Difficult one year old

[Veryxonfused]

Hi all,

My daughter is 15 months old and I’m struggling at the moment. I’ve posted about her in the past as she was a ‘high needs’ baby. She’s very funny and clever, knows lots of words (about 40 words now) and INSANELY energetic and headstrong. She’s just an absolute whirlwind. She’s always been a terrible napper (serious FOMO) but even since newborn has slept very well at night (most nights).

The problem is I’m just worried at the moment I’m creating a monster by giving into her demands all the time. And i just feel like she seems to be more difficult than many other toddlers combined. Her favourite word is ‘no’ which she says about 900 times a day. She’s constantly getting into danger, always tries to climb down stairs. Her screams are so ear piercingly loud and it feels like they’re every 5 seconds. She won’t go in the pram at all (never has really). Has to be carried but if she’s carried she wants to be up, then down, then up, then trying to run in traffic, climb on things etc. Throws her head back and headbuts/screams if you don’t give into her immediately. She started nursery this month and they have described her as ‘spirited’ and they’re trying to deal with her crying to get her own way and also struggling with her not sitting still at lunch time

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with her? I think the main thing is because a lot of her tantrums are loud and public I just quickly rush to give her whatever she wants because I’m mortified about everyone staring which obviously isn’t ideal. The only thing that really works to get her to stop kicking off is distracting her, chatting to her etc.
Whenever I’m around other parents/toddlers/babies it’s so obvious how much more difficult and demanding she is and it’s quite depressing. But obviously she has her positives too it’s just getting me down today

Sorry you are struggling, but stop giving into her demands, it will only get worse otherwise.

My 3 year old still screams and stamps her feet, creates a right fuss in public but I tell her no and hold firm.

I know it’s hard when people are staring but quite often it’s a sympathetic look and if it’s not just ignore them!

Can you get some toddler reigns? They were a life saver when my daughter started walking.

She sounds as though she may have ADHD. Worth speaking to your HV but I agree with PP about their advice

I know - my reasoning for always giving in is it feels like there’s no real cut off point of her being a baby and it being totally fine to do everything she wants and her being a toddler and ‘spoiling her’ if that makes sense?

But I feel like me writing all this out feels like the cut off point & I am going to try from now on😬

Yes I have toddler reins but she tries to run too far, falls over and has a tantrum lol

No offence she’s 15 months old- it’s a very physical, limited understanding hellish age. Baby proof, and spend your days wearing her out by living in parks and soft play. My youngest walked at 9 months, and dropped her naps at 20 months. When she’s demanding try distraction.

Yeah that sounds pretty much like our life right now. Just having one of those days

I think this question of when to start being firm with toddlers is really tricky. When they're still babies and used to having every need met, and then you suddenly start posing limits (which you can see further down the line does help with behaviour). But it must be so confusing for them.

Sorry not helpful, just a musing.

My daughter is 14 months and sounds much like yours so solidarity there because it’s hard work!!
Thankfully she will nap in her cot during the day so I do get that break but the rest of the time it’s full on.
I don’t agree with previous poster about ADHD, maybe she does have it maybe she doesn’t but at 15 months I wouldn’t go looking for a diagnosis.
I genuinely think it’s their personality!
I also really struggle to know how to respond to her demands as she’s so little there really isn’t an easy way to reason with her and also limited understanding.
I just pick my battles if it’s dangerous then remove from situation.
Hopefully it’s an age thing and in time things will improve as their understanding does!

My dd is 14 months and she only knows about five words so that’s amazing.

I don’t know that giving into demands is necessarily a bad thing. Obviously if it’s something dangerous or unhealthy that’s different but if she just wants something does it matter?

My first was like this. I remember crying because she wouldn't watch to even for five minutes.

Reins. A plain set. Tucked in to back of her. So you can grab them. Then get out and go. Big walks. Lots of fresh air. Sounds crazy. But it did us both the world of good. Mine would climb hills and still does. The others absolutely not.

I think the two things for me were
Channel that energy, so walk, run, fresh air it out

And two

Recognise the difference between energy and over tired. That's harder. But my first became almost manic with energy when she was in fact exhausted

Exactly this. You’re always told you can’t spoil a baby, but when do we stop counting them as a baby? It’s also so easy to blame on illness, teething etc when you can’t understand or communicate with them

Ultimately you are in control and physically bigger than her. Stop responding emotionally and in a panic.

When you know the tantrums are just attention seeking or whinging (as opposed to genuine distress) ignore, grey rock and physically pick her up and put her where she needs to be. Even if you have to deliver an Oscar winning performance, just sustain it. Be lovely attentive mummy as soon as the behaviour improves. Rinse and repeat.

She’ll soon realise what behaviour gets her the attention she wants.

Agreed I’m not overly keen on getting her diagnosed with anything so young and kids change all the time although I guess it could be worth bringing up.

Hopefully it gets better for us both! It’s so hard sometimes and I’m really not sure I’m cut out for it but I’m still surviving 😂

and think as well about over stimulation. Both my dd and a friends son were exactly this in a busy environment. We put it down to lockdown but it could also be personality.

Her wee boy is my absolute playgroup success story.

And finally, don't worry about what people think, ever. The majority of us have been there and any look is nothing but sympathy.

Yeah she absolutely loves being outside she’s totally feral - but anywhere that’s gated off is ideal because she does not follow us at all she loves to run off in the wrong direction. I’m dreading the winter because this summer has been ideal - I just let her roam in the garden and she’ll just run round for hours lol

Sounds a bit like mine (except she didn’t sleep at night) she was a terror, I cried a lot. What I found helped was exercise, lots of exercise, as much as you can possibly get her to do. Get down on eye level when you need her to really hear you, look her in the eye and give her instructions. If she kicks off straight back home. You can’t be scared because she’s upset when you say no to something, mine could tantrum for ages but then she would calm down eventually and I would hug her and tell her I love her but I would also stay where she could see me and just say “when you want to you can come over here and we can have a cuddle”. I also sometimes make mine laugh which breaks the tantrum and then when it’s calm talk to her about what happened in simple terms.

Some kids are just stronger willed than others or have shorter fuses or get frustrated more easily. They have their own little personalities.

I'd say pick your battles. 15 months is very young and there are obviously things you have to hold firm with but you can't spend all day battling. She does however need to learn that tantrums will not get her what she wants or I promise you your life as a toddler mum will be a million times worse.

My DD would never want to sit at a table to eat for long, I think that's normal. She also would rarely go in the pushchair without a fuss. I still get 'carry mummy' multiple times a day and she's nearly 3.

It sounds like she's got loads of energy and her brain is developing very fast and it's probably overwhelming for her too. I really notice with mine that she mirrors my energy, so if I get frustrated with her she immediately ramps up - so I have learnt to try and always keep very calm when she's having a tantrum and just let her scream and occasionally explain calmly why she can't have another ice cream etc. - I get that it's super hard when you're out, but you need to let go of what others think. Only idiots will be judging you.

It's probably just a phase, let her run wild as much as possible. Spirited toddlers may be hard but you'll be super proud of her when she's older for being able to fight her corner. Solidarity!

@Flibflobflibflob @Screamingabdabz appreciate the advice - I’m definitely going to make more of an effort from now on. I feel like I’ve been doing a half arsed job of it. I’ll tell her no/stop etc but then I don’t really mean it and just give her whatever. I just get too overwhelmed by her kicking off and want her to stop. But she’s definitely at the age I could start introducing discipline - especially if her nursery are starting to as well

@Edenmum2 yeah she definitely mirrors my energy a lot of the time. And I think because I say ‘no’ so much to her when she kicks off or does something she isn’t supposed to, she is mirroring me there too. I’m basically stropping back at my 15 month old and she sounds just like me sometimes 😂

Moan away it’s awful- I love a newborn and love a 3yr old- the bit inbetween was so hard! But it’s totally normal.

Yes exactly. We need to talk more about this.
I always find myself saying "she's teething!" when actually I know it's a lot more complicated than that.
We like to put our kids at a distance, say something external is happening to them, because it's sometimes overwhelming to address the complexities of our relationships. Of course it's a lot to do with teething etc., but not just.

A tip I found useful with my first was to accept that their language is very limited. So rather than doing the whole "come on poppet, it's time to put our coats on now", literally just say "coat" ten times in a firm but kind way. They don't care about politeness until they're five or something, so no need to say all the words when one will do.

I have 2 adult children and 4 grandchildren. However I still
remember those toddler days! I rarely gave parenting advice to my children unless asked but the one thing I did tell them was remember, what’s funny at 2 isn’t funny at 5.

Children need boundaries to feel secure. Good behaviour is rewarded, bad behaviour has consequences. Even a toddler understands the word no. They will push the boundaries. Being firm
and consistent is the key although it’s hard work. However you hopefully will be rewarded eventually by a child whose behaviour is acceptable.

I would not agree with previous poster re ADHD. This is the classic age for this type of behaviour.