How to be a parent that a teenager can talk to

[SweetPea201]

Hello everyone, new poster really so apologies if this post isn't as articulate as some I read on here!
I have an 11 year old child and have recently been thinking about my own childhood and parents. Just want to start off by saying I had a lovely childhood and I am still close to my parents now but like all of us I sometimes reflect on things I feel my parents did brilliantly and things I maybe feel I would like to do differently with my own children.
The biggest thing for me I have always wanted my children to feel like they can speak to me about anything if they need to, I really hope they can see me as a warm, loving mum who will support them and understand they make mistakes. For me personally I always felt I couldn't speak to my parents if I needed advice or to tell them I had made a mistake, in particular my teenage years so drinking, sex, boyfriends all the usual things!
I can quite put my finger on why I felt like this, I think I always felt like I was going to be in trouble, embarrassed etc. I have spoken to my brother about this and he says he felt the same so there must be a reason behind this.
Even now in my thirties I would feel shameful telling them I got too drunk or something silly like that!

The reason I am posting is with my own children rapidly approaching the teen years, I wondering how I keep the lines of communication open? I want them to know I understand, can relate , we all make mistakes etc. For those who have this kind of relationship with their teens/ grown up children please share your tips.

I Hope this makes sense as i have been thinking about posting this for a while!

I don’t have teen kids but I’m in my 20’s (with a baby of my own now) and I have always had that kind of relationship with my mum and I’m so grateful for it. She always stressed to me and my sister that there was no problem or mistake we couldn’t get through together, she was always there for us, never had to invade our privacy by checking phones etc because she knew we’d go to her if we needed help or support, and I suppose mostly she always made it clear that she was ALWAYS on our side, even when we’d made a mistake she could get us through it. We both went to her with everything and I still do now, she was the first person I went to when I got my positive pregnancy test last year, before I’d even told my husband I went to see my mum to get a cuddle and a “it will be okay” , I want to be exactly that kind of mum to my own daughter! X

That's amazing and definitely the kind of relationship I hope to have!
Thank you for sharing

I'm late 40s with preteen kids but I agree.

I think I have a really good relationship with my young adult dds, they know they can come to me with anything, hopefully. My mum was so judgemental and never let on that she could ever have made a mistake in her life, so I definitely didn't tell her anything. My girls talk to me a lot, and I love that.
I've always been quite open with my dc, we don't hide things from them, they know we have flaws. Ironically, I think that helps them feel they won't be judged (as I've probably done worse at some point in my life!)

I’m early 40s and my mum was like yours, and still now acts surprised if I omit to tell her something!

I had a close friend in my teen whose mum had her at 19 and the mum would often sit in the bedroom with us giving out friendly advice about boys.

I have a primary aged child and hope to be the second type.

Listen. Really listen. Don't interrupt, don't question, just listen. Discussion and debate can come at another time.

I've always found that going on walks and car journeys are great for listening time - no eye contact seems to lower teenage defences somehow...

I’ve just ordered a book called ‘helping mothers to be closer to their sons’ by Tom Golden after hearing him speak and thinking he had useful things to say ( have put one of his tips into action and it works!)

I think listen, really listen. It’s important. My youngest when he was five pulled me up when he said, ‘you are not listening, you are answering.’ Wise words.

Well according to my DC's friends parents I get much more information than them so I must be doing something right - my advice is
Talk to them about your stuff too
Be human, admit you make mistakes and get things wrong
Pick your moment if you want to ask anything (food works well here)
Don't ask too many questions about what they are telling you
Ask opinions on what they tell you - do YOU think that was right/ok etc?
Don't react, be unshockable
Be casual about asking things, don't sit down for a "big talk"

my tip, which I worked out the hard way, is don’t be judgemental about anything you are told. Just nod and say ‘yeah’. Wish I could go back in time and take my own advice

Love these replies. My DD already tells me about her 'crushes' so I'm hoping on the right track! I would of been so embarrassed to mention anything of the like 😂
It's strange because my mum did tell me about some of her teenage mistakes so it wasn't like she pretended to be perfect. I was always a good sensible quiet child but feel like I spent a few wild teenage doing all the things my parents had told me not to all in secret though! Maybe standard in some ways.
The funny thing is, I think if I was able to actually get past the telling part, they would have been there for me. This is what makes it confusing as it was something that made me have a fear of telling them, we definitely didn't have an open relationship which I'm hoping i can have with my own children.
thank you for your replies.

Validate their feelings. You don't have to agree with their opinions, but don't tell them they have no right to feel the way they do. I use the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way, can you tell me more about it?"

And yes like pp said admit to your own mistakes, let them know we all make mistakes but it's how we learn from them that counts.

There will always be things teens like to keep to themselves and don't need a friend but a mom.
For me ny biggest thing was not being shocked or overreacting as it sends them back into their shell. Same when telling you stories about their friends you might find yourself judging and they sense that immediately. Be aware of these little things helps but don't think you're a bad mum if she goes through a stage of keeping things to herself. It's all part of growing independence

Great point about friends, I think this is something my parents were guilty of. I remember my mum telling me about her friends DD who had unprotected sex with someone she had just met and understandably was very worried and upset about it, she confided in her mum who took her to be checked out. My mum made comments of how stupid she was, unaware I had done something similar but had taken myself to be checked. Maybe it was just a build up of these kind of comments which I will be very aware of when speaking to my kids. So thank you for mentioning that.
Of course like a PP has said it's about getting the balance right of not being a friend but a parent.

I have a 12yr old DD and feel the same. Going to try and be as honest and open as possible nothing to be discussed behind closed doors. Example being periods were never mentioned in my house growing up but with us it's an everyday conversation. Think the 80s when I grew up was just much more closed lips you didn't talk through stuff you just got on with it.

Mine always talked to me about these things and everything. It was a foundation I built from the time they were born. Validating their feelings, providing them with options and support, never reacting badly to any disclosures, just practically. (Basically, the opposite of my parents who I could never tell anything to). It worked and they will still talk to me about anything as adults, if they need to.

I recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour.

This 100%. If I told / tell my mum I'm worried about something she tells me not to be stupid, my worries are never big enough for her to consider them valid. If I'm upset 'there's no point crying, it's not going to change anything'. And I don't think she's ever apologised to me for anything bigger than eg bumping into me.
Don't be like that. (She then gets mortally offended when she finds out I haven't told her about something that's going on in my life )

You sound like a wonderful mum 🩷

I have all boys, they come to me with everything, they're all adults/older teens now. I've always told them they can tell me anything (honestly some things I know really are tmi), and that lying to me is far worse than anything they can tell me (a problem we can deal with, lying isn't accepted).

I agree with all of the above. I also tell mine they can and will make mistakes and we will help them. Had a incident with one of them getting stoned and had a whitey they phoned us and we sorted them out. They begged us not to tell the other kids parents as they would kill them.

Some of it is also down to the child, I have four, two tell me lots two don't!

As has been touched on I think how you talk about other people and issues is really important; if you’re judgemental or overly critical about mistakes others have made or choices they’ve made then your children figure out they can’t talk to you about those things. I think DD sometimes has talked about things with her friends to see how I react.We also as a family talk about a wide variety of issues that are out there in the world