How to balance toddler tantrum with older child finding them upsetting?

[Cheepcheepcheep]

My 2 year old is having fairly extreme tantrums at the moment - screeching, running away, shaking fists, taking the floor at the moment. My HV wasn’t concerned at the 27 month check, he’s just on the top end of normal in her opinion. His comprehension is good but his speech is still coming on and I get it, my DD wasn’t like this but all kids are different.

I’ve done lots of reading about explosive kids etc and think I’m managing them okay, lots of getting down to his level, naming his feelings, calm chat etc.

The problem I have is that DD (just 4) really struggles when he’s freaking out. She’s quite noise sensitive - hates hand dryers etc - and when he’s screaming she goes very silent, covers her ears, rocks back and forth etc. I try and juggle both when I’m solo, but in order to do all the ‘right’ toddler speaking I can’t be present for her and I feel awful that I can’t be calming her down and reassuring her while I’m trying to deal with him. I don’t want her thinking that her brothers tantrums leave her feeling abandoned, because when he’s having one I really have to be all on him.

If I’m honest, it’s that I adore them both, different as they are, and I don’t want either to think that the other is being prioritised.

Any tips or suggestions would be very welcome! Posting now as often these focus around mealtimes (he is not good with eating) and yet again I’ve just had to leave her eating alone to deal with him. They’re both calm now but I feel really shitty that once again I had to basically deal with him instead of dealing with her feelings about his tantrum. Afterwards I always say something like ‘I don’t like it when DS screams, I know you don’t either as it’s so loud, he’s just learning about feelings!’ But it feels a bit late to be doing that after the event.

I have zero experience so don't think I will be much help. It sounds like you are doing a great job and the best you can. I don't think in those situations you can parent both at the same time. Something I might suggest is trying to carve out some "grown up" time with your daughter without your son, if you can. I know she's only 4, but keep telling her how proud you are of her & what a great big sister she is.( Also what you said here is perfect: 'I don’t like it when DS screams, I know you don’t either as it’s so loud, he’s just learning about feelings'.) I think you are a superhero by the way! Definitely not easy ages.

On a sidenote, people may mention it later but is your daughter ND? Possible sensory issues?

In my opinion, Tiny Humans, Big Emotions is one of the best books when it comes to understanding kids and their emotions. It even includes a similar example and how to handle it. There are many ways to help your son calm down, such as listening to his favorite music or playing with his toy cars. A calm conversation is just one method and may not always be the best option for your child. While he is playing, you could take the opportunity to talk with your daughter. Alternatively, you could let him know that he can engage in his favorite activity for 10 minutes while you talk to his sister, and afterward, you’ll come back to talk with him

@ANightingaleSang thank you! Felt like I was doing a terrible job earlier today so was nice to read that ☺️ ND is possibly a thing, I’ve been thinking about it for me recently (actually had a thread on it for me last week) so definitely one to consider.

@blacksnow really appreciate the book recommendations - have ordered. I’ve been very much on the one plan for calming DS so if there are some strategies for doing it where I don’t need to be completely on him that would help enormously.

Dr. Siggie is great on not needing to be completely ‘on them’ to validate etc. It’s ok to let them ride it out, so you can give him a quick validation, a few comforting mmm hmms and then spend some time talking to your daughter, finding her a quiet room.

What if you ask her for some solutions? Would she like to go to retreat to a certain room where there is a special activity set up already for her, maybe ear defenders or a Yoto with headphones? Special blanket and cushions?