Finding being a mum to my 8yo son hard

[ThisWiseLemonUser]

Hey!

So my son's 8 and he's a great boy, does fantastic in school his extracurricular activities and has loads of great friends, but me and him just don't seem to see eye to eye.

He knows how to push my button and I seem to be pushing his too, which I don't really want to be.

When at home he just wants to play PS5.. I've suggested some series we could watch together but it's always a no.. go out and play football, no.. the list is endless.

He doesn't keep his room tidy, find it so difficult to get him to brush his teeth. Doesn't take responsibility for anything ie I asked you to o bring your plate down and you've not, his reply well it's not my fault I didn't hear you (he did)... This is his reply to mostly everything.. it's not my fault it's yours..

All of this behavior just really gets to me and I've no patience for it.
He said he likes my husband better cause he doesn't shout.. but the thing is he's at work before they're awake and home anytime between 630/8pm.. so he doesn't have to deal with any of the attitude.

Do I just leave him to it and stop getting in my high horse? Is this normal behavior for an 8 yo boy to be lazy, play fifa all day and not like his mum lol

I just hate leaving the house every single day with some form of argument 😫

You are not establishing boundaries and consequences for his behaviour. He's doing whatever he wants and learning not to respect you. Have you considered a parenting course?

Erm no, he’s 8 and you’re the parent!

Establish boundaries - chores to earn gaming time. Doesn’t do he chores? No gaming! It doesn’t have to be a battle, set your rules and stick to them.

The first answer nails it.

Tell him no FIFA until his room is sorted. Hide his controller until he tidies his room.

Why are there plates in his room ? No food in his room is a rule for most 8 year olds.

We have been through this and it changes for a week then back to normal.

And we have other children who all like different things, so after school snacks in their rooms so they can all chill out and do what they like and not be forced to sit in the living room fighting over what to watch etc

It's finding the balance of letting him be a kid but also not taking the piss.

He works hard in school and is out at clubs 5 days a week, so does need down time as well.

If I left my 8 and 10-year-old to their own devices, they would sit on their Xbox 24 hours a day and never come out of their room. You need to put more boundaries in place OP. In my house no Xbox until dinner is finished, homework is done, rooms are tidy and their washing has been put away. Depending also whatever else needs doing as well. They also have a time limit of an evening (slightly longer on a weekend if again everything is done that I've asked) If they don't listen, there's no games at all.

Well yes it's normal 8 year old behaviour to push boundaries, but you don't allow it- you're the parent.

He comes down without his dirty plate = he goes back up to get it then or no more PS today

He gets a set amount of time on his devices per day and then he has to do something else

Snack takes 5 to 10 minutes to eat at the table and then they can do what they like. Set a time limits on screens, for us that is a set time as well.

I think expecting them to be tidy and maintain good hygiene is optimistic, but when I say "go brush your teeth" or "make your bed" then it has to be done without dicking around. Most children want to play on screens too much but as a parent you limit it. They don't like that but too bad.

I think in a way your expectations are high but your confidence that you are the one in charge is too low - nobody should be in doubt that you are in charge.

He's 8 and behaving like a teenager... you need boundaries and fast.

My 8 year old isn't allowed to eat upstairs. He has a limit on screens and if he takes the biscuit he looses it.

I wouldn't leave him to it. Mine would be a nightmare if I did that. No food upstairs. Eat at tge table then tidy away then chill out in their rooms. Tick chart- brush teeth, wash, naje bef, tidy room/ whatever. THEN gets some screen time after school.

Don't get me wrong, it is VERY wearing. But you have to keep at it.

I don't quite get it. You are saying your son has activities 5 days a week. Yet your original post says all he wants to do is play video games. Agree with others in relation to bounderies and consequencies and choosing your battles wisely. Strongly disagree with you shouting at him. Simply because it won't work when he is a teenager. I have 2 sons, both teenages, the second one is far more rebellious compared to the firstborn. I am not exactly a pushover either. Yet we try to negotiate and agree on a compromise whenever possible. You need to work on a respectful relationship and decent standards now, certainly before he turns 12. If you like (and have time for) reading, there are many parenting books on offer.

Xbox is week end and holidays only for ds 10...

Ok, so maybe I've not fully explained the circumstances.

He is at school, at my parents where he plays with a boy next door till 5 when I pick him up.

On a Wednesday & Thursday he plays football, a Friday he swims a Saturday he has goalie coaching and a Sunday he plays a football match.

When we are in the house all he wants to do is play fifa.

It sounds a little bit like everyone gets home, grabs food and goes off to do what they want? How old are the other children?

A snack at the table after you’re home takes 5 minutes. Then they do their homework/chores etc and once done they can have their free time. Do you all eat dinner together or is that what they’re eating in their rooms?

Sounds like a typical boy. Or at least my two, even though they are teenagers now. My mum used to shout at me and I hated it. I understand now she was simply overworked. However when I got to teenager years I started to give as good as I got. It wasn't very nice for anyone. My poor mum. I am trying to be different with my children. They have a small weekly allowance which gets docked if they don't keep their rooms tidy or "forget" to do simple chores. I try to be reasonable in my requests. For example one child hates the dishes, the other hates taking the dog out. So I take this on board. The last time I shouted at either of them was March 2023. Disagreements are common. Every time there is a massive disagreement I try to work out my contribution to the confrontation. Asking one of them to do something when I am already under stress is a recipe for disaster in my experience. It is hard work, trying to keep 4 different personalities happy under one roof (including my husband).

No, it's a snack in their room. I still need to make dinner when I get home.

Thank you so much for the most helpful reply and not telling me to get parenting help.

I hate shouting as well.i hate how the kids feel and how I feel after to too.. how do you control this?

Ive wrote out a sort of schedule for the week and I've just went over it with the kids... Each has one one one time with me, time to chil on their own and my 8yo is having a couple of night where we will sit while the others are sleeping and watch something.

I've explained I dont like how things are and that I don't want it to continue. I've given them a task each that has do be done and they seem happy... For now.

It's very difficult working full time, keeping the house and running them around for all their clubs but I want to be better.

Let's see how it goes

Ahh ok, well then I’d probably continue letting them have the snack and a bit of time to decompress, then dinner together and homework/chores before free time.

It feels relentless OP, I get it, but far easier to try and turn things around now than when he’s a teenager!

Hi there I appreciate it's hard. I am a practicing Buddhist, I chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo twice daily for at least 5 minutes to keep myself in harmony with the Universe. As I chant I try to reflect on the situation and my contribution to anything that creates conflict. I try to prioritise good relationship with my children over their academic and other achievements. They seem to be going ok. They only ever had 2 activities each. I couldn't manage anymore. Good luck with setting up a schedule and sticking to it. I am sure you are great mum. Working full time, keeping the house and looking after the children is incredibly hard.

Further to the earlier message... my children are occasionally rude to me, like all children. When it happens I point it out to them "You can't talk like this to you mum". I repeat if necessary. As teenagers they do sometimes try to raise their voice. In this case I say very firmly "You may not shout at mum" (even if they are not really shouting). I do try to keep it as civil as I can. I do remember shouting matches with my mum, it wasn't very nice for either of us

A snack and drink at the table ends the plate in his room issue and prevents it becoming an issue with the others later. Watching their brother behave like this will increase the chance that they copy.

If “no FIFA until your room is sorted” works for a week then why does it stop working? If it’s because you are tired and cba to enforce the rules then that’s something for you to work on.

Can your parents give the kids a snack while they are looking after the kids ?

This.. between 6 and 12/13 were the golden years, then a bit of sass came