Ex's GF badmouthing me to DD

[Pixie378]

Hi all, my DD is only 11 and as her mum I check her phone to make sure she is being safe online.
I recently saw a message on her Lock Screen from her dad's GF saying that I deliberately stopped the kids from spending time with them one weekend.

What actually happened is that I had made plans ages ago that could not be changed. He has provided his 8 week rolling rota but has not added to our shared phone calendar so I can't keep up with when his long weekends off are.

I have asked him many times to tell me his plans in advance not 7 days before as the kids will be invited to parties and other things. He just doesn't bother.

I know I could add his rota to the calendar myself but I am not his mother and he is not my responsibility.

I just don't like the fact that the GF thinks it's ok to say things like that to my DD.

I am increasingly annoyed about the fact that I have stayed well away from having anything to do with his new relationship as I have actually moved on and in a much better place in my life yet they feel the need to scrutinise and criticise everything I do.

She has even stated she is "raising my children" when she only sees them once a month for a long weekend. She has no parental responsibility and seeing as he is still legally married to me she can't even call herself stepmom which she is already doing.

My instincts are just screaming that this woman is trouble and that their dad has not got their best interests at heart. My kids are my world and before anyone suggests I am jealous of his new relationship I assure you I am not as he is emotionally abusive and I have had years of him talking crap to me and having no money as I have supported him through numerous job changes and helping when he had to pay debts.

Thank you if you made it this far, I am just looking for assurance. Planning to get legal advice on my next free day off.

Just email him and her and tell her politely to back off and state the reasons. If she doesn't, then consider legal recourse.

So he gives you a written rota but you want it in a different format? He gives you 7 days notice but you say you want more notice. I’m not sure the new girlfriend is completely the problem. You might not like this but it’s clear you don’t have any interest to work with him and make life easier so I can see why the gf would have said what she said although not appropriate. Don’t involve kids in adult dramas.

how about you work together to make life easier for the kids instead of squabbling about the format of the information you have been given and demanding more than 7 days notice to have access to your shared children

I don’t doubt he was a shit partner, he might be a terrific father though. don’t worry this abusive arsehole will abuse the next girl she just don’t know it yet. Don’t be his scapegoat to be saying to the new girl.. see what she’s like, see what I had to put up with and play the victim card

You are still married - are you getting divorced? If you have a solicitor, get them to address the issue of parental alienation by both your ex and his new girlfriend.

If not, raise it with ex directly.

Document/screenshot new girlfriend’s messages to your daughter for future reference. Then explain to your daughter what actually happened without badmouthing new girlfriend. ‘I think she misunderstood the arrangements’. Get your daughter increasingly involved in her own arrangements for her social life. At 11, she fast approaching the point where she wants to spend time with friends, not parents. And that is when your problem is solved.

Ask him to take the rota seriously as it’s pointless otherwise. You know his gf isn’t raising DD and so does she so I wouldn’t get embroiled in a discussion about gf’s claims unless she escalates them.

Adults squabble; children suffer.

Block her from your daughter's phone and tell them both why you have done it. She has no reason to be messaging her especially if she is going to spew poison in her ears.

Why are you bending over backwards to suit his work? You are no longer a couple. Get a structured contact schedule in place then everyone knows where they stand.

Lets face it, like my ex hes bad mouthin you to her so she hates your guts as to her your this crazy mum he is telling her that you are believe me im crazy baby mum 3 so that tells you alot. Mines also mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive to me but him and his alcoholic dad are experts at this honestly he claimed to his dad ive never hurt her.... Really just cause im the 1st baby mum you havent lifted your hands to makes it ok to destroy me but yeah ok, anyway hes never gonna do as you ask cause he needs this new bit to think your crazy and doing this to hurt him blah blah blah thats how he hooks this next victim in mine did the same and now im the one dealing with damage too so let it be if he doesn't update in advance and kids have plans thats his issue not yours

Block her number on your daughters phone. Explain to your husband via your solicitor that you need him to give you more than 7 days notice due to children having pre arranged engagements such as birthday parties. Point out that his current girlfriend is not raising your children. Request the GF refrains from messaging the children. If gf has issues she should speak to your husband and let him deal with it.

This is really unfair - of course the OP needs more than 7 days notice. If he only see's the children one weekend a month it is not healthy for the children or the OP to only know a week in advance. The OP is being more than accommodating to the ex's rota

He gives her his rotas as soon as he gets them but not in the format she wants. He's given her a 8 week rota which means she's given 8 weeks notice in advance then obviously that's all he can give!
And yes she did deliberately stop them from seeing their dad - she clearly booked something for a weekend when she'd know his visit was coming up.

One thing you have to stick by is love your kids more than you hate your ex; she isn't doing that.

Hello ex’s gf!

Curious how long they've been together for her to have the kids number

Ha ha I thought that too!!

I may be misinterpreting it, but is it not he's given her 8 weeks notice of his rota but because it's not also added to the shared calendar, she doesn't keep up with when his weekends are so then it's only 7 days notice when she's presumably reminded?

@Pixie378 can you clarify?

I don't think 7 days notice is enough (it is for me but if any parties fell on exes time he was take DC so it has no baring on anything) if Dad lives too far away to take them, but if he is giving his rota every 8 weeks then I'm afraid it would look very petty the OP doesn't mark it on her calendar. That's not being resposible for the ex, it's doing whats best for the child.

I don;t agree with PP the new gf should be blocked, all that's doing is causing more conflict and upset for the DC. Someone needs to be the bigger person for their sakes.

Her saying that is not on obviously, so I would definitely tell them both that you do not want your DC involved in anything between the adults. If they refuse to listen, then I would rethink what to do.

What did the message actually say OP? And how do you know she's saying she's raising them?

I'm no one's ex-GF thanks.

But she literally says "he gives me his 8 week rolling rota - but doesn't put it in the calendar so I can't keep up with it"
Then says he only ever gives her 7 days notice.

When I went to school 8 weeks was 56 days not 7!

Not ex-gf just confused how being given 8 weeks worth of rolling rotas means you're only given 7 days notice!

And someone who along with my ex-husband has always lived with the feelings that even though I hate him I know that I have to put the kids first when it comes to allowing them to have a relationship. And also that as we've got kids we'll be in each others lives in one form or another for the rest of our lives!

But if she's booking things knowing roughly when his weekends are - she's getting his rotas 8 weeks in advance but can't be bothered to look because he's not putting them on a calendar it could be seen that she's the one doing the alienation!

I agree. I don't think OP would look good in court saying she's given 8 weeks rota but because he doesn't also do it in a certain way she takes no notice of it. She has the information.

How is DDs relationship with her dad?
From 12 I left it up to DD to arrange her time with her dad, any commitments we had went on our (DD and my) shared calendar and she has to look at that before making plans with him or her friends. It's a bit easier for us as she generally goes on a Sunday but if she can't make it she'll send a "Hi dad I've got a party at X time / going to the cinema with my friends / playing Y sport at Z venue. " and they'll work out whether they skip that weekend, go for breakfast / lunch / pick her up / go to sporting event etc.

Admittedly I book theatre tickets at our regional theatre up to a year in advance, or weekend trips to London so an 8 week rolling schedule wouldn't work, but I would switch days and try and make it up where I went over 'his' time.

Hi, Plans changes all the time in my life within 8 weeks, work, illnesses, family, life events and inconveniences . Surely you can be more flexible/adaptable.
Myself and my Ex we both work full time, we help each other out if we have to cover a shift or there's a celebration of some sort etc.
You come across abit controlling, you are treating your Exs time with your Daughter as a Rota! I understand kids needs routine and stability, but ONCE a month and 8 weeks in advance and bit expecting any changes?!
As for the GF, well I love the fact my kids have a close bond to my partner and my Exs GF. I want them all to get along as FAMILY, and we ALL ensure we can be civil with no prettiness and respectful towards each other. Yes I may get annoyed now and again and I'm sure I may annoy them now and again , but we COMMUNICATE respectfully.
I would hate it if my EX delete/block my partners number because like it or not they are apart of my children's life.
You delete/block the number you will come across as a jealous EX. Be awkward and make things difficult for them to have contact will also make you look like a jealous EX
BTW once a month is not enough contact for your daughter

The girlfriend has absolutely no right to be mouthing off to an 11 year old about their mother whether she is right or wrong!

I did not address the issue of diary management.

My response was about Ex’s New Girlfriend badmouthing the OP to OP’s child.
No matter what the circumstances, that is entirely inappropriate. Children should not be drawn into adult disputes.