How to do anything without baby?! Help!

[caif90]

Hi All,

I'm almost 4 months pp, EBFing and hoping to try and get my haircut at some point!! My hairdresser is based in London but I live outside in Surrey.

Trying to work out how it's possible to do this?! I'm expressing milk so could conceivably leave baby with husband but got to be honest, I haven't left him for more than an hour or so with baby and although I trust he'd look after her, I worry because at the moment I look after her 24-7 while he's working and he never feeds her himself - even with an expressed bottle. I can read her hunger signs but not sure he'd be able to?! Maybe this is unfair of me to say! And possibly first mum anxiety!!

Second option is travelling with baby and taking her with me - although a step free journey takes close to 2hrs and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to hold / feed her while getting my hair washed and cut etc

Third option is asking my parents if they're around to look after her if we drive to theirs. Then I can pop into town without her but the round trip would be lengthy and I'd still need to express milk for them to feed her. In all honesty, they should come secondary to my husband actually parenting - as opposed to my parents "babysitting".

Please let me know how you managed this?! I feel like I can't leave the house without her for more than an hour or so at the moment and that's kind of absurd!

He needs to learn her hunger cues as you also did. Let him feed her whilst you are there. Then I would leave him with her gradually increasing the time. Use a local hairdresser or even better a mobile one for now to make life easier!!

I really recommend a very light buggy. You can then carry baby and buggy down the stairs on your own.

Also get DH to start caring for baby solo or you will end up doing absolutely everything from here onwards. Set the tone now while baby is very young.

If it helps I live in Surrey too (Stanwell) and can recommend Theas Hairdressing (mobile Hairdresser). Not sure where you are but might be worth a try?

Yes I live in London and everyone has a Yoyo or Butterfly, I just lift it myself with baby inside and can travel to any tube station. So much better than fighting the buggy wars on the slow buses!

For appointments I've always picked places near DH's office, we're lucky that his work are happy to have families visiting and he'll watch DD for an hour or so at his desk.

Don't get a bloody home hairdresser, get your husband onboard!

Fuck being tied to the house, honestly couldn't have lived like that.

Agree with all the practical suggestions - Dah comes and takes baby for a walk, you find a different hairdresser, etc.

BUT - it's is incredibly important that your DH gets used to looking after the baby one on one without you around, and that the baby gets used to this too. When the baby was born, neither of you were experts in the baby. You have become the expert because you have so much time with her. Totally understandable when you are on mat leave and EBD. But that can become a dangerous pattern and you see it so much on Mumsnet - women saying that they can't go out in the evening (even to a work event) because their DH doesn't know how to put the toddler to bed, doesn't know how to get the 5 year old to eat dinner, isn't any good at reading or practitioner g spelling with the 7 year old, etc. you can read the baby's hunger signs because you are with her all the time. If your DH has a few hours with her on his own, he will learn to read them pretty fast too! And it will massively boost his confidence about being alone with the baby.

This is where Scandinavian countries that give 9 months mat leave to to the women and then 3 months paternity leave to the man are brilliant - forces dads to learn the hands on practical stuff first hand and build the bond while the child is young, and creates a society where men unable to look after their own children alone are regarded as pathetic.

So many typos above - sorry

With a similar aged EBF baby, my husband came with me and the baby into town, I fed her before my appointment and then he took her elsewhere whilst I had my appointment, worked absolutely fine. Once she was older and going longer between feeds it was obviously easier to just leave her at home with my husband.

This thread made me sad.
No wonder mums get burnt out.

Go get your hair done and your husband can learn to parent his child fully!!!

Is it that the fathers don’t want to parent their children or is it the mothers won’t let them? From reading numerous Mn threads, I would say it’s in many cases, the mothers won’t let them.

I agree BUT I don't breastfeed. I think mothers who breastfeed need to care schedules more, I dunno, I'm beginning to realize I hit the jackpot with my husband.

He doesn't do her baths - I do unless I request (rare) but feeds, sleep, things to be bought, nappies, constipation, vaccines, he's doing all. I've said a few times he's a great dad and he's dismissed it like it's not important, but actually our daughter shows him the same huge smiles she shows me. She doesn't seem to love me more, she's attached to both of us. We're both bringing something to this baby.

I won't even say 'holding the fort' as it implies imbalance. Partnership

I did some research though and the early months are more difficult for men - they're more playful (great for later). Things like super noisy kisses and that kind of fun are shown to be less natural with dads, so we gently teach it to father's.

Can you share the research? Don’t agree with it - DH and I were new parents together - we both had to learn. He is an equal parent, always has been. Did bottles, nappies and bath time from day one. Has bought their birthday present, knew when they needed new shoes and dentist appointments etc

DH is a really equal parent but at 3 months when I was EBF, he wasn't looking after the baby for several hours on his own. That just wouldn't have worked.

He did other stuff, nappies, cooking for me, etc but I think it's unusual for a father of an ebf baby to be in sole charge for more than an hour or so at 3/4 months. From 6/7 months it becomes easier IMO

Having said that, am a bit confused by what's going on with expressing for the OP - if the baby takes a bottle, that is different

Very similar to my husband - full hands on. I'll send it over the next few days if that's okay? But yeah, I'll send it 😌

@soberholic you're right there is research around this and that the 'happy bonding' hormones for men are released through play. I'm not saying men don't need to step up and learn how to parent their children equally but I do also think it can be harder for men in the baby stage especially when the baby is breastfed as they can feel quite helpless sometimes. Baby is programmed for survival and often that will mean they want to be with their source of food. Obviously there are ways round this and men can, and do, step up but it isn't always easy and takes a lot of conscious effort with expressing and bottles etc.

My husband is great with the kids but he struggled during the baby stage. It didn't come naturally to him, he really had to learn what to do and if baby just wanted to be with me there wasn't much he could do. My eldest is 3 now and he is 100% equal when at home (infact I'd argue she actually prefers her Dad). He knows how to parent her and much more confident now he feels he's more actively involved. My baby is also 8 months and I've been able to start leaving him now too but at 4 months I don't think this would have been ideal (possible, but I doubt baby would have been too happy) so in my experience it does even out in time if you give them chance to find their way.

In your position I would either wait until baby is a few months older or take your husband with you to care for baby whilst you get your hair done.

@Parker231 this is such a complete message I've nothing to add!

Can you find a closer hairdresser just until baby can reliably be left without needing a feed? Mine is 4 months old and I had my hair cut and coloured last weekend. I fed her before I left and then she slept for the 2 and a bit hours I was gone (typical!!) and then I fed her when I got back. Mine is only a 20 min drive away so makes that doable.
At some point you are going to have to let your husband care for his child! Obviously he is not going to do it the same way as you, and may miss hunger cues etc but nothing awful is going to happen in a few hours. If the worst comes to the worst baby will just cry 🤷🏼‍♀️ As long as he changes nappies and has a bottle to give then the rest is up to him. The earlier you can get him involved (which is ridiculous because he is the dad!), the more freedom you will get and the better you will feel.

This kind of thread makes me really glad that (a) I have an equal relationship and (b) I don’t give a shit who chops the ends off my hair every 6-12 months 😂

DT’s were solely bottle fed so many of these points aren’t relevant. DH was an equal parent from day one but from reading this thread, I was obviously very lucky

Pumping didn't work for me, so if I needed to go out for an event or something for more than two hours DH would bring the baby and lurk nearby, and bring the baby to me when I needed to BF. Then take them away again.

I have a completely equal relationship but because I chose to EBF and couldn’t express DD was with me by default in those first 6 months. But during that time DH did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc so I didn’t lift a finger apart from baby. Equal doesn’t have to mean the same.

If you've not been away from the baby for long before, 5 hours is too long (2 journeys of 2 hours plus hour for cut). You'll miss her and your boobs will turn into cannonballs.

So dh comes with you or you go somewhere more local.

As for dh needing to step up - it's entirely normal for bf mothers to be close to babies 24/7. If you need a break, that's fine but it's not problematic to be with your baby if that works for you. I don't like the mindset of 'everyone needs a shot at feeding the baby'. That's the kind of thinking that pushes women into stopping bf before they're really ready to.

Didn't really elaborate in my original post but like you, since I'm EBFing it feels more tricky to leave baby for a longer period of time. I can't always express enough for her to be left hours at a time.

My husband takes her for 1-2hrs every morning before work so I can go to the gym, then in the evenings so I can have a bath and chill out without her for a bit. But during the day he's working. Then he does all the bottle washing / sanitising, sorts the dishwasher, makes me breakfast every day to help while I'm breastfeeding her as soon as she wakes up, helps with nappies at night etc.

At the moment, I'm expressing and trying to freeze as much as possible for when I go back to work but I do tend to give a bottle in the evening myself because I only get about 60ml which means she then needs to go back on the boob before bed because 60ml just isn't enough unfortunately. She's still hungry.

Like you, it's not that my husband isn't necessarily parenting but I do think it becomes easier possibly to leave them for longer periods once they start weaning? 120ml of milk (2 x 10min double pump) is just about enough for one feed. If I left her for 4-5hrs, I don't think that'd be enough to leave him with and we're really trying to stick with breast milk as opposed to combi feeding or formula (that's just our personal preference).

Thanks for this. Yes, unfortunately I think biologically baby is more likely to want me / the boob for comfort. When I leave her with my husband in the mornings / evenings, she can scream the house down until she's back in my arms. But he will walk round the house with her, rock her, sing to her, shush her and generally try to comfort.

But interesting that there is research to suggest men as better during the "play" stages of children. He keeps saying how he can't wait to read to her more and take her on adventures so I think it is a little more difficult in the baby stage, and naturally baby does just want mum a lot of the time having been in the womb previous to birth.