Contemplating separation from my toddler's dad - what do I need to know?

[DangleDonkey]

I am in a complete mess emotionally. I'm pretty much coming to terms with the idea that I want the relationship with my partner (not married) and dad to our 2 year old to end, as I don't love him anymore and he is emotionally unavailable, despite years of conversations about this plus some couple's therapy. I feel like so much content I see / songs I hear / quotes I read are strengthening my resolve (like I read something earlier about 'breaking up is OK, starting again is OK etc. but what's not OK is staying in a relationship where you're unhappy, unappreciated and unvalued' - and I am all those things).

BUT I don't have close lone parent friends so I can't talk to anyone about what this might look like. My partner is a decent man and I can't see a future where he'd fuck me over or our little girl. I think we'd go into this with 50/50 in mind. But I'd love to hear from others some of the things I might not be thinking about, the pitfalls I don't even know exist yet. What is being a lone parent like? Even if the other parent is a good man?

Briefly, we're not married, own the house together but I have a 90% stake. My wage is decent enough to live on though not sure if I'd be able to/ want to stay in the same house. I've checked and I'd be eligible for a small UC amount. Partner earns more as he's FT while I work 4 days - if I was FT we'd be on similar money.

I've thought for so long about asking for advice on here about this related but avoided it because I wasn't ready to hear what people would inevitably say. I feel ready now and as I say, my mind is almost made up. I'm very fragile, though so please be kind x

Bumping, as posting in the middle of the night has obviously sent this wayyyy down

I’m sorry no one responded, I saw your message in my lunch break but didn’t have time to respond. I’m afraid I’m not in the same situation as you as I’m in a couple but it doesn’t mean I can’t sympathise and I’ll try to offer some perspective from friends I know who split/didn’t split with children.

I think you need to make sure it is 100% what you want, as it is needs to be permanent (one of my friends (now 40) has parents who got married 3 times and divorced twice and it really messed up her childhood as her parents were off and on so much). Also I would add, the first few years of having children is brutal I think most couples end up a bit like housemates going through the motions and it takes time for the children to grow up a bit to feel like you get yourself back. You say your partner is a good man, I know you may not be in love any more but do you still love him as a father/friend and could see the love growing if you had more time together? Have you actually told him how unhappy you are?

From friends that split, those with involved partners found it harder, it is suddenly all on them in their contact with no help/back up, whereas they used to have a partner to help, if you’re doing it all yourself anyway to some extent it’s no different. Financially it’s hard, you have the same incomes but are now supporting 2 households (even with a bit of UC).

I’ve also got a friend that stayed and TBH her and her husband are so much better now, her child is at uni, they still have their moments where she gets annoyed but on the whole she is happy, she has hobbies she enjoys, goes away with her friends without her DH (which she couldn’t afford on her own) and also has nice holidays with him. Is she in love with him - probably not but it works, she loves him in her way and has found d a way to be happy with what she’s got.

I would say, you only have one life, live it as you want, only you can know what is best for you and your child and maybe speak to a friend/family member about how you are feeling but I would have a really honest conversation with your partner and try to make time for each other (which I know is hard with a small child).

I think you need to be absolutely sure this is essential to your wellbeing. Because it costs. You will lost 50% of time with your child. You will lose out financially. He will find somebody new, they always do, you may do and be happy or you may remain alone, so you can lose more emotionally hard as that may be to imagine. It sounds like you may lose your home and need to start again. It may make him and wider family deeply unhappy and that can affect your peace of mind for a long time.

That's a lot to put at risk. If you can read all of that and think you still must do it then you are probably in the right head space to leave.
But brace yourself.

You need back up childcare that doesn't rely on him. You need people to talk to in the evenings. You need realistic finances that do not depend on him. And you need to be absolutely sure first.

Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed replies. I'm very aware of not making any rash decisions and am trying to allow myself time and space to make this decision, if indeed there is any decision to make. I'm struggling to know if I want to end this relationship because I'm depressed, and as our daughter grows and I feel like myself again that I won't feel this terrible anymore, and therefore won't feel the need to leave the relationship. I know that my life would be harder in lots of ways as a lone parent (the house, childcare, not seeing my girl every day, the emotional impact etc etc etc) and I can't decide if living more 'truthfully' - as in not being with someone I don't love anymore and who seems to be bad for my emotional wellness - is a price worth paying for that.

Honestly, I've never felt safe and secure emotionally in this relationship and that makes me so sad to reflect on. I don't want our daughter to think that this is what a relationship should be. I also can't see my partner really doing the work (actually, any work) to make our connection better, and I'm tired of trying.

So difficult.

Hay sounds like you have spent a long time over this,how does partner feel, does he know what your thinking, will he have somewere to live ,
Childcare for when your working will he agree to support you and not make it difficult,

Property, will he expect his share meaning will you could you buy him out,
All above needs a conversation with him, great if you could stay in the home, this gives you some breathing space to settle into new life and time for DD to adjust to changes, and maybe down the line move if it helps, support network around you helps or just a good friend to meet for a coffee and chat, you know how you feel and know the relationship not for you anymore, that's a start, hope partner and you can agree on forthcoming changes and make that work for all 3 of you,

I feel you OP.

I feel I am in a similar situation. Me and DP have lost any closeness. I really think we would be happier apart. We also have a 2 year old DS.

My partner is consumed with his work. He is work obsessed. It means any time we might get together he chooses to work. We have spoken and spoken about things and he just doesn't understand the issue. Says "work is just busy right now" .. it has been just busy for about 4 years.

I am the main earner in our family and he earns a decent wage but nothing close to justifying the hours he does.

The thought of the logistics is terrifying. Although we would sell our home and I may just be able to buy a house of my own thinking about money, being alone, childcare, the impact on my son... it really does mess with your head.

We have good times and part of me thinks we should try some couples therapy. The other half of me thinks life is too short to just be somewhat happy.

Very little advice - just a bit of solidarity.

Happy to chat any time you want.