Where did I go wrong with DD6?

[Shellly]

I have 3 DCs and DD6 is between 2 DS.

DD6 is wanted and loved. We all adore her. I grew up poor and I have worked very hard to get where I am. I make sure that DD6 has everything she wants.

DD6 is struggling at school and they have suggested autism.

Academically, she is not doing great. She is very bright but she does not put any effort.

She has on a few occasions been physical. She fought with the big boys at school. She also kicked someone in her class. She has never witnessed violence at home as we are a non violent family.

She has asked me not to walk her to school. I explained why this was not an option. She will now wait until on school grounds and will run away without saying goodbye.

I am not going to lie. I am heart broken. This is not the relationship that I wanted to have with my daughter.

I don’t know how to make things better. Can anyone please help me?

If your DD is autistic, she may be struggling with issues she's probably too young to be able to articulate very well. It's not that you haven't loved her enough.

I would suggest learning about autism and getting her assessed, but nothing you have said sounds that bad? Not everyone is academic and kids fight sometimes. Even girls. If she is autistic she may get overwhelmed and have difficulty expressing herself verbally .

The state assessment can take 2 years so we are going private so speed things up. I don’t know enough about autism. She will have a lonely life if she doesn’t have friends and isn’t nice to family.

It has been suggested that your child has a disability, she displays behaviour that matches that disability.

You are concerned you have gone wrong somewhere? Why? Why can it not be that actually this is about your DD and not you? You can't buy or give attention to someone and rid them of their disability and stop the behaviours. You learn strategies, get her assessed and think outside the box when parenting her.

If she does have autism then where you went 'wrong' was your DNA and as you can't change that, it's time to worry about something else

She is 6 years old. She has plenty of time to learn and to develop friendships and relationships.

Quite often people with autism don't care for the company of others and are just fine without it.

she will have a lonely life if she doesn’t have friends and isn’t nice to family
My DD is autistic. She has lots of friends and a happy home life.
But you really do need to read up on this and understand it better. She's not trying to be naughty. She's struggling. You need to parent autistic children differently..

I know DD6 is struggling. And it pains me that I am not capable of helping her.

Please join some Facebook groups about being a parent of an autistic child. It’s not her fault. If the school are suggesting it then I’d say there is a strong chance as girls are very good at masking. A good start would be reading ‘Autism in Childhood’ by Dr Luke Beardon. He’s approved in the autistic society.

Then you need to start educating yourself. Autism is a whole new world. Can you join any courses? Anythin?

You are. You just don't know how yet.

Along with the autism assessment, I would be wondering if there's any chance she could have experienced some trauma you are not aware of.

Autism is a social and communication disability. It can have other comorbid conditions alongside it.

Often children with autism struggle with too much / or not enough sensory input and they may have very particular likes and dislikes. Some may find spinning relaxing, others swinging, others being compressed using a body sock or weighted vest / blanket, others may like a dark space with coloured lights. Many do not like like unexpected noises like hand dryers.

When overwhelmed the reactions tend to take two routes either a meltdown - this is explosive and a physical release, often referred to as the shaken coke bottle. If this happens you keep the child safe, reduce the wrong type of sensory input and increase what they do like. Don't bother talking or touching them as it is likely to add to the sensory overload.
The other type is a shutdown, this is more internalised and they can completely recreate into themselves turning themselves 'off' to the outside world, they make become mute. Both events are emotionally exhausting and can be highly embarrassing especially in otherwise very bright well behaved children.

The key is to become familiar with the triggers and nip it in the bud before it gets to a melt or shut down.

Autism is not a cognitive learning disability, people with autism can be exceptionally clever or can have additional learning challenges.

Speech may seem fantastic and she may have a very wide vocabulary but she may not pick up on conversational cues so the back and forth is limited, may info dump about a favourite topic.

A trip to the park with a substantial snack and drink after school can go a long way to calming their system after school.

You haven’t done anything wrong. She is who she is. Hope that you get the support that she needs.

Absolutely all of this, except the park may be too much. Coming home and allowing her to go to her safe space and do whatever she needs to regulate herself is good.

You are capable of helping her - advocate for her in school, does she have a Sen plan ? EHCP? Any 1:1 support or sensory breaks? Have you had any meetings or spoken to senco?

What helps her? Routine and consistency often helps. Planning and preparation for changes. Opportunity to regulate, self soothe.

Provide her with what she needs, not what your idea of a six year old needs.

Sounds like you're projecting onto her

Time to get reading … find as many books podcasts groups as you can to learn about autism. You haven’t failed your DD she is her own individual… but I do think saying you know nothing or not much about autism will not fly for long time to learn for your daughter

Lots of autistic children struggle with transitions - eg leaving the house. The running off at the school gate could be this, she doesn't like saying goodbye.

OP it's lovely that you've worked hard to give your daughter what she wants. Now time to dig in and work out what she needs (which might not be the same thing!) You need to celebrate the child she is, not the child you wish she would be, if she's going to feel loved and supported and fulfil her potential.

There’s so much misinformation on this thread. Often, autistic people get on very well with other autistic people as they have the same communication style.

This child is only 6 years old - she has plenty of time to develop reciprocal relationships should she want to.

Is there anything else because none of this sounds too out of the ordinary? It’s good school sound like they are on jt. How is she at home? Relationship with you dad and siblings at home? How does she explain not wanting to walk with you? My child is autistic and also v bright but won’t try at school at all, just can’t be bothered and now tries desperately to fit in with peers.

OP, you're at an advantaged point in some ways as your DD is only 6, you have the support of school, as in they're not trying to minimise your DD's problems, and you have the means to pursue a private assessment. If I'd known at 6 that my DD was autistic, there are so many things I would have done differently which would have really benefited us in the long run.

Now is the time for you and DD's dad to immerse yourselves in learning. It can feel onerous, and two of the first things to open to is that your ideas about who you'd imagined your child to be and become are best switched up for a state of open-minded curiosity about who she really is. The second point is about needs: it is a common experience for autistic children to have their sensory needs dismissed as foibles and them being 'demanding', both at home and in school. There is little to be gained by trying to underplay or distract from these, in the hope that your daughter will just have to learn to get on with things: in many cases, things that are fine for other children may be intolerable to your DD, and an expectation of her to 'mask' through it ‐even if she's capable‐ is not in her best interest.

The oppositional behaviour you're seeing is likely down to over-stimulation, overwhelm and anxiety. Try to eliminate these where possible.

You definitely can help your DD, OP. And the first steps include embracing your DD as she is, being kind to yourself as your ideas of what her life might look like will likely need adjusting, learning from sources which embrace autistic experience and really leaning in to supporting her through education, which is where she may really benefit from your informed advocacy.

I understand why you've gone there but you are catastrophising, she's 6, you haven't gone wrong. You sound like caring parents and you're doing the right thing getting an assessment done. You'll learn about it, I knew very little before my middle DC was diagnosed. My DC are all Autistic, my middle DC hit out a lot from about 20 months age, he was frankly violent at home. He couldn't count to 20 at the start of school, was 2 years behind in pretty much every possible way at 5.5, ignored other kids, no friends, couldnt read his own name. He's in year 3 now, it took a lot of work but he's topping his year in maths, reading at level, has a big group of friends and everyone loves him. Whenever he's off school for a day or two I'll get kids, including ones that I don't even know, asking me when he'll be back, along with various subject teachers and TAs.

You may be at the start of a tough journey, but you definetly haven't failed her and even if she is Autistic her life probably won't look anything like you fear right now. My other two DC are also doing well in school and have friends, but not quite as many as my middle DC who I was so afraid for. You're doing the right thing, supportive parents can make a big difference to outcomes. You can learn about autism, she can learn too as she gets older how to manage thing's she finds hard, how to manage sensory challenges, emotional regulation can be worked on. If your on FB and live in a city there may well be a local parents group you can join, their will certainly be larger ones at country level. You can support her through this, they'll be things you can do to make life easier for her. Maybe her tribe will be a bit different, maybe she'll take a different path through life, maybe she won't, but it's very likely those fears in your head right now will be nothing like her life.

Absolutely this. Transitions can be stressful for us. Mixing contexts (e.g. home and school) can feel strange too. This not wanting mum to walk her to school may not be her "not being nice to family" - it may be a way of trying to manage a stressful situation.

With the fighting incidents, do you know what led to them? Autistic children are not more prone to violence naturally, lashing out usually happens when under stress, trying to get someone away from you, etc. It can also be a reaction to perceived unfairness or injustice such as if the bigger boys are bullying other kids. Us autistic folks often have a very strong sense of, and sensitivity to, justice. This can be a positive trait, but she may need to learn to manage how she puts that into practice if that's what she's reacting to.

@Shellly you are projecting adult fears and concerns on to a 6 year old. Autistic or not, she is only 6. Think about how many things you may have done or ways in which you behaved at that age that you no longer did a year or five years later, or as an adult. An autistic 6 year old looks nothing like an autistic adult, and autistic adult lives can be happy and fulfilling. I trained as a psychologist, worked with lots of neurodivergent kids and families, and now work in clinical learning and development. I am married with two autistic DC. Life isn't always typical, but that's ok.

Academically, she is not doing great. She is very bright but she does not put any effort.

OP I mean this kindly but try this.

Go into your kitchen, put something smelly on the hob or in the toaster, if you don't have any smelly food then put a pie of used unwashed socks on the counter.

Now put the radio on at full volume, preferably on a channel playing drill, then start to do star jumps.

OK now you have all that going on, try to read the page of a book.

If your DD is autistic that it what she is putting up with at school. She is putting effort in, more than most if not all children in the class.

Whether she has a diagnosis or not it might be worth you learning about autism and making home as autism friendly as possible.

Don't worry about how she will be as an adult, she is 6.