DD5 struggling with perseverance and perfectionism?

[Dramallama3]

DD5 (almost 6) is a kind and energetic little girl, but we keep running into one particular issue. She is stuck at school because she avoids any task that is even slightly challenging like the plague. She hates it when she cannot do something immediately. Puzzles she was able to do at 3 cause tantrums and meltdowns now cause she has to actually pause and look for a piece. If you try to explain something to her, and she doesn't get it immediately, her frustration levels are out control.

Yesterday she wanted to sing me a song she learned at school. She started but then forgot the second line. She became absolutely hysterical - I thought she had bitten her tongue because it was so extreme and so out of nowhere. But no, she was wailing because she could not remember the whole song. It took a long time to calm her down.

She's thrown in the towel at her swimming lessons too (after 3 lessons). She keeps saying she will be able to swim when she is older. I keep telling her that she will also need to practice if she starts when she is older, but she seems unconvinced. Of course we can wait, but there are kids in her class as young as 3; we already delayed and it is not like she isn't developmentally ready to learn.

Is this familiar to anyone? Does anyone have tips how to respond? It's been getting worse and worse over the past year, and I'm at my wit's end.

We had the same with my boy at this age. We spoke to the school and teacher noticed he'd stopped starting activities altogether for fear he'd make a mistake or wouldn't complete it. At home he'd screw up or scribble over his work at the slightest (not even noticeable) mistakes. His teachers helped him somehow, I can't say exactly how but they encouraged mistakes and encouraged him to write quickly, that completing an activity was important. I kind of went about pointing out mistakes grown ups make in pointing out typos or in speech but that it doesn't matter. I showed him a video by the Winnie the witch artist who explains that he turns his mistakes into spiders etc. He's still conscientious and earnest but it was a phase that perhaps lasted about 6 months and the school played a part in helping him overcome this. Worth speaking to them as if they can look out for the non-starting behaviour and provide some guidance to her it might double down on the message that it's ok to make mistakes etc.

Can you try playing games where the point is to get something wrong. So ask each other a question and you are meant to say the wrong answer. Draw a picture but put the wrong number of legs or eyes on purpose etc. Just to get her used to being ‘wrong’. Make a big deal of how imperfection is funny/cool/interesting etc

do activities where its all about participation or confidence building, like geocaching, pony riding

She actually loves playing games like that and will constantly answer questions wrong deliberately, even in class. I don't think it's helping; it's just an easy way out for her. She would rather be funny than try and be wrong.

She is also not a conscientious child. She still does scribble drawings most of the time (and is really proud of them) and doesn't colour within the lines (but doesn't seem to care). I am not sure if perfectionism is the right word, to be honest. I mean, I think in the end it is related to perfectionism and fear of failure, but it is really well hidden. On the surface, she appears messy, chaotic, and loud, full of unearned confidence.

Argh it's such a hard age...I'm sure every kid has a sensitive spot, sounds like she is looking for a sense of control. You could try taking a break from swimming lessons and just take her casually for a while. Then revisit it in a years time? I did this with my son too mainly because he didn't listen to the teacher and went rogue splashing about under water etc and I felt like it was a waste of money! Now he is 7 in lessons with with 4 and 5 year olds but he's confident, still splashes about but is catching up quickly. I would play along with the humour, take breaks, introduce, gently reintroduce later etc. Sounds like she wants to achieve and run before she can walk but also wants to avoid the difficult feelings. If it's affecting school work definitely speak to the teacher as they can help build her confidence, and offer ways to help her regulate the emotions when the thing ultimately happens that triggers the tantrum. She might also be trying hard at school to be good etc and then comes home and releases the pent up frustrations built up over the day.

That's bravado, bless her!

One of mine went through this for a while and came out the other side 100% fine -he is genuinely confident &/or honest with himself now if something is hard. He's more likely to persevere and less likely to think of not doing something as a bad reflection of himself - which takes the pressure off. Sounds like she internalises any error as a global reflection of her, as a failure. Poor little thing!

I think maybe being diagnosed as ND is what made the difference for my boy. He'd been struggling in ways we didn't understand and when he was diagnosed he stopped labelling himself as stupid (each error had been 'confirmation' in his mind that he was stupid) and that got completely turned around when he understood more that he was just different. Might not be a ND in your DD's case but worth considering!