Best way to refuse snacks

[Blankiefan]

I have a terrible relationship with food, as does my mum. I've been obese most of my life. I've recently lose 5 stones for the 6th time in my life. I'm now a healthy weight and I'm working hard to maintain in a healthy way with a continued focus on CICO.

I don't diet "in front" of my 10yo DD. We all eat reasonably healthy balanced family meals. I try not to discuss calories in front of her - when we do, we talk about bodies needing energy. Lots of "no bad foods" / "balance is best" / open discussion of macronutrients and the important place they all play / importance of treats & indulgences being part of a healthy diet.

We are active as a family. She does swimming, taekwondo, water polo, me and DH go to gym/cycle/run, and we all walk a lot / go on family bike rides / etc.

But she does love to snack and is carrying more weight than is great. I never mention her weight.

Given all my baggage, I'd love to break the cycle and encourage her to build a healthy relationship with food. I think I've got all the stuff noted above right but I struggle with framing the refusal of snacks. I've tried to get her to make good choices (Is she hungry or bored? Has she thought about what snacks/treats she has had? Does she really need something else as well as x,y and z she's already had today? Would fruit be a good choice right now? Does she want a snack or a treat? Limit treats but have snacks if hungry) - she doesn't do well with making good choices. I have to just say no sometimes.

I am aware I'm probably getting this wrong and putting too much emphasis on it / over thinking it. If I could chill about it, I would but clearly don't have the natural instincts here. Any pragmatic advice?

I would switch to all snacks being fruit or veg and talk about cutting down on UPF

That's a good idea.

She might find she's not actually hungry when faced with a raw carrot instead instead of a slice of carrot cake!

My two have free access to snacks, but those snacks are basically just what's in the fruit bowl, so they can take satsumas and apples and whatever other stuff is in season and not expensive whenever they want without asking, but we don't really have any other appealing stuff in, no biscuits or chocolate, and it doesn't seem to bother them because it's physically not present so they don't really think to ask about it.

They enjoy cake etc and sweets like any kids, but we don't really have them in the house, they might get a pack of sweets at the shop or a cake when we are out etc.

Does she want a snack or a treat? Limit treats but have snacks if hungry) - she doesn't do well with making good choices. I have to just say no sometimes.

This friend method of parenting is rarely good for children. Of course you can say no to her and it should be more than occasionally.
Why is a 10 year old left with the weight of “making good choices”? Of course if she’s faced with the choice of a chocolate biscuit or a satsuma she will probably go for the chocolate!

Get comfortable with the word no, you’re the parent, you’re allowed to say no chocolate after school during the week only on Fridays, or no more snacks before dinner because you’ve already had 2 today.

So, today for example - it being the weekend, she had some treats earlier today so she was told it was fruit if she wanted anything else. She negotiated a bowl of Skyr with berries - which she loves. It's a bowl of natural skyr so not UPF (which is something we also discuss) and has a decent dose of protein... But it's 80 more calories she doesn't need on top of a reasonably calorie-heavy day. In this instance, would you refuse the skyr but allow the berries? How would you justify this to her?

I’d take a different approach.

Is she using food/asking for food when she means something else? Is she bored/seeking connection/ sad/ grumpy/ tired etc and has learnt to ask for food instead of those things?
Is she actually hungry or is it something else?

No I wouldn't just up the fruit in it.
I don't have in treats like sweets biscuits or crisps so it's a deliberate trip to buy it and no multi packs unless it's equivalent to one each then I can't snack on it.

I don’t think it’s healthy to be counting her calories down to these specifics imo.

You need to work on your relationship with health in order to help her.

She can have treats, she can have snacks but they are controlled and at times limited. If she chooses her treat in the afternoon then she doesn’t get a treat in the evening with a movie for example.

Young kids often confuse hunger with boredom or simply want sugar. If you know she’s had a large day of food yet she’s whinging she’s hungry then you can offer something less appealing, an apple and a cracker or something. Often kids will reply “I don’t want thaaaaat”.

But you also need to bear in mind that food intake is better to be considered on the bigger picture, a weekly basis. We aren’t robots who need the exact same amount every day, some days we will be more active and therefore hungrier, other days we will want less. This all goes with you understanding healthy lifestyles and also portion control.
If she is overweight now it’s also down to portion control of main meals too, not just the food on offer. You can overeat on healthier things.