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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you feel that your relatives help you out enough with your dc,s

18 replies

stinkfly · 21/04/2008 10:35

Hi
Just interested to know how others feel about this.
There has been many occasions where I have felt my family could have helped me out but they have not offered.

I realise we shoudln't have children and expect relatives to take care of them, but what is the harm really on the odd occasion.

I only have the one ds so I wouldn,t be expecting my family to take on a family load.

Some occasions I can think of for myself where I feel help could of been offered have been when I have been on nightshifts and my ds has not been at school.
Despite my sister living next door and knowing I have just come off a nightshift she has not offered to take my ds off my hands for a few hours.
Another occasion has been when myself and my dh wanted to go out for a meal my ds was having a awful tantrum about not wanting to go.
My sister overheard next door and phoned up to see what was going on.
I explained the situation to her but she never offered to take him off my hands.
Just wondering if any of you have felt a bit narked at times about this sort of thing.
I must stress I rarely do ask for help.

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WigWamBam · 21/04/2008 10:41

Sometimes if you need help, you have to ask. They may fear that they will be interfering if they phone up to ask about tantrums, they may feel that as you haven't asked them for help, everything's OK.

It's no good feeling narked that they won't help if you haven't asked them for help. If you ask and they refuse then there might be cause for complaint - but they are not mind readers.

Original poster

stinkfly · 21/04/2008 10:43

WigWamBam
You could be right.
I feel as though I am in a viscious circle as I always think if they don,t offer then they don,t really want to do it.
I would hate to put people on the spot if they don,t really want to do something.

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Original poster

stinkfly · 21/04/2008 10:47

I did ask my sister a number of weeks ago if she would have my ds while me and my dh went to the theatre.
However I staight away felt uncomfortable about it, as it was like, well how long for, when will you be back, you won,t be too late will you.
It was said to me in such a negative way.

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Nemoandthefishes · 21/04/2008 10:48

I have 3 young dc and dont get much family support at all. It is only recently pil will take ds[4] out for a couple of hours and that is about 5 times a year if I am lucky and they live 5mins away.

Twiglett · 21/04/2008 10:50

you have no right to your relatives helping you out with your children. They are your children

You could ask them to help rather than huffing around the subject, but if they agree treat them as you would treat any friend who has done you a huge favour and buy them chocs / flowers / wine or whatever

Tommy · 21/04/2008 10:50

I agree - you have to ask sometimes. It's difficult to do but maybe they think you don't need any help?

boobiestoosaggy · 21/04/2008 13:01

my family are also crap when it comes to help and support
no offrs to take kids off me even when i was suicidal
on the few occasions i have asked ive been turned down so given up asking . am so jealous when other kids get taken places with their grandparents and my kids dont its not a nice feeling

OrmIrian · 21/04/2008 13:04

My parents. Yes.
My MIL. No. But she doesn't drive so hasn't got the mobility that my parents have. However, regardless of that she gives the distinct impression that her grandmothering days are over - her other grandchildren are much older.

shoshe · 21/04/2008 13:11

Why Oh why do people seem to think that relatives should help you with your children.

They are your children you had them.

And before you say anything, I am a Grandmother who does look after her grandaughter alot.

I also have looked after my neices and nephew.

I do it because I want to, not because they expect me to.

Ok Rant over.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2008 13:15

they do as much as they can.

we chose to move farther away because it was cheaper.

besides, my SIL is a lone parent who works full time and she needs help the most.

you could ask, though, shoshe, that if people think their relatives should help with teh kids, then is it fair for elderly parents to think their kids should help with their care?

juuule · 21/04/2008 13:22

That isn't a true comparison, Expat. Surely it would be more of a case of children helping their elderly parents as a return for them investing time and energy into bringing those children up. Grandparents have no obligation to also bring up to a greater or lesser degree the children of their children. They've already put the time in bringing up their own. I would think that dependant on their own experiences of bringing up their own children combined with their personalities they will be more or less willing to take on responsibility for their chidren's children.

AbbeyA · 21/04/2008 13:27

They probably don't want to be accused of interfering! There is thread after thread on here of people who don't want the grandparents to have the DCs overnight or even for the day and they certainly don't want them doing anything in their house.I also agree with sholshe, when and if I have grandchildren, I would like to look after them but I don't want it taken for granted, it will be because I want to, not because it is expected.

shoshe · 21/04/2008 13:29

my parents gave me a great childhood, thousands of miles away from family, doing everything on their own, we had a very very idyllic childhood, which I never realised was so good till I got to be a adult and realised just how bad others were.

So now i have no qualms about doing things formy father is now not capable of doing for himself,

He did his bit with us, it is our time to do for him.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2008 13:30

'Surely it would be more of a case of children helping their elderly parents as a return for them investing time and energy into bringing those children up.'

They didn't ask to be born, juule, so why should they be expected to take care of elderly parents? It's not an exchange contract you enter into when you have kids. The parents chose to have them. And if they saw it as a sacrifice of their time and energy to bring them up, they shouldn't have bothered having kids.

Parents are already looking after their kids..

So why look after their parents when they get like kids, too.

GrrrlInterrupted · 21/04/2008 13:35

i don't expect anyone to take over looking after my kids- if anything, i've had problems with PIL trying to take them every weekend overnight, and huge issues with how they take care of them. As a result, i won't allow them to take care of either of them now, so i have no family to help- my parents are too far away to babysit, my siblings are all younger than me and at home.

But i have 2 friends who would try to babysit if i asked.

You sound more annoyed at yourself for not being confident enough to ask people OP, rather than annoyed with your family.

francagoestohollywood · 21/04/2008 13:43

Yes, they do, they are superb.

juuule · 21/04/2008 13:47

I didn't say it was a contract. It was you that implied there was some sort of agreement in that if you were to look after your parents, they should do their bit with looking after your children. Or at least that's how I read it.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2008 13:48

Well, that's how you read it then, juule.

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