4 year old HATES school

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My little girl turned 4 at the end of August and started reception just over a week later. During the first couple of weeks when the days were staggered, she was excited and really enjoyed going in. She started full time last week and after two full days she has had enough and absolutely hates it. Every morning she fully breaks down saying she doesn't want to go, and when we get to the school doors she clings to me for dear life and screams bloody murder when the teachers have to rip her away from me. Any time she spends at home she is consistently telling me that she doesn't want to go back tomorrow, she doesn't like it, she misses me so much and it makes her feel really sad. It's keeping her awake at night where she'll start sobbing and saying she doesn't want me to take her to school in the morning. I can't sleep myself because I'm so anxious about it all and hate leaving her in such a state.

I've tried everything, special treats for going in, speaking so positively about school and telling her how lucky she is to get to have so much fun! I sent her with a packed lunch today because she says that lunchtime is scary. She was walking in with her best friend but she doesn't even want to do that now.

School have said that she settles after a little while, and she does have fun when she's there. But before I've even got her back to the car she's begging me not to make her go back.

There are no issues with other children so I have no concerns re bullying or teasing. I think she's just totally overwhelmed by school at such a young age and I don't know what to do to help her. Any suggestions welcome as I feel sick at the thought of drop off and have cried in the car every day this week. I do hold a brave face infront of her and tell her what fun she's going to have etc

That's a very young age for full time school. Can you defer for a year?

I did ask about deferring but they said she would end up skipping year R and going straight into year 1 next year so she wouldnt be any better off

It's sad we send them so young in this country. It's too young especially the summer born ones. I would honestly defer, they don't have to be in until the term after they turn 5 and don't have to join straight into year one, they can start reception again next year and be one of the older ones in the year below x

I don't think they like people doing it so will try to put you off but do some research - my friend has done it this year and her august baby joined reception a year later xx

I agree with @lollydu they scare you and say you will have issues for high school etc. I have friends who have done it and they have had no issues at all. Other than parents calling to check their child is really 6 for a birthday party!
If it is an option for you as a family I would look into it quickly, you never know she may settle while you’re enquiring.

That's not strictly true. As she's summer born she won't be legally obliged to be in school until September 2025 so you can remove her and reapply for reception next year.

You will have to get the agreement of the head / Local authority to do this - but the guidance clearly states that the school must demonstrate why it is in your daughter best interests to miss out on the crucial reception year and go into year 1 directly. This is almost impossible for the school to justify (as they will almost certainly agree that reception year is incredibly valuable) and so you stand a good chance they will agree she can join reception next year after all.

Many schools don't know or understand the latest guidance re summer borns - it is a very outdated myth that children will have to start in year 1 - and so if you point out the appropriate policies they should reconsider their stance.

Flexible Admission for Summerborns on Facebook is an excellent source of information and can talk you through every step.

She does not legally have to start school until next September, that being the term following her 5th Birthday. If she hates it so much and you can do so I would pull her out. If more people did that then schools would have to adapt to allow children to start when they are ready and not when someone has decided to push education.

This is really helpful and something I will definitely be considering, thank you for bringing this option to my attention - I was totally shut down when I asked about it at the application stage. My only worry if I pull her out now would be that I'm just confirming to her that school is horrible and it'll give her anxiety for starting next year. We've gone through the whole process, she graduated from her preschool with all of the older ones and they are now full so I would have to find her a new preschool setting. I just don't know what to do for the best I don't want my bubbly little girl to end up broken because she was pushed before she was ready

At her age I doubt she'll think about it all that deeply. All she'll know is that you took her from a situation she was struggling in and made her feel safe again. A year is a loooong time at this age and so by the time you get back round to next September she will be a while year older and much more emotionally equipped to start school so a lot of those questions will be moot.

Awe poor thing, my end of aug baby is supposed to start next sept and I’m dreading this. I was wondering if I could defer til at least jan, to give her a few more months, not sure if possible though.

What is the school like? Are there any other options nearby? Just wondering if she is doing lots of fun learning through play, which they should be at that age. If not it would be horrible for such a young one. I would look around and try to find out exactly what they are doing in reception. Also if lunch is scary, how are they supporting her?

When my dd was that age she did 2 - 3 days a week of school. It's not compulsory yet so can you just let her do a bit here and there she probably just needs a slow easing in. Is that practical / workable?

I would not want to push through that level of distress with a 4 year old.

I would personally give it a bit more time. My son is August born and it took him a good half term to adjust when he started. I think when they first start, they tend to get very tired and that often makes them more emotional as well. If they say she settle well once there, it could just be that she adjusting to it.

@scandiva did you find that she missed out on much by only doing certain days? I am thinking part time could be a good idea for her, starting at 3 days a week) but I would worry that on days she isn't in, the class will make friendships that she will be left out of because she isn't there all of the time/she won't catch up as quickly as the others because she's there less so practising her phonics etc less (although I could do this with her at home on her days off) x

No she was fine. At that age friendships are very very fluid. I do think her grounding in academics suffered but she caught up in year 1/2. And ultimately her happiness came first.

Did they attend preschool or nursery beforehand? Were there issues there?

Some children take longer to adjust to new surroundings; certainly 5 days a week is a big change. Plus the tiredness which comes with starting reception.

Give it some more time.