Is this normal behaviour - nearly 6 YO

[Stressedoutmumnow]

I have a DS5, 6 next month.

We are struggling with him a little at the moment. He lacks confidence, says no one likes him etc.

we recently signed him up to a football club with his school friends to build his confidence.

First week he did great. We are 4 weeks in now and it is progressively worse each week. Running away, crying, rolling around refusing to take part.

if they do an activity and he loses or the other team scores runs off crying.

none of the other children do it? Is this normal for a 6 year old?

I also have a suspicion he’s dyslexic but too early to formally know, plus he was slightly speech delayed - if that’s relevant.

no amount of pep talk, bribery anything will get him out of it once he decides he’s not playing (various excuses - tired, upset, he lost etc etc).

I really want him to preserve as I think it could help his confidence massively but he just won’t take part!

if they do an activity and he loses or the other team scores runs off crying.

be honest - have you always let him win when playing games at home? Do you make life easy for him so his resilience is low?

No it's not the average but it is still within the bounds of normal.

He's one of the children who had 2 years of his early development disrupted by covid.

So what childcare did he have before he went to school?

Does he have siblings? Are they younger or older?

How was he socially last year in reception?

Also does he do any activities with other children that are not from his school?

I probably give in a little easier than I should but certainly I don’t think we let him win all the time or anything like that? But I’ll have a think about it.

He was at nursery part time from 1 year old (apart from maybe 6 months ish out when nursery’s shut due to covid).

he has siblings yes. Younger and then one much older (teens).

last year his confidence was knocked abut friendship wise as his secure friendships in nursery changed with the new dynamics of school and he really struggled with that - even now he brings it up!

@Reugny football is mixed with other children. & swimming/occasionally a park run but they aren’t social really.

Aah bless him. I'd take him out of that & try something else. Is there Beavers or something near you? Or perhaps try a different activity that you can join in with him.

What about having 2 or 3 of his pals back to yours to play - does he cope then when he is in his own home and more comfortable?

Or is he sidelined even in a smaller group? You might need to build confidence at home with just one friend back (or 2/3 if that goes well)

Children that are dyslexic - it doesn't just affect reading. It affects organisation and the ability to process information quickly. So - if he is dyslexic - it's hardly surprising that football is not going to be his sport.

There's often an overlap with dyspraxia too - affecting motor skills. Again, footy's not the one!

In fact, boys' sports can be tricky with these kinds of difficulties. I'd get pals round to play and take it from there. See how they gel, what they play with and build on that.

@Topjoe19 hes expressed interest in tennis so could try that and I can see what else we have locally. Just starting to worry about his behaviour and the ‘unregulated’ emotions - not sure how best to help but it just seems like no other kids do this (at least - no where near as often!) so I’m just questioning if there’s maybe something else going on

@Anisty he copes ok in situations where the game is one he likes. As soon as it is one he doesn’t want to play or ‘loses’ the tears start, refusal to take part, lots of ‘I’ve got no friends no one likes me’ 😣

he’s very unable to cope in situations he lacks control. So if we had say 2/3 friends over and they decided to play a game he didn’t want to or if he suggested a game they didn’t want we’d get back into the non coping.

I don’t think he’s got dyspraxia he seems pretty good motor skills wise.

There's a book called "there's a volcano in my tummy" you could try with him, it has a few suggestions for strategies with overwhelming feelings. Lots of schools use the zones of regulation, you could look that up too.
I would focus on supporting him by naming the feeling and sitting with him through it, eg in a kind voice "I can see you feel frustrated because you lost. That's a big feeling. I'm here" then just sit next to him on the floor with calm body language, when he is ready he will probably come for a cuddle. I think distracting him/avoiding the triggers for his feelings doesn't teach him resilience, it just makes life easier in the short term, but it's OK to only have one hobby.
E.g. my dd used to do similar so we cut activities back to just swimming and school, this was the non negotiable. We explained why she had to go and then accepted any more was too much.

I would also recommend thinking about the routines, how much time do you leave to get out of the door for football? Could you get up earlier to make it calmer? Eg if you've already had a stressful, rushed start then he is arriving at the activity like a coke can already shaken up, so one "tiny" thing will trigger his response. If you do decide football is a non negotiable, then make sure he isn't "shaken up" beforehand. Hope that makes sense?

I have always been super competitive and whilst I internalised my stress rather than refusing to play, I can understand the negative feelings that come with losing. For me it’s a lot more fun to practise sport without a competitive element - just having a kick around, not counting points etc.

Perhaps build his confidence and enjoyment by taking the competition out of it for now, and work on handling losing in other ways.

Separately, it sounds like his self esteem is low due to struggling with readjng/writing. Could you find egs of people who are neurodiverse and amazing and childrens stories of their lives to read together?
Make sure you read with him every day without fail.
What are his fine motor skills like in terms of writing? The book "5 minute mum" has superb activities you can do to boost literacy skills at home.
I am sure you already do, but make sure you celebrate the things he is good at, no matter how small, to build him up. Eg "well done for putting your shoes on, you are really good at doing that" "thank you for cuddling me, you give the best hugs"
I also do affirmations with my kids each night, it sounds wanky but I want then to go to sleep knowing these truths "I am strong, I am kind, I am clever". We say them together each day.

His writing is below but otherwise his motor skills are good. He’s great at Lego, coordination seems good etc.

His self esteem is definitely low be something we’re really working on. One of the main reasons I want him to do football is for the social circles it can build for him - not overly bothered about football itself.

Will try out some of the recommendations for the books etc around anger thank you!

its just awful I feel like a terrible mum at the moment because 1. In the 4 weeks we’ve been at football not a single of the other 15 or so children has behaved like it and 2. I literally just feel at a total loss as to how to improve the situation and help him process things/improve confidence

Maybe sports aren’t his thing? What about a group that isn’t built around competition. Something like Beavers or a Forest School session or similar.

Hey, there's loads of us who can't cope with team sports. I can't think of anything I loathe more. It's OK to hate them. It's so pointlessly stressful. And full of opportunity to be defeated, feel like a failure, let other people down. God. I do understand that other people love it, but it's not for everyone.

I think you might be asking if we think that a late speaker with dyslexia and difficulty regulating his emotion might have more neurodiversity than just dyslexia. That certainly could be the case. And if you knew, it might help you distinguish between the usefulness of advice. Eg I doubt that teaching children to lose by being mean works v well for autistic kids.

Don't beat yourself up for him being different, OP. Be grateful your lovely child has a mum who's looking out for him and thinking hard about who he is. One more child in the world with a good mum is a good thing!

Please pull him out of football. It's clearly causing huge stress. Mine didn't respond like yours but would lie down in goal at that age. Football isn't their thing.

Try karate or another martial arts. There's no competition (unless you count the belts) they work hard to build resilience and confidence usually.

@Corksoles thanks for your lovely message. I am trying so hard.

Sorry he’s not confirmed dyslexic (too young) but displays many, many traits that would suggest he is. So I guess my thought was that if that’s likely is other types of neurodiversity likely if that makes sense!

you’re right about the team sports - I just really thought it’d help him socially but I’m starting to think the stress is more than the potential benefit

@HamSandwichKiller yes we won’t be going back. Good suggestion about martial arts that’s not one of considered!