Overbearing 8 year old daughter

[Rosie1990]

My daughter (8) is so overbearing, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her.
I want to start by saying she’s a lovely girl in so many ways, she’s funny, affectionate, a good big sister on the whole but she talks pretty much non stop and seems to need constant attention and it drives me mad!

I give her lots of attention both 1:1 and with her little sister playing games, doing crafts etc but she thrives on constant attention and to constantly be doing something. I can spend hours giving her 1:1 attention then as soon as I try to walk away she asks if we can do x,y,z.

I’ll say that I need some downtime now but she cannot respect that boundary. I may get a few mins but then she’s back again talking to me and asking to do things. If I say again that I’m tired or want a moment to myself and we’ll do it later she often goes off and purposefully upsets her sister to get my attention.

At meal times she dominates the conversation and talks over us. I say “I’m talking to Daddy at the moment and you can talk to me after” but she just bounces around like she’ll explode and as soon as you draw breath she buts in.

She also just does not listen to me and I have to tell her to do something like brush teeth over and over again.

I’m exhausted by it and understand it’s probably her personality and don’t want to drown that out completely but I cannot be her source of entertainment all day.

just to add she’s not like this at school ,
listens well, not overbearing, no back chat to teachers so we’re not thinking she’s neurodiverse

Dgs can be a bit like this with dd. If she needs some quiet she sets a timer on Alexa and tells dgs he needs to not touch her or talk to her until the alarm goes off as she needs five minutes peace. Only five minutes but it works for dgs as he generally finds something to do in those five minutes. If he did touch her or talk to her she restarts the clock. If your dd upset the other dd in that time then there would have to be a consequence and the clock would restart once you had comforted your other dd.

Thank you for this. I’m terrible at thinking of a consequence for when she upsets/hurts her sister as I’m not up for cancelling her sporting activities that she loves as I think being active is important. We’ve tried sending to room but she won’t go and screams and screams and it’s horrible. We do keep going with it until eventually she goes but it’s such a long and upsetting process that I now try to avoid that too! Goodness I sound weak there…

No matter how much I try to set boundaries with the attention seeking it’s relentless. Her sister is happy to play with me for a bit then for me to go and she’s in her own imaginary world playing happily. Older one then joins in but it becomes a much, louder, messier and chaotic game - she’s just very lively!

I can't help but I can express some solidarity! And the sending to the room thing - exactly the same here. It then feeds into giving them attention so feels counter productive. It's like no amount of attention is ever enough. Nothing can ever be done without arguement. It's like I'm offering a suggestion not an instruction. Screams like a banshee and shoves me around. When I remove her off me screams that I'm grabbing her and hurting her. I'm exhausted. So no tips but sympathy!

Thank you and sorry to hear you get them same. She’s just kicked off at little sis and thrown a plastic toy in her face. She’s supposed to go to a friends house soon but I’ll be cancelling. I’ve never done that before as a consequence mainly because there wasn’t one to cancel. She’s in her room - I’m about to go up but her dad’s talking to her at the moment. I’m at a loss with her in some aspects especially when she hurts her little sister.

@Rosie1990 tbh the only consequence of her upsetting your other dd would need to be you focussing your attention on the upset child and pointedly ignoring the one who upset her. Then once your other child is calm you restart the clock so all that has been achieved by the behaviour is her extending the time without your attention.

I wouldn't rule out ND just because she's good at school. Children, but especially girls are good at masking at school, but run out of the energy/ability once they get home

id start by getting that looked into.

Not sure what you have tried already. Can you

• Use a timer and say I am having my cup of tea now, I will be available to you again when it goes off.
• Remind her that you know her next step might be to go and upset her sister, so she had better not or there will be consequences.
• Set dinner rules as you sit down to eat, so she knows you expect that everyone will have a chance to talk.

If she isn't understanding boundaries, maybe that's because she hasn't managed to learn them yet and needs more help.