Struggling PP lone parent

[Cindy97]

I posted a few weeks ago about my SO leaving me whilst I was 8 months pregnant, well DD arrived 37+1 and we're 9 days into her being here now.
A bit of backstory, my waters were PPROM for 13 days before they called me in for induction, they said limited chance of DD requiring lung assistance so didn't give me steroid injections, said she'd be okay. Induction was backlogged so I eventually went into labour naturally, very quickly and DD shot out, possibly unable to empty her lungs of fluid adequately? Not sure, the DRs complicate things and my head is in the clouds.
DD couldn't maintain oxygen levels or temp, taken to the NICU 1 hour after birth, I'm a mess at this point, cannulas and tubes everywhere on DD, feeling so alone, guilty and helpless. Struggling PP, not knowing if she'd be okay.
DD then discharged, Midwife visited next day and said her breathing was recessive, admitted back to NICU for collapsed lung and infection.
We got home 3 days ago, DD seems okay but I'm on edge, don't want to sleep, can't remember the last time I ate,
My family are around and a big help, but I don't like relying on everyone and I'm repeatedly told "you have to get used to it at some point", struggling with knowing her dad is tucked up in bed somewhere at 3am whilst I'm settling our daughter, he still denies paternity and his mum is going to order a DNA test, she's on my side and has seen DD but the whole of that family are against me and DD, thinks his decision to be an absent father should be respected etc.
Mental I'm drained, crying all the time that I'm not good enough, wondering why I'm left alone to look after this darling little girl who has done no wrong. Am I enough for her? Why does he get to live life as usual, not having the worry of her in NICU, sobbing his heart out?
All bills are past due, declined maternity grant because I haven't received a UC payment yet. I'm brassic.
I'm trying my best to breastfeed but I'm out everyday just trying to get outside, it feels less lonely out there and I'm distracted. I can't pump 2 hourly out the house, it ends up being once a day and I feel guilty that I'm not doing all I can for my daughter.
My skin doesnt feel real from the weight I've lost, my self care in the form of eating and drinking has taken a fall, I have a few biscuits a days to make sure I don't faint.
I'm a shell, DD doesn't sleep at night, I'm exhausted. I catch myself dozing with her in my arms on the sofa because she wont be put down, and then i feel like a failure becsause what sort of mum can't even stay awake to keep her child safe?
These are definitely the newborn trenches.
I'm not sure what I'm asking.
Does it ever get better? Has anyone been in the same boat? I've looked for local support groups for single parents but there's nothing around. I've applied for counselling and hoping to hear tomorrow.

First of all, sending you the biggest hugs. The initial newborn stage can be hell without the added medical stress and recent separation.

Take the help!!! Whenever I feel guilty for accepting help I remember that its important for my LO to form bonds with other people. You don't win prizes for being a martyr.

Fed is best. If breastfeeding is challenging there is no harm in formula feeding. The lack of regular meals for you will definitely make breastfeeding harder.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this stress when your baby has just been born 💐 I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through but hope I can help in some way.

I also find it extremely difficult to ask for help/relying on others so I completely understand, but gently OP, if you are falling asleep with your baby on the sofa (think we have all nearly done that at some point, it does not make you a failure!) then for her safety it is very important that you do accept this help. I found that I didn’t like people coming to help by holding my newborn, I would have rather they helped in other ways as I really felt the need to be close to her. If this is a reason you are finding it hard, then ask family to help with things like the washing/your meals etc so that you can be with your baby and concentrate on breastfeeding, if that is what you want to continue to do. There is also absolutely no shame in combi feeding or moving to formula if the added stress of breastfeeding is getting too much.

Have you looked into co sleeping? Have a look at safe sleep on the lullaby trust if you have not already. Co sleeping safely with my baby girl has been my saviour, and I didn’t think it was something that I would do. If she won’t be put down (totally normal newborn behaviour) then this could help you.

Could you speak to your health visiting team to ask them what services/support may be available to you? Or presumably you’re still under the midwives at this point and they may be able to help you.

I wouldn’t be engaging with your ex’s family at the moment if they are against you, this is just going to cause you more stress at a time when you really don’t need that.

Sending lots of hugs, really hope things improve for you 💐