Can I hear some stories of it getting better?

[Alysskea]

2 weeks ago I was a really happy person having a GREAT time with 12 month old baby, playing and smiling all day.

Since then

• I’ve gone back to work
• Baby has contracted a virus at nursery and stopped sleeping. Last night was awake for 5 hours in the night.

The sleep deprivation is killer especially as I’ve got used to her sleeping through. Last night at about 3 I started vomitting from exhaustion and felt like I was going to faint, but still had to rock 13kg baby for an hour and a half.

The mental health impact is also horrendous. I’ve gone beyond tired and I don’t feel any joy in anything anymore. Baby is currently watching ms Rachel for the millionth time this weekend. I can’t bring myself to play and I don’t really want to. I used to wake up looking forward to spending the day with her and not even looking at her right now.

So obviously with feeling like this work feels horrendous and impossible. Sometimes I do late shifts til 10pm and the other night baby was awake 11-3. The only saving grace is that I don’t have to parent.

I am just feeling so depressed. Especially at night time I often get suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to be here - why tf would I nothing is enjoyable?

Has anyone got any experiences of things getting easier with a little one? She is 13 months. Is there any chance I might find a rhythm? Will she ever sleep again?

I feel like I can’t be an employee or a parent. I don’t want to do either.

I think you need to speak to someone ASAP. Yes it does get easier in some ways. Harder in others. Your job sounds exhausting too and you sound like you have too much on your plate.

You feel like this as something is wrong. What needs to change?

I know she needs to sleep, but you sound like something is very wrong with having suicidal thoughts. Retrospectively I was a mess when dd was this age and I wish I had asked for help

The first bit at nursery is really difficult- they pick up all the colds and give them to you. It will probably settle down soon.

Are you on your own? Is there anyone who could help you out for a bit? The lack of sleep plus having to be 'on' at work is tough. When she is better her sleep will improve and you will feel better, but it sounds awful right now.

If you've been up five hours at night then you ring in sick as well. Say you both have a bug. You're not fit for work.

When DC have been ill for extended periods, I've often found it bleak as the joy goes out of life, your own needs are utterly out of the window, you can't go out, everything becomes dull and stressful and monotonous but - it doesn't last. Once they're smiling again you remember why parenting is enjoyable and it's like the sun coming out.

Take time off sick as you need. There's also parental leave which you're entitled to. If you have a partner, make sure they pull their weight.

Don't make yourself sick for the sake of loyalty to your employer - it's not worth it.

Are you on your own?

Do you have a partner? If you have a partner, they should be doing half the nights and half the sick days off nursery. And if you are unwell and because your reserves are depleted, they should be doing all of everything, so that you can get better.

I remember feeling like hell dragging myself to work a lot of mornings when ours were little after next to no sleep op

It's so hard and I remember going to the gp as I knew some of how I was feeling wasn't right.

It's really tough when they are this age and it does get easier once they've built up an immune system and are sturdier

Can someone take your baby for a day so you can just sleep and rest?

She will sleep again, mine are good sleepers but illness does upset it, but they go back to bring good sleepers afterwards.

Is she still ill or is she better but still with disturbed sleep? If the latter, I'd really prioritise trying to get back into your old routine for sleep, etc. Even if that means (for instance) keeping her awake a bit in the afternoon. If she's still ill you might have to grit your teeth and hang in there till she's better - do you have a partner who can help?

It’s fine to take time off occasionally when you need it but there’s only so much time off you can take from most jobs.

Our first winter at nursery (from Oct-around March) was absolutely awful. Between constant awful illnesses and teething I never got a good sleep. There were times where I felt I had to go back to work after a week off but I was hallucinating with sleep deprivation as I hadn’t slept more than an hour or two at a time while DD was sick. My mental health also suffered a lot during this time as well as my relationship as DH was sleep deprived too and gets super grumpy when not sleeping well. I even contemplated asking to be signed off work with exhaustion at one point.

I also previously had a good sleeper and don’t tend to cope that well with sleep deprivation. My work really suffered but luckily it is the sort of job that if I keep up with the most important stuff I could get away with coasting a bit.

It got much better over summer and DD has even been sleeping through the night consistently again. I am just dreading another bad winter now.

Thanks for your replies.

the little one is still a bit poorly though getting better. I don’t know whether sleep will get back to normal or not, cos she’s now used to being fed at night 🙄

I am not on my own but partner does not do nights, does do weekend mornings so I can sleep. Honestly there’s no changing this. I could leave and be on my own but don’t really see how that would help 🙄 They pretty much think their job is more important and harder and I should do the nights.

I could go to the GP but they can’t change anything. I’m already on medication. They can’t take my baby or miraculously give me enough money to not have to work.

I will probably call in sick tomorrow at work or even try to get signed off for a week, there is no family around to take her but she is in nursery 3 days a week. I only get 2 weeks paid leave a year so that’s limited though, I can’t afford to live off statutory for any significant amount of time.

She is currently eating cheese on toast and watching Ms Rachel though so I’ll take the wins where I can get them. I do feel guilty about eating in front of the TV but totally at breaking point.

You do what you can to get through

Honestly there’s no changing this. I could leave and be on my own but don’t really see how that would help

At the very least you wouldn't be living with a horrible cunt.

You're in the trenches.

Right now you need to prioritise sleeping. Will she co sleep? If not, sleep train her without rocking. You can't do that forever, she's too big. Hold her hands, pat her back, but stop rocking her.

This sounds really tough.

What my DH and I did in this kind of situation was a rota so one person slept from 8pm to 1am and the other from 1am to 6am.

I hope you are not driving a car in this kind of state?

Your partner is a selfish arse (unless they do a driving job or are a surgeon or something, while you do a desk job). But the time to tackle that is not right now.

But why are you being hard on yourself about eating in front of the TV?! Do what you have to!

Do you work 3 days? The best thing would be to focus on yourself the other 4 in terms of sleep.

Make sure your contraception is reliable.

Also this aspect does get better. Going to nursery is a big change for the baby too. She and you will adjust.

Is your line manager at work helpful? What kind of work do you do?

Trust me I don’t need any contraception 😂 😂 I work 5 days but share childcare with rota. Honestly I feel like the only days I can look after myself are work days because I have the baby on other days. So I can’t sleep at work obviously but at least I can wee when I want.

Share childcare with your partner on a rota? Is that what you mean? If so, sounds like the rota needs adjusting or you need more paid childcare?

Is your partner aware of how bad it is at night currently? I only ask because my DH sleeps in a different room most of the time and very deeply. He doesn't hear the baby, but if I went to get him to say I couldn't cope and he needed to take over he absolutely would and has done.

Sleep deprivation is nasty stuff. My first didn't sleep longer than 45 minutes (interspersed with 2 hours of screaming and reflux vomiting) until he was near 2. I found antidepressants helpful. And eating at night helps with the nausea, set up a non rustling snack station and water jug for where you need it.

Remove all day time expectations for yourself and rest as much as possible while doing childcare. Set up safe play zones with activities, even wooden spoons and such, so you can at least sit and zone out.

It absolutely will get better, I promise! It feels so hard right now, but you will get through it. Go easy on yourself - stop feeling guilty - this is hard and you're doing what you have to do to get through it.

How supportive are your manager and colleagues? Pretty much anyone with kids goes through something like this at some point, and although you might feel like you need to be super efficient in your role, you might find they're more sympathetic than you'd think, and will cut you some slack.

You've got a partner problem. You need to be sharing the nights. The problem is that as the child gets older it won't be the nights but it'll be school run is your responsibility every day as his job is more important, school admin, clubs, taking days off when child is ill etc etc.

Your partner (female thus contraception smileys?) needs to know you're at the point of exhaustion and mental health problems. Sleep in shifts. Take turns on days off with sick child.

Or see if partner would mind you being sahm, if you lose your job that's where you'll end up, for a bit. If partner doesn't want to be sole earner, he/she needs to step up.

I do really appreciate the responses but nothing is going to change with my partner. Sharing nights isn’t in my future. Thankfully my manager has been cutting me some slack lately though, so work is easier.