relationship develop.

Thank you for your input.

good suggestion thank you, I will do some research!

Thank you - ‘don’t overthink’ is a big one to focus on! x

Your MIL is talking nonsense, I have no idea why anyone would say that to a new Mum. There are a lot of old wives tales surrounding babies, you will come to hear many more of them.

Your baby needs you and wants you and as far as she is concerned, you ARE love. You sound like a caring and responsive mum and if you keep looking after her so well you are sure to have a great relationship with her for the rest of your life.

Congratulations on your lovely baby, it is such an upheaval, and can be so beautiful and so terrifying all at once. Just take things slow and try to enjoy the precious moments of the newborn stage. It won't be long before she is making it very clear how much she loves you.

I totally relate, it's PND, please get some help. I had antidepressants and they were so helpful, you can take them while breastfeeding.

Your MIL is being spiteful. Why on earth would anyone say that to a new mum, unless they were trying to shake the confidence and bonding between mother and baby? And it is total rubbish anyway. Becoming a mum is a minefield of navigating other people's intentions and beliefs. Not everyone is well-meaning (i found out the hard way). When you EBF often MILs feel threatened and try any way they can to make you question your bond or parenting style. You need to stop being receptive to her nonsense - simply dismiss her stupid old wives tales and any other crap that undermines the bond between you and your daughter. X

OP you are everything to that baby - it’s instinctive to her, she’s bonded to you.