Feeling very scared

[Missboo1]

Hi all
I am so frightened. I have two children but during birth with my second I had some heart problems which was a huge scare and I ended up in ITU. I did recover but was told that it could happen again although the consultant didnt say I couldn't have a third baby just that there would need to be consideration of the risk. Over the past year I'd come to a decision that my family was complete after some broodiness that passed (youngest is 3) but have unexpectedly fallen pregnant due to a contraception failure.
My husband wants to continue the pregnancy but I am so scared.
I don't want to continue this pregnancy and feel like I have come to this decision. I don't want to take a risk with my health and face leaving my two children if something goes wrong again. I'm overweight, I'm unfit and I am older now.
My husband isn't supportive of me terminating but arguably it's not him that has to deal with this.
I know it's possible I may regret either decision I make but I feel like a ticking time bomb.
Has anyone experienced this before? Has anyone regretted a termination?
There were lots of other reasons I didn't want a third but I think my health anxiety is hugely skewing my viewpoint

Hi OP, so sorry for the difficult situation. You’re absolutely right, this is your body & your health, also you are thinking (very wisely imo) of your two dc who need you.
It may help to book in with a professional to talk through your options & to provide emotional support. Also seek medical advice re: the health condition.
All the best, whatever you decide.

Hi @Missboo1 how are you doing?

i really feel for you @Missboo1 , I completely agree with @magicscares .
Could you perhaps arrange an appointment with a professional to discuss everything with your partner present. Have you communicated all of your feelings and concerns to your partner ? Your perspective is imo very thought out, you are thinking of your health and your children

Thank you for your responses.
I have been able to contact my cardiologist and have a scan booked but won't be able to have a review until the end of next month.
I've been very anxious - not sleeping, not eating. I haven't been able to face booking in with the midwives I only contacted the GP to facilitate a cardiology review.
My husband is keen to have the consult and then make a decision. I'm a bit worried that he will bully/wear me down into going ahead with the pregnancy. This has been difficult to me to deal when objectively it is me that has to deal with the possibility of heart failure not him.
Psychologically I think I would really struggle and my mental health would be severely impacted.
There were also many many other reasons why I didn't want a third- my husband has never been hands on or helpful and I largely take care of my children on my own.
Going to three would mean I am stretched thin and I am sad to think I would go from being happy to just coping/surviving. My husbands life wouldn't change
Quite possibly the worst situation I have ever been in.

Don’t risk leaving your other children motherless because of pressure from your husband. That’s what it will come down to in the end, isn’t it? My DH has his faults but there’s no way he’d want me to risk my health in this situation. Good luck.

You need professional help here. Family planning clinics usually have a counsellor and plenty of experience in this area.

Equally concerning is that your husband thinks having another baby is great as long as it doesn't affect him! Have you pointed out that apart from your heart condition you're worried about the practical aspects of being a married single mother? Does he promise to do more and then fail to follow through? If you can't have a reasonable conversation with him about these sorts of things then you have far bigger problems in your relationship than an unplanned, high risk pregnancy. Frankly, he sounds like a dick.

As you said you are overweight and unfit, those are adding to any risk factor associated with your heart, so getting healthy, from today, as much as you can, is surely the priority. That is one factor in your control.

When you have the scan the cardiologist can of course give you a better picture, but you wouldn't know more until then, so it might make you feel more in control - in the meantime - to change things yourself healthwise.

It’s your body and your priority has to be the two children who are already here and depend on you. It’s frankly heartbreaking that your husband is putting this pressure on you. And he doesn’t even help! Your duty is to your two existing children. It’s a horrible position to be in but I don’t think you can go ahead with the pregnancy under the circumstances.

Sorry, difficult situation. Think you should talk to your GP and see if they have any other medical advice (or can connect you with the Dr that spoke about it before) on the heart issue that could help you decide.

Thank you for your responses - I have got appointments for scans and meeting with a cardiologist.
He has agreed if there is a serious risk to my life we will terminate.
I am trying to process this - my condition might not become apparent until close to birth or my heart may not fail until after birth which is frightening.
Mostly feel angry at myself that I was foolish enough to let it happen.
I feel very alone as I can't talk to anyone about this in IRL. Angry as well as I was a wonderful mum to two, I will be barely adequate to three and there is a huge age gap so my next 10 years of my older children's lives I will miss as I cart round a younger sibling.
My husband has promised everything will change- like a kid with a new pet, but I know it will be left over to me to do the drudgery and his life will go on as normal.
Dark moments have led me to wish I could live with terminating without his consent or that I will miscarriage I feel that scared and overwhelmed.

And that's before I even contemplate how I will manage if I am sick. A risky third section after the age of 35 with heart problems in the mix means I am obsessively researching and becoming more frightened. I am going to speak to my GP about anti anxiety medications just to get me through.
No hope of being able to bond with this child - I already view them as ruining my life and that is very difficult

Op, you clearly do not want this pregnancy to progress.

Why not make an appt with bpas now. There may be a week or two's wait so getting an appt now will save time later. You can always cancel it if you change your mind.

You must put your health first, no matter what your DH says. You do not need his consent.

You need hard facts about the heart stuff.

If you don't want a third child, you don't. I couldn't respect a husband who tried to push you into it. Or one who left all the parenting to you, to be honest.

I'd book a termination for you and vasectomy for him. You're not wrong to not want to risk your life for a child you don't want with a man who's barely any help. Would he risk his own life, in your shoes?

Your body, your choice.
You don't need his permission or approval. What kind of arsehole wants you to risk your life?

Book the termination. Your existing kids need you. I'd be booking a chat with a solicitor, as well.

Early termination looks very much like a miscarriage in my limited knowledge. I don't think you need to tell him the truth. Personally I wouldn't risk leaving my two children without a mother. Also, is there a risk that you can land in between land - you survive but end up severely disabled? Are you sure you husband will be happy to be your carer?

I’ve had two terminations - both due to failed contraceptions. I regret neither as I made decisions that were correct for me, my body and my health at the time. Please don’t be bullied into continuing with the pregnancy if you don’t want to.

You don't need his permission or his support to have a termination OP. You don't have to see a cardiologist or wait to make a decision on the pregnancy. If you know and understand that the risk will likely come at the end of your pregnancy, during or after the birth, and you don't want this baby anyway, please do what you feel is right for YOU and the DC you already have. This is NOT your DH's choice and I'm concerned that he is bullying you into even contemplating continuing with a pregnancy that you do not want, never wanted and which could lead to very serious health consequences or even death for you. Those are not the actions of a loving, concerned partner, they're the actions of a bully and someone who doesn't love you or care about your life. Please don't be coerced into leaving it too late for a termination, if that is what you know you want

You can terminate for any reason you like OP. It doesn't matter if there is no risk to your health at all. It's still your choice. Please don't let your husband bully you.

OP you’ve already answered your own question in your responses, you KNOW what to do, you know this pregnancy is too great of a risk to you and your existing children. It would be a different story if you actually wanted a third child, that would add some complexity to the situation, but you don’t, you have two happy healthy children who you are a fab mum to, your partner should be supporting you 100% and first and foremost YOUR health and life must come first ! Do what you need to do for you and your kids, do not let your husband guilt you into going through with a potentially extremely dangerous pregnancy, not to mention the damage it could do to your mental health, look out for you !

You also need to consider if your heart condition worsens during the pregnancy and doctors need to deliver your baby prematurity by Caesarean. I work as midwife in a large referral centre, it does happen sometimes. Sometimes doctors need to deliver a baby at 28 weeks to alleviate pregnancy pressure on the woman's body/start treatment.

It's a pity you told him about the pregnancy. You certainly don't need his, or anyone's permission to have a termination. Your husband sounds absolutely vile. I would go and get a termination without any further agonising and then get a divorce.

Please don't go through with this, for your mental and physical health. I honestly can't believe your husband would risk this for the mother of his children - he should be fully supportive and encouraging you to improve your health. Very best of luck to you.

Hi all, I had a counselling appointment with BPAS which was very good. I have decided to proceed with termination but don't know how to tell my husband, or if I should tell him at all. It will be self preservation if I don't as I don't truly know his reaction but he will disagree. I just don't want to go through with it.
Feeling very alone and like a terrible person as I'm not sure I can live with the secret but feel I need to do this for myself so I can be here for my children. Still hoping for a miscarriage

You're not a terrible person, you're a very brave person making good decisions. Maybe you can plan to keep it to yourself for a while and see how it goes. You don't need to feel bad for not telling him because he should be supporting you, not pressuring you. Well done. ❤️💪🏼

You’re neither alone nor a terrible person. You’re doing what’s right for you, your health, and the children you already have ❤️